Mawige*…
A random train of thought that started out with me thinking about my new glasses went on to my contact lenses, and somehow derailed into coworkers from 15 years ago, and then took a surprising turn and ended up with me thinking about divorce.
Specifically, I was thinking about this coworker of mine way back in the early 90s, an older guy who was on his 4th or 5th marriage. He met this woman, fell in love with her, and they zoomed up to Tahoe to get married, post haste. Those of us who were a bit younger thought that was kind of strange…what’s the big rush? His reasoning, though, was that when you’re young, you’re not sure if you want to be married, you’re still trying to figure life out and experience things, and then when you decide you’re ready, assuming you’ve met the right person, you get married. But when you’re older, you’ve already experienced your days of ‘adventure’, and you know whether you want to be married or not. So, if you meet someone you love, then heck, why wait? Get married as soon as the idea pops into your head. Not shockingly, this marriage only lasted a matter of months, as the two parties involved didn’t really know each other well enough to determine whether they were truly compatible or not.
But then, my train of thought got on track again, and I thought of my friend Janet, who knew her husband quite well before they were married…they were together for about 3 years prior to the wedding, and stayed married for about 10 years before divorcing. And then there’s Rosemary, who only dated her husband for a few months before they got married, due to them both being in the military and being assigned to bases on opposite sides of the country. Getting married quickly was their only way of being stationed together, and thus avoiding a very long distance relationship. She and her husband recently celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary, and as much as I can tell, things are still going pretty strong for them.
So to say that you need to really know someone well first in order to have a happy marriage is probably not always accurate. (Little side track here, because look at societies with arranged marriages…sometimes the couples know each other, often they don’t, and their success rate is probably about as good, if not better, than the more ‘western’ way of marrying someone of your own choosing) And just because you know them very well first doesn’t guarantee a happy or successful marriage. Which is when my brain goes off again, and starts to wonder how one defines a marriage as ‘failed’ or ‘successful’. Is every divorce a failed marriage? If you were married for 30 years, and 20 of those were happy and healthy, and 6 were going downhill, and 4 were get-me-the-hell-out-of-here-NOW, would you say it was a failed marriage? Or would you say, I had a successful marriage for awhile? If you stayed together for 50 years even though you hate each other’s guts and wish you could treat them like Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas in The War of the Roses, so every day is pure torture, is that a success, just because you’re not divorced?
This really isn’t going anywhere. Just goes to show you how an innocent thought that starts with my new glasses can twist and turn and morph in odd ways. And because I’m like my Grandma this way, and my thoughts often manifest themselves in song, here’s the song triggered by these thoughts, which is pretty much all I’m singing this morning.
Wedding Vows In Vegas, by Was, Not Was
*That’s me trying to imitate Peter Cook in Princess Bride, when he marries Buttercup and Humperdink…
13 Comments
Beenzzz
That is a quite the twist and turn! I remember War of the Roses. I saw it as a teen and was a little horrified by it. Also, if anyone is that miserable, I believe that a big fat divorce is in order!!!!
Gina
When my grandparents had their 60th anniversary and they made their speech, they said that marriage is not always wine and roses, so to speak. They said that of their 60 years, some were great and some were horrible. But it was the decision to stay together and work through the horrible together. That is the definition of a good marriage, I think.
Oh, and they said there were more good years than bad, so I would qualify that as a success!
Shelliza
My parents are an arranged marriage and recently celebrated their 35th anniversary. It’s amazes me how little they knew of each other before they were rushed into marriage and here they are 35 years later, happy as two pigs in sh*t.
ally bean
I love seeing how someone else thinks. This is a great post for that reason alone. But I also think that you bring up a good point about the quality of a relationship being a variable in any discussion of marriage. Time is one thing to consider and celebrate, but if the marriage is unhappy/unproductive, what’s the point of measuring it in years?
Joan
You never know. December 31 will be 20 years for us. We knew each other for several years however getting married at 23 still made the odds against us, I think.
Cherry
Ohhh.. new glasses? Stylish?
I lived in a house with a mom and a dad all of my growing up years, (well at least the first 20 of them). My dad yelled and threatened divorce and it was pretty much… normal to me. Multiple times I asked my mother why she would stay with someone who treated her like this, and with someone whom she never said a kind word to or about. She said, because she took a vow.
So they “celebrated” their 40th anniversary this year, and although 40 years is a long time to “stick it out”, I know at least half of them were miserable. I do NOT deem this a successful marriage, thankfully because I know not to try to have a marriage that is in anyway similar. However, they created 2 children who are smart, and kind, and who see the need and share the desire to have their own families live in a home of successful marriages. So maybe some good came out of those 40 years.
Lalunas
So people marry to marry, you know the big party, fancy dress and all the Who-ha that goes with it. Some people marry because they are lonely, or a clock is ticking and they are running out of time. But the truth of the matter is I believe more and more people are just not willing to put in the work to making the marriage successful.
Py Korry
I hate sound like a flake and say “Hey, whatever floats your boat,” but I think personal happiness is most important. That means if marriage makes you happy (or being single for that matter), then that’s the road you should go down. Bowing to convention, the wishes of others, or even misguided expectations (i.e., “If I marry, then I’ll be happy”) will often lead to an unfortunate end.
wanderlust scarlett
Good topic.
I love marriage when it’s new, full of romance and promise.
I love marriage when it’s old, filled with years of partnership, love, devotion and promises KEPT.
All other kinds of marriage sicken me. Marriage for money, stupidity, tax breaks, personal gain, notoriety, business and convenience, REALLY tick me off…
It would seem that these styles of marriage are rampant across the US now.
The other thing that drives me crazy is infidelity.
We won’t get started on that one.
Nice page here, looks like everything transferred without issue. Good, I’ll be back soon.
Scarlett & Viaggiatore (the lion)
Maya's Granny
My grandparents were married for over 50 years when Grandpa died. They both told me that they had one really bad year, they hung in there and got through it, and the years that came after that bad year were better than the years that came before. So, sticking it out can be a good thing, but I guess if it all becomes sticking it out, not so much.
Starshine
Oh, no need for the asterik, my friend! I love The Princess Bride! Sometimes, just to be cheeky, I’ll ask Husby to do my a favor like this: “Farm Boy, fetch me that glass of water.” He’ll oblige me (sometimes with an eye roll) and say “As you wish.” What a guy!
Ginger
I have to agree. A happy, healthy marriage takes work by both partners and can fall apart easily if one of them quits on the marriage (for whatever reason). I knew my husband only 7 months and we’ve been together 12 years. I don’t think we knew each other that well but I also do not believe we are quite the same people we were 12 years ago. It seems so wrong to describe a marriage as a failure when it ends in divorce, though, and mostly it is the wife who leaves feeling the sense of failure. A miserable marriage is not better than a happy divorce.
V-Grrrl
I’ve known my husband since I was 17 and have been married 25 years. Long term relationships have an ebb and flow to them. Sometimes when I’m irritable and every compromise feels like too much, I have to step back and get a grip and regain some perspective.