S is for Self-Care
Back in September, my BIL took Ted and me down to Paso Robles to do some wine tasting. On our way down, sitting in the back seat, I listened to an episode of the Ezra Klein podcast with author and psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin. Ezra was out on book leave at the time, so the host was Tressie McMillan Cottom, and they were discussing Lakshmin’s new book, Real Self-Care.
Lakshmin says that the externalization of self-care and the wellness industry haven’t done anything to actually reduce stress in our lives, and that what is needed is real internal work, as well as societal change. She argues that there is nothing wrong with bullet journals, scented candles, or trying to fit more yoga into your life, but there are more substantial ways to care for yourself. She also argues that inequality in our society often makes it much more difficult for those on the lower economic rungs to be able to practice self-care.
You can’t meditate your way out of a 40-hour work week with no childcare. Faux self-care keep us looking outward—comparing ourselves with others or striving for a certain type of perfection. Worse, it exonerates an oppressive social system that has betrayed women and minorities.
Real self-care, in contrast, is an internal, self-reflective process that involves making difficult decisions in line with our values, and when we practice it, we shift our relationships, our workplaces, and even our broken systems.
Pooja Lakshmin
External self-care can be useful tools. Taking time for a bath or a walk in the woods, taking a yoga class, things like that. But they are generally short-term fixes, rather than a principal of how you live your life. I found it interesting that the real WORK of self-care is often difficult and stressful, though it leads to better outcomes in the long run. So we have hedonistic well-being. I’ve had a long, difficult week, I’m going to have some wine and watch TV. Is there anything wrong with that? No, not at all. Do it. But it’s not the work that she’s talking about, the work that goes into improving your life. That is eudaemonic well-being, which is a life built on meaning and purpose, which can be really hard for a myriad of reasons. Family obligations, societal expectations, financial constraints, etc.
According to Lakshmin, the internal work of Real Self-Care has four components:
- Setting Boundaries
- Practicing Self-Compassion
- Aligning your Values
- Exercising Power
Setting Boundaries Setting boundaries can be really hard sometimes. Sometimes it is not even possible. But when something is asked of us, in work, in family, in our community, we have three options. We can say Yes, we can say No, or we can Negotiate. Lakshmin tells of how when she first graduated from medical school, her mentor told her never to answer her phone. She should listen to the voicemail that was left for her, and give herself the time to decide how she wanted to answer the question at hand. That pause was a boundary for her, and helped her to not feel so overwhelmed. Sometimes we cannot say No. Sometimes we cannot even negotiate. We might lose our job or our relationship or whatever. The work, then, is recognizing that that is the situation you are in right now, and trying to work towards being able to say No if you want to in the future. Maybe your job right now means you have to work evenings and weekends. What can you do so that isn’t the case next week, or next month, or next year? Even if you can’t be at No next year, can you be closer to No?
Practicing Self-Compassion – Lakshmin described Self-Compassion pretty simply. Look at how hard you are on yourself. Would you talk to a friend this way? To your child or spouse? Someone you love? So often we get over burdened by our tasks, especially if we are in a care giving time of life (caring for small children or elderly adults), and we are hyper-critical of ourselves if we can’t get everything done, and everything done perfectly, and everyone is happy with the decisions that we made or our opinions on a matter. We have to practice letting that go, and giving ourselves the compassion that we give to others.
Aligning Your Values – This is the process of looking at your values and your behavior and trying to get them in alignment. In order to do this, you have to first give thought to what your values are, what is important to you right now, and understand that these values will shift throughout your life as circumstances shift. Your desire to have a home of your own, to have kids, to have a job that allows these things. To be partnered or not. To be involved in your extended family or not. To take vacations and see the world. To help others. Everyone’s values are different, and taking a look at what yours are right now, and seeing what you can do to align your behavior with these values, this is the work she’s talking about.
Exercising Power – Lakshmin made it clear that we as individuals have a certain degree of power over our own lives, and that some have more power and agency than others (some a LOT more). She also discussed governmental and societal roles in improving the lives of communities and society as a whole. How much power do we have as individuals in shaping society as a whole? Not a lot, but some. We can vote (if we are eligible.) We can live our lives and our values in such a way can help others, perhaps by deeds we do, perhaps by example.
I found this conversation really interesting. I have the book on hold at the library, but haven’t gotten it yet. You can listen to the the podcast here, or read the transcript if you’d prefer, here.
28 Comments
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
BRB, gotta download that podcast.
This hits home because this summer my therapist suggested taking meditation breaks during the workday to help with my job stress. The meditations felt great, but they didn’t fix the fact that my job sucked, and I was surprised that they actually made me pretty angry afterwards. As she says, the cards are stacked differently for different people, and I fully have the option to quit my job – which I actually did which led to me staying in the job for now with a huge raise. I’m still working out how I feel about that.
J
Wow, that is such a perfect example of what she was talking about! And your struggle with the decision to stay in your job was so much a struggle with living your values. Right now your values mean putting away more money for retirement, which is difficult because you hate your job. Doesn’t make it the wrong decision, just makes it hard.
I think you’re going to love this podcast, esp when they say that faux self-care makes them feel a little ‘Ragey’.
