Parenting Landmines
The other day I wrote a post about Maya saying she hated her face. She has since read the post, and told me that she doesn’t USUALLY hate her face, she really only hated her face that day because it had mosquito bites on it, and they were ugly. That’s a relief, and really, who wants to walk around with mosquito bites on their face?
Thinking about all of this brought up another issue to me….the issue of our intentions vs. their effects. How we try our best to be supportive, loving, encouraging parents, and sometimes, we just can’t quite get it right. Sometimes I think that’s because the advice we get, or read, or figure out for ourselves, is in itself faulty. Other times, I think it’s because there’s really nothing that you can say that is going to work as well as you want it to, that some issues are just minefields, and the best you can do is duck and cover, and hope to come through with at least one limb still attached to your body.
In the comments to the face post, my mom wrote of how she dealt with these issues when they came up for me:
With you, I mostly did exactly what you are doing. Told you what I liked about your looks, never told you that you were pretty, just that I felt good looking into your eyes or liked the way the sun reflected off your hair — things that you could accept without putting you in the position of having to defend feeling ugly or feeling like I expected you to be beautiful.
The theory, as I understand it, is that when you tell your child that they are beautiful, it puts pressure on them to be beautiful, and then if they don’t feel beautiful all of the time, or if they look around and see that someone else is MORE beautiful than they are, they feel like they are letting you down, which only adds to the feeling of crappiness that they’re already going through. Or maybe it would make them feel like they always have to look their very best, like it’s never OK to run around looking grubby and unkempt. Or like a zit is the end of the world. Or, if the child feels truly ugly that day, and you tell them they are pretty or beautiful, they feel like you’re just NOT HEARING THEM, which is one of the biggest complaints of being a teen anyway, how you feel like no one really understands you, and if they would just listen, just try, maybe they could get it. It’s using what’s called an “I statement”, making statements that the child doesn’t have to argue against, can’t really argue against, because if my mom tells me that she likes my eyes, she’s not saying that anyone else does, just telling me HER feelings, which is non-threatening.
However, when I heard my mom say to me that she liked my eyes, she liked my hair, but never told me that I was pretty, I felt like she was looking at me and thinking, “Well, she’s not as pretty as the other girls, but at least she has shiny hair. I’ll tell her that.” Like she was compensating. So you see? Here she was restraining herself from telling me that she thought I was pretty, and what was the result? I felt ugly. Worse, I felt that she was confirming my uglyness. I felt like SHE thought I was ugly. Being a mother now myself, I know that nothing could be farther from the truth, I know that she was trying her best to make me feel good about myself and that there was nothing wrong with who I was, who I would grow up to be. But it wasn’t what I needed to hear at the time. And really, who knows. If she had told me I was pretty, I might have dismissed it with a different internal thought…”She’s my mom, she HAS to think I’m pretty. Doesn’t mean I am.”
Moral of this story? When you’re the parent of a teen, you can’t win. You will get some things right, and others wrong, and all you can do is your best. I wonder what I’m doing wrong already with Maya, you know, besides the ritual beatings and ridicule?
11 Comments
Ml
I guess everyone is different. It would mean more to me, as a child/teen if my Mom told me I was pretty (or smart, or funny, or…) than having it come from someone else. Parental validation is very important. But, a parent saying to that to their child only when the child is feeling badly about themselves, probably makes them feel worse. An ongoing validation of the child is more effective.
I can see where Maya is coming from with the mosquito bites. Even a beautiful girl like her would feel weird with that on her face! 🙂
Tabitha
It is hard to reconcile these things. You always want to do your best by your kids & want to make things ‘ok’ for them. And as you said, sometimes we will, sometimes we won’t. But some things are just beyond us. Sometimes our desired reaction or end-result is the farthest thing from what actually happens.
This beauty/self-esteem thing stresses me out. I don’t have these worries with my son. I do – just not in the same way, obviously, as I do with my daughter.
I don’t know what the secret is to all of thise. However, maybe opening up the dialogue. Asking questions about how they are feeling at that moment – that day, mirroring what they are saying. And then adding your opinion or whatever…..
I don’t know if any of this is making sense. And what do I know on the subject at this point??? As my daughter is 2 years old & believes that the whole world ‘knows’ she is beautiful.
In her mind….”Is it even a question??? Puh-lease.”
Beenzzz
I think it’s hard to grow up in an environment where there are no compliments whatsoever. I don’t remember being told I was pretty or smart or anything like that. I guess that was just the way of the old country. I really hated it because my other friends parents were so complimenting to them and they seemed so happy and cofident. I make sure I let Zoe know everyday that she is a beautiful, talented, intelligent person that I love very much. I don’t EVER want her to go through life thinking that I don’t see her that way. I know I can’t prevent her from having insecurities, but I want to make sure I stop as many of them as I can. Those tween/teen year suck!
Dot
Sometimes I think this is just too hard. I do tell Autumn she’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s just the right size for her. And when it gets too much for her she tells me ok ok Peace Out. Which means this conversation is over NOW.
J
Peace Out! Love it. I’ll have to teach that one to Maya. 😉
Tracy
It sounds like you are very tuned into your child and that the two of you have good communication, and that is a great gift! Since we are only human, we will never be “perfect” as parents or as children. But we can show each other unconditional love and acceptance, and that goes a very long way in building self-esteem. 🙂
Michelle
A good post for those of us heading into the teen years.
Jess
Ah, yes. Ritual beatings and ridicule…the stuff successful adulthoods are made of.
Maya's Granny
Now, why did I never think of ritual beatings and ridicule?
It really is a minefield. And you really can’t tell how the child is going to react — until she’s 40 years old and tells you.
And I repeat Sunday’s response. You were the prettiest little girl who ever lived, and it was hard to not tell you so.
But I can tell you that you are a beautiful woman, bright, loving, kind, funny, and a very good mother. I am, and always have been, proud of you.
la luna
You are doing great. This too will pass. But it sure takes a long time.
ally bean
You are doing your best to understand Maya and yourself. I think that those two things combined with your professed good intent (ritual beatings and ridicule aside) will in the long run result in a well-balanced girl. It’s keeping the long run in mind that is tricky.