Looking Good
LaLuna has two wonderful daughters, Big Sis and Chee. In so many families, each person has a role, i.e., “The pretty one”, “The smart one”, “The funny one”…in this case, they are both pretty, smart, talented, and funny, so she’s obviously doing something right. Chee has always been interested in fashion…when she was little, she used to like to talk to me about my clothes…”Auntie J, I like your shoes…” that kind of thing. She used to like showing people her newest outfit, and she would come out and say, “This is how I look.” Just matter of fact, satisfied and happy with her appearance.
I wish that confidence could remain with us. I wish that Chee still felt that way, confident in her beauty and sense of style. I wish that I felt that way, that everyone could feel that way.
The other day, as Maya was getting ready for school, she said, “I look terrible.” What? My pretty little girl? I know she is often frustrated with her hair, so I thought maybe it was that. I asked what about the way she looked that was terrible. “My face. I hate my face.” She said. Ugh. What do you say to that? What can I say that will help her through this rough time, the pre-teen and teen years? I mean, I don’t always like my face now, but I’m a lot more accepting of it than I was when I was 10 and so sure I was the ugliest person on earth. I wasn’t sure what to say, I didn’t want to negate her feelings, but I also didn’t want to say anything that would make her feel worse. I told her that I like her face. I think she’s beautiful. I like her eyes and her smile and her skin. I told her that, yes, there are times when I hate the way my face looks too, and that I suspect other people do sometimes as well, so she’s not alone.
I started thinking about it, and I realized that while many of us have a hard time with our looks during this time, it goes beyond that. It’s more than, “Am I pretty enough?” There’s also, “Am I smart enough?”, “Am I funny enough?”, “Do I really fit in?”, “Would people really like me if they could know what I’m thinking?”, “Do other people have these thoughts, these feelings?” It’s such a hard time, and there is a strong desire within me to protect her during this time, to help her through it. And yet, it is in finding the answers to these questions that we develop from a child into an adult, it is in discovering what we are made of, deep inside, that we begin to understand who we really are, and, hopefully, we can begin to come to terms with, and even like, this person. Often, though, at 40 years old, I’m still working on some of this.
Any advice to make this time easier for Maya? For Chee? What would you say? Or what did someone say to you, that really helped?
20 Comments
Py Korry
She is at an ultra-sensitive age. Sometimes when I get annoyed with her, she takes it SO hard that I wonder if I’m being too severe with her.
No advice, really. Just duck and cover! 😉
Ml
This makes me very sad because Maya is a beautiful, lovely girl. I’m saying this based on the many sweet pictures you’ve posted of her. I’m positive that in real life she’s even more stunning because I would get to see her insides as well as her outsides.
I think you standing by her and giving her positive reinforcement is the key. Now is the time to give them that support because when they get older, and they didn’t get the positive stuff as a youngster, the negative self worth becomes part of them.
Give Maya a big hug for me. And give one to yourself from me also. You need to feel better, also 😉
Dot
It’s hard to go through this again isn’t it? Autumn told me the other day, “look my pants are too big.” In a way that I would because I want to lose weight. It made me very sad. I tell her that she is just the right size for her age and girls her age shouldn’t even have to think about such things. But they do. Girls learn from their mom’s and then bring the good, bad and the ugly to school to share with everyone. We just have to keep building them up with confidence until one day, they are ready to stand on their own two beautiful feet.
Shelliza
Maya is beautiful and hopefully, she will see that for herself soon! I think we all went through this stage (well, I’m still going through it at 30!)I agree with MI, positive reinforcement is the key.
P.S. She looks like she could be related to my little Connor:) Tell her I think she’s a DOLL! (((HUGS)))
Tracy
So much of a girl’s self-esteem comes from her relationship with her Dad. Ted’s affirmations of her beauty (inside and out) and self-worth go a long way. (And I’m not at all implying that he’s not affirming her now. I think every pre-teen/teen girl goes through what Maya is going through.)
Jenny
I too went through a faze where I hated my looks, and still do go through fazes. It is part of life and I have a daughter who is pre teen and hates things about her looks too. She is very chunky right now and so she feels less than other people because she isnt super model thin. But she is only 11 and growing and shouldnt be super model thin. I dont think super models are suppose to be that thin either but they do it regardless of their health all for looks. And I know that men prefer a woman with curves vs the skinny boy look. So I tell her she is the prettiest girl I have ever seen and that I understand her concerns but others dont hate her looks. It usually puts a smile on her face, if she doesnt say you have to say that cause your my mom. She likes to say she plans on dieting, which I hate because an 11 year old shouldnt be dieting. All I can do is feed her heathy food and give her good choices and when she craves a sweet let her have it. She is now slimming out as she grows taller. So I hope this faze is behind her soon. Also she hates her teeth. They are crooked and she really needs braces, which I cant afford right now. She hides her smile and I hate it. I want her to smile because she shows off those great dimples. I guess after all this rambling what I would advise is to keep up what you are doing. Positive reinforcement is the key to keeping them in a healthy mental state about their appearance.
ally bean
Poor kid. Everyone goes through that self-doubt, but it’s not easy. I’m glad that Ted is a positive influence and I think that pointing out specifically what is great about her looks is helpful. Still, though, my heart goes out to her. Poor kid.
