Winning an Argument Meme
The astute and hilarious Ploop has come up with a group meme, in which we discuss our methods of winning arguments, and link to his post. If you haven’t been to Ploop’s blog, Plooptionary, let me tell you that Ploop is able to explain concepts both trivial and complex through the use of charts and graphs, and has made me want to embrace the art of the Venn diagram. He tagged me to play, and I will happily dive in.
First off, I must confess that when it comes to political arguments, I don’t often win. If you’re louder or meaner than me, or if you start quoting obscure factoids about Rhodesia in defense of your opinion, I pretty much write you off as bombastic, and smile sweetly. Remember that next time you’re pontificating at a cocktail party, and a woman is smiling sweetly at you. She probably thinks you’re an ass. You may ‘win the argument’, but you’ve definitely ‘lost the war’.
When I do win an argument, it’s usually because I use the little known yet deadly, “Julie Ward Logic”. That’s Ted’s term for it, and when it comes out, you haven’t got a chance. (In case you don’t know, Julie Ward was my maiden name. Just FYI.) Julie Ward logic comes in most handy when someone says something completely stupid, like, “There has to be intelligent life on Mars, because it’s so close to Earth”, or “The reason that the full moon looks bigger when it’s closer to the horizon is because it IS bigger when it’s closer to the horizon. It shrinks as it gets higher in the sky”. Here’s my chart for Julie Ward Logic, and its use in winning arguments.
Julie Ward Logic, however, is not infallible. It can be bested, most notably when someone says something SO STUPID, that logic is useless, and then, sadly, being a logical person deep down, you may actually cause my head to explode.
This lovely diagram is an example of how extreme stupidity can actually trump Julie Ward Logic.
Unfortunately, my diagram, unlike Ploop’s elegant ones, which are pretty clear, requires a bit of back story. To understand my diagram, you have to first understand my smooshy love feelings for elephants. Second, you must read of my understandable fear of travelling to Africa. Last, and most importantly, you must hear a short tale…
When I was younger, and living in San Francisco (2 bedroom flat with hardwood floors, a dining room, AND a backyard for $850 a month! ACK!), I had a wonderful roommate named Troy. Troy was a great guy, would bring me flowers, rub my shoulders, and cook yummy meals. Overall, a great choice for my first roommate. Plus, he was gay, so I got the secure feeling of having a man in the house, without any worries about one of us developing ‘feelings’ for the other. Troy wasn’t so much of a book reader, though he was a genius with the languages (he picked them up like crazy…knew enough to get by in the following: French, German, Japanese, Arabic, Spanish, and Portuguese…all without ever leaving the U.S.). I don’t think that I ever saw Troy read a book for pleasure, and that’s never good in my mind…perhaps related to this, perhaps not, he could come up with some pretty strange ideas. Well, one balmy afternoon, I was trying to take a nap on the sofa, and Troy had a friend over, and they were sitting in the dining room eating North Beach Pizza and chatting. I’m just dozing off, when I hear Troy state, “Did you know that the only animals, besides humans, that are cannibals, are elephants?” WTF? I mean, what is he talking about? First of all, I suspect that there are plenty of carnivorous beings out there that, if hungry enough, would take a bite out of a dead whatever they are, without a second thought. Secondly, elephants are herbivores. That, Julie Ward Logic dictates, will get in the way of any cannibalism. Hearing the awe and belief in the friend’s voice, I was unable to maintain my pseudo-sleepy pose, and I piped up with, “No, actually, elephants are NOT cannibals, mainly because they are herbivores…meaning, they DON’T EAT MEAT.” “But,” said Troy, “what about the elephant graveyards?”
Which is when I gave up, and my head exploded, because that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard in my life. See? That’s why I often lose arguments. If you’re beyond hope? I quit and give up. I just went to my room, and continued my nap there, which is probably what Troy wanted anyway.
14 Comments
MsMamma
This is one of the funniest things, ever! I love it!
Gina
I too have had my brain explode when hearing certain people speak. It amazes me the things that people pass off as fact.
This was too funny!
Starshine
“Remember that next time you’re pontificating at a cocktail party, and a woman is smiling sweetly at you.”
That is hilarious and SO TRUE!
Ml
I can so relate to the brain exploding thing. I have a hard time smiling sweetly, though 🙂
Maya's Granny
Absolutely right on. And so funny.
DG used to come out with the most amazing statements when he had just a little too much to drink. Things like “We can’t go to the moon. Once you get beyond earth’s gravity, all the molecules will fall apart.”
My favorite argument:
DG “There are no bears in Europe.”
MG “What about the bears in Hans Christian Anderson?”
DG “They were added by the translator.”
There is just no way to win an argument like that.
Beenzzz
I like your graphs. Elephants are cannibalistic….that was a weird thing for him to say! I always have to win an argument! I have up a Venn diagram on my site too. 🙂
Gail
I loved this post especially strewn with the charts.
I read your blog every day and have for a few months. I found it after stumbling upon your Mom’s blog, “Maya’s Granny”.
It’s a real treat to read smart and witty writing.
Thanks for a wonderful break in my day.
Best,
Gail
Py Korry
Ah, the story about Troy finally gets the bloggy treatment. I’m so very happy!
lalunas
Well lets consult Babar on this. He consulted the old elephant counsellors Cornelius and Pompadour and their comment on the subject elephants are cannibals are, “that is preposterous”.
I think is it very amusing how people come up with stuff and like you I never urgue unless it is PY that says it. hehehehe
hellomelissa
i’m not real into the scream-over-eachother form of arguing. i like to argue in conversational tones, with a diplomatic flair, and a big hug at the end.
and since i’m (obviously) always right, i always win. 🙂 just kidding. but my parents were absolutely convinced i was going into defense law when i was young.
wanderlust scarlett
Love this one! HAAAA… so funny. And so terribly true… yikes! I think the phrase goes… ‘how can you have a battle of wits with an unarmed person?’.
I’m good at smiling through it now. My job, values and beliefs require it of me. In that order, actually, I think.
Excellent charts/graphs, I understood them immediately and enjoyed them very much.
Wonderfully funny story… you digress briefly at intervals, like I do. You write like I think, and it’s quite a delight to read that way.
Thank you again, so much!
I will add your page to my favorites and visit often.
Scarlett
Erielle
Ha ha, I love the graphs! I want to make a Venn diagram now. You should invent a Venn diagram meme.
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dew
Yeah, I don’t argue against stupidity, either. In fact, if I bother to argue with someone, it’s a sign of pretty strong respect, because I consider most people not worth trying to reason with. Little bit of a misanthrope, ha ha.
Anyway! I came looking for your contact info to answer your question on my blog, but I couldn’t find it, so I’ll just answer here. I’d love to interview you about that book! Just email when you’re read. And I notice you put me on your blogroll, so thank you! I have to update mine again soon. I use google reader, so I keep forgetting to add people to the blogrolls.