Suzanne
This was fascinating — thanks for breaking it down. There really is such a big difference between the “quick fix” acts of self-care and the real, deeper work. My therapist and I are working on the aligning your values aspect and it’s much harder and more complicated than I ever anticipated.
J
Yes, it seems really complicated and not at all a quick fix. It was a really interesting podcast.
Ally Bean
I like this simple explanation of what self-care is [and isn’t, by default]. I know that it’s not easy to put yourself first, yet if you don’t life gets way too dramatic and messy. At least for me that’s how it goes. With this structure in mind I can keep myself from falling into bad habits, maybe create some better ones even.
J
Ally, yes, exactly!
nance
Great post. I love the blurb about real self-care vs. faux self-care. It’s absolutely spot on. You can journal, do some meditation, and deep-breathe to try to preserve your Zen, but when larger factors work against you, you have to do something more meaningful and internal.
It’s like coming home from vacation and everything is still here, just the way you left it.
Thanks for the recommendation. I’m off to Amazon.
J
Thanks Nance, do you think I should get some sort of kick back from the author? LOL.
Tierney
Thank you for the podcast & the Cliff Notes version of the takeaways! Maybe I’ll compare and contrast with a GOOP episode, hahaha. I think the practicing self-compassion is my area of focus, although I think the process of aligning values is one that requires constant attention and calibration.
And yes, you should add an affiliate link! 🙂
J
Laughing on the GOOP episode, I didn’t even know they had a podcast, though I’m mostly unaware of GOOP. Why is self-compassion so damn hard? I’m not sure, I just know that it REALLY IS.
Ernie
This is very insightful and helpful. Really good information.
I’m so angry right now at the high school for allowing this situation with this basketball coach to happen – I had a hard time even being in the building yesterday to watch Curly’s game. I wish I knew the kind of self-care that would help me cope. I would like to feel empowered, but I just feel upset and helpless and angry. I’m pretty sure whatever I’m doing – I’m doing it wrong, because I’m feeling overly stressed and wronged, on behalf of my kid.
J
Ernie, I don’t know that any of the immediate self-care stuff will help you here. Your situation is so crappy and retaliatory and specific, I don’t know how to deal with it long term either to help you feel more in control of a situation over which you do not have any control. Maybe going to the school board? Maybe work to bring different people onto the school board. It wouldn’t help your son, but it could help to prevent future similar issues. UGH.
Ernie
Thank you J. I wish there was something I could do immediately to make me feel better. This is such a difficult and stupid situation. Shame on the school for allowing this to happen. I know there will be a time after this, but I long for that time. I want justice for my son. It isn’t right. In the meantime, our lawyer is filing a lawsuit. I’m hoping that gives us closure – but we have to win. It only makes sesne.
J
I’m hoping at the sight of the lawsuit they cave!
Margaret
This is exactly what I needed to read right now and I will be sending it along to my younger daughter who has LOTS of work to do in this area.
J
I hope the podcast can help her! One of the things they talked about was the privilidge of self-care. The specific example they used was how when you are the mother of a newborn, one of the BEST ways to avoid post-partum depression is to get at least 4-6 uninterrupted hours of sleep a night. Difficult in the best of circumstances, but almost impossible if you are a single parent.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
Thank you so much for sharing that. It sounds like a very interesting topic. I will check out the podcast and see if the library has a copy.
I think I have heard of this concept of internal self care somewhere. Maybe in Katherine Mays book Wintering?! I am not sure.
J
Oh, interesting! I haven’t heard of that book. Honestly I very rarely read non-fiction, so it’s probably off of my radar. I would never have considered this book if they hadn’t been talking about it on a podcast that I (semi) regularly listen to.
San
Super-interesting and thought-provoking. The message about self-care basically is: what do you need to do to improve your life so you don’t need the external self-care practice (simply put). It’s true that acts of self-care do feel good in the moment, but often do not fix the situations that make us need self-care in the first place.
If your life is in balance, your soul will be as well.
J
San, that is so well said, thank you!
Jenny
Great post. Yes, I think most “self care” you hear about these days is the quick fix kind. It’s nice to see this in-depth breakdown of how to do the real work. I’m going to recomment this podcast to my husband- he’s been talking about self care a lot lately and I think he’d be really interested.
J
Thanks Jenny, I hope your husband finds it as interesting as I did!
coco
very interesting concept. I think external self care still matter…. I do feel less stressed and rested when i take time for myself doing things I love.
I agree that the four pillars are important for long term self care, and we all need to cultivate them in our lives.
J
Coco, absolutely, those little things that help you get through day to day are so important. We just hope for things to make them less necessary, aka, an easier time of it all.
Nicole MacPherson
Brilliant, just brilliant. I agree with all of her sentiments so much, so I will absolutely have to read this book! Thanks J!
J
Thank you Nicole!
Stephany
This was so fascinating – thanks for writing about it, J! I am going to add that book to my TBR because it sounds really incredible. The whole point of aligning our values to our self-care practices is really hitting home for me. I need to noodle on that a little more!
J
Thanks Stephany, yes, I’m noodling on it as well. I’m not very good with non-fiction, so I’m getting this from the library (audiobook), but I may end up buying a physical copy if I like it.