Pity Party
This whole hospital thing is sucking more and more. I mean, the doctors and nurses are wonderful, the cafeteria isn’t bad, and they have an on site hotel that I just moved to, which will mean I can return my car, and spend more time with my mom. There’s free wifi, and I have my brother’s laptop to keep me company. So, what’s not to like? I can’t get the thought out of my head that my mom could die in this hospital. This could be the last building she ever sees, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.
Heart bypass surgery isn’t easy in the best of conditions, but my mom also suffers from diabetes and apnea, and the doctor said her organs aren’t that healthy. So this won’t be a standard bypass, the risks are high, and it’s stressing me out. Add to that that I’m homesick. I miss my husband and my daughter. I want to hold them and kiss them. I want someone here to be with me if things go badly on Monday, but that’s not going to happen. My brother left today to start packing up my mom’s house and tying up loose ends there. So I’m feeling lonely and sad, and again, what if she dies? How can I possibly live in this world if she’s not in it? Even though I know that she will indeed die some day, that no one lives forever, the thought of it becoming a reality is inconceivable to me.
18 Comments
thebluestbutterfly
Hugs to you. 🙂
thebluestbutterfly
I just realized that I put a smiley at the end of my comment. It was a huggy smiley not a cheerful one. Hugs,again.
Starshine
Oh, J, I’m so sorry.
*BIG bear hug!*
--Deb
When all is said and done, a hospital, however nice, is still a hospital. I’m sending your Mom get-well vibes–I’m sure she’ll be fine! Hugs….
Kvetch
I’m so sorry – my thoughts are with you – and I’m glad you can let it all out here – knowing that people who care are reading and pulling for your mom.
Jill
Oh, Julie, even though I’m not in Anchorage, and I’ve never even met you in person, I am sending you lots of support. I know this is so hard for you. Remember that there are people all around the world–literally!–who are thinking of you and pulling for you and your mom.
Jill
Autumn's Mom
I’m so sorry you are home sick. I wish Ted and Maya could be there with you 🙁 I’m thinking of you and your mom every day. Call me if you need anything friend.
ML
J, I can see where you miss your family. Feeling alone in a situation like this is awful.
Putting positive vibes out there for your Mom. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the best possible outcome.
Gina
J, I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I too, can be a glass half-empty type of person on a bad day, so I can only send you some big cyber hugs and keep sending the good vibes up to your mom.
You both are loved, and I wish Py and Maya could be there with you as well.
CuriosityKiller
J, I know this is not helping anyway – and my heart cries for you knowing you’re in that hospital by yourself just worrying over your mother… but I hope you know you are connected to people who really care about your welfare and your mother’s progress. Vent all you need on your blog if you need. Wish I can send you a hug through the screen.
Just try not to think negatively right now, your body needs your mind to stay strong.
Cherry
Oh J!
I’m sorry Richard had to leave.
I’m sorry you’re all alone.
I’m sorry you are scared.
I’m sorry and wish I could give you a big hug in person.
You have a lot of people at home and all around this blogosphere sending you lots of love up North.
Linda Atkins
Julie, I am so sorry for what you and your mother are going through. (I’m one of Joycelyn’s online buddies, of eight or so years’ duration, in San Francisco.) As others have said, so many are sending you love and good wishes and hoping for the best. It’s good that you’re finding time to check in here; thank you for letting us know what’s going on. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for your mother, and I hope you will find some ways to comfort and care for yourself as best you can. I completely sympathize with your dread of losing your mother. I hope it’s not going to happen anytime soon.
debra
Sending good thoughts and positive energy your way. {{hugs}}
jeri
my best thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your mom…homesick and scared…I just hate that you are up there feeling like that. As all before me have said…there are alot of people sending you good stuff. I hope that will lift your spirits.
Jo
My wish is for you all to be filled with a sense of peace and light and feel an embrace during this time of scary uncertainty.
Jimmy
Oh J….I’m so sorry……I know Ted & Maya miss you as much as you miss them.
I understand where your comming from and sometimes wonder if life would be worth living without either of my parents!
You be strong for your mom. I know you will and that’s really the best any of us can do.
It’s so strange how bullet proof we feel as youngsters, and then we feel so fragile in old age.
You are so strong to share your feelings with us! I don’t know if i could do that? I would probably shut down? Then again maybe it’s a great place to vent and share thoughts of our journey in this life?
I think Genevieve misses you too, and your mom’s cats probably miss her too!
Hugs…………..Jimmy
C
Oh, J! My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. When my Dad had his heart attack, I was really scared, sad, and lost. It made my heart hurt to think of what life would be without him. Like your mom, he has diabetes and apnea. He came out fine and it made me cherish my time with him even more.
You, your mom and your family are all in my thoughts. xo
Aimee Greeblemonkey
I am really behind on my blog reading, but wanted to send hugs.