My Therapy
What if these last practically three months in hospitals and care facilities and confusion have taken too much of a toll on my mom? What if she’s too far gone down the road of depression, and no amount of encouragement, no words of love and support, no gifts or even medications, can bring her back to the point where she’s willing to fight the good fight, the fight that must be fought, and fought by her, to eat and move and get well again? What if she’s given up, without realizing that that’s what she’s done?
And what if that struggle, that giving up by her mind and the not ready to let go yet of her body, what if that struggle goes on for years, perhaps many, perhaps many, before one of them relinquishes control? Will I have the strength to fight that battle? Do I even want to? Do I even know what is involved in a fight like that?
(not official therapy here, just fearful thoughts, and sometimes, getting them down, gets them out in the open and gets them outside of me.)
6 Comments
Autumn's Mom
Get it out J. We’ll call this group therapy. I try to put my mom and I into yours and your mom’s shoes and the weight is very very heavy. I’m sorry that life really sucks some times and the burdens are too heavy to bear. I wish there was something any one of us could say to you, to make you feel better and to make your mom feel better. There isn’t much except that I love you and I’m here for you.
Theresa Bakker
Have you read The Year of Reading Proust? There’s good sick mother/strong daughter stuff in there. Also, an essay by Mary Gordon called Still Life. This is hard, but you are strong. And we are here for you.
Rain
No one can answer those questions for you. Your mother will have to make her own choices; and much as we love others, we can’t make them for them. This will sound hard probably, but your first priority has to be your beautiful daughter where the future lies. Your mother, who named her blog after Maya, would say the same thing in a different situation. People can ruin their marriages, their children’s lives and in the end not be able to still impact someone else’s decisions about theirs. If you know how to send energy to your mom, do that when you think about it, but it has to be energy for her to follow her own life path– whatever that is. This is tough for you all. It’s good you can write about your feelings here and get it out. It is therapy.
Linda Atkins
Oh, dear, dear, dear. If only we could know what would happen and if only, most of all, it would be what we wanted–that our most precious loved ones would stay with us forever. (Gosh, now I feel a little teary myself.) This is a tough, tough situation; one of the worst you’ll face in your entire life. There’s no right way to do it. All you can do is slog along and put one foot in front of the other and take care of yourself as best you can; I know you’re doing exactly that, and that you are surrounded by love and care. My heart goes out to you (and of course to MG).
J
Actually, though I haven’t said it yet, Mom seems to be doing better these last few days. She didn’t seem too great on Sunday when I went up for Mother’s Day, but seemed much better when I talked to her on Monday. Didn’t get to talk to her yesterday, but will call her today. From what I can tell, the Wellbutrin might be the thing for her, and she’s finally getting counseling, and things may be looking up, finally. (That’s a lot of finallys, but really…finally.) But still, the fears remain, and I found it somewhat cathartic to get them out in the open. I hope I didn’t worry anyone needlessly with this post.
Starshine
I’m glad you got it out. That’s the beauty of the blog…major catharsis and then support from your commenting readers. This commenting reader is sending you a virtual *HUG*~can you feel it?
xoxo