Maya's Granny
You are doing good things. It is important not to discount her feelings, even when they are so “off course” and upsetting to us. To acknowledge that she feels like that and that has to feel bad. You are also at that tightrope stage where she needs to know that you went through things too, but will not want you to say you understand for much longer. Hard rapids to paddle through.
With you, I mostly did exactly what you are doing. Told you what I liked about your looks, never told you that you were pretty, just that I felt good looking into your eyes or liked the way the sun reflected off your hair — things that you could accept without putting you in the position of having to defend feeling ugly or feeling like I expected you to be beautiful.
CG
Maya (Moons) is getting the pre teen thing. I thinks a pair of nice hoop earrings would would sure bring a big smile to her face when she looks in the mirror.
As a matter of fact, I nearly got her one yesterday at McCaulous, but I feel I must check with you first J. You are a fantastic mom J. You will say the right things to her.
Lalunas
I have no advise. Chee struggles with this issue. I am sure if she was someone else and saw the real Chee walking down the street, she would marvel at her beauty. Just like I am positive if Maya was a Jackie for a day, she’d change her mind when she saw herself from another persons shoes; how beautifully her eyes sparkles and her cute button nose, and the radiant smile, not to mention her flawless skin, and long thick rich color brown hair.
Heidi
Just wanted to say this is a lovely, thoughtful well written post.
Beenzzz
It’s hard going through this phase. You are right, I don’t think it ever ends and sometimes it can lead to extreme competitiveness (NOT GOOD!). Just always reassure her that she’s smart and pretty and she will feel that way. Sometimes Zoe has bad days with not thinking she’s smart enough. It’s usually math that sends her over the edge. We keep on encouraging her and you know what? She’s really good at math! 🙂 It’s all about keeping that confidence up in a good way.
Heather
Oh man – with three daughters, I feel your pain. I don’t really have advice, but I think you’re doing the right thing just by providing affirmation and a safe place to ask those questions about herself.
hellomelissa
can’t we all still feel the pain of adolescence? you won’t believe what my mom always told me, “there is ALWAYS someone prettier, smarter, taller, thinner, and more talented than you. it’s not being lovely but being LOVED BY OTHERS that brings value to your life.” it was a realistic way of looking at things, and i’m not sure it helped so much then, but when i get those insecurities now, i always think of her words.
and btw, maya’s gorgeous.
Lotus
I think Maya’s beautiful! When my kids had issues with their looks it was usually because with their East Indian complexions they “stood out” …I can tell you they hated not looking like the rest of their friends, but now that they are in their early teens, they seem to have left that behind. These days they can’t seem to pass a mirror without preening! I feel confident this is just a phase that Maya is going through, it will pass. Do tell her she’s the loveliest 10-year old I have seen!
Michelle
I don’t know that I have any wise words for her, other than I know that I felt similar as a child and my parents just gave me plenty of hugs and compliments and showed their approval of me enough that eventually I gained confidence and grew out of that. But that was my story, eveyone’s different.
Michelle
Oh I forgot, Sweetney is right here:
http://www.sweetney.com/001468.html
for a clip on Bowie.
M
Gina
I will echo everyone in that she is just a beautiful girl, inside and out.
Unfortunately, I have not a bit of advice.
But I think you and Ted are doing the right things and she will emerge from her pre-teen years just fine!
Black Belt Mama
Ugh. That is so hard. I’m reading a book called “Growing a Girl” and it concerns ages birth-12. If I come up with anything from it, I will let you know.
I do think that one of the most important things is for girls to be involved in activities that give them confidence. Whether it’s band, karate, or another sport or something artistic, confidence in activities tends to translate into confidence in self and then appearance.
I went through this too at that age, but my sister went through it much worse and I truly believe it’s because I was always involved in athletics and other activities and she was not.
Maya is a beautiful girl. Isn’t it funny how we spend our most youthful years thinking we look horrible and then when we’re older and wrinkles start to appear, we wish we had our youthful appearance back?
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