Mom
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Ask
Why? This is a totally cruel question to ask, and I almost hate myself for it, but why? Why did my mom have to be the one to suffer and die? I don’t mean to wish this on anyone, but I have friends with parents who have been in hospitals for the last 15+ years, and relief might be a real blessing to them. Why couldn’t it be them, not my mom? My mom, who was looking forward to being healthy, to taking long walks, to going to the farmers’ market and enjoying fresh, wonderful produce. My mom, who still had so much to offer. Why? Why isn’t Ted getting…
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Quote of the Day
(image found here) “Atheism has its uses, but don’t let it get in your way.” ~Dad Context is an email conversation about missing my mom horribly, and what an ideal afterlife would be for her. Dad said she would: Be pain free Know all the answers, to EVERYTHING! Be able to walk, run, FLY Have no financial worries Have no food issues Be in Alaska, California, and someplace exotic, all at the same time Know that her children and darling Maya are OK Know that we all love her I added that in addition to knowing all of the answers, she would be able to share that wisdom with others.…
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Yesterday
Yesterday I went to Sacramento, to go through mom’s things. Thankfully, Richard and Kathy had gone through her things up in Alaska already, and only packed what they thought she would really want or need down here.  It’s so expensive to move things from Alaska, that it didn’t make sense to ship furniture and so on…so it’s just personal stuff and books. It was nice going through her things, seeing familiar items that I grew up with. I found her photo albums, which was the thing I most wanted to have. I found her kaleidoscope collection, which I also wanted. I didn’t get through everything, though, because it was HOT…
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Yoga and Grief
I used to take yoga somewhat regularly, meaning a once-a-week practice. It kind of fell by the wayside a few years ago, and while I was too lazy to do anything about it, I missed it. When my mom went back into the hospital in May, I was so overwhelmed by the stress of her illness, it seemed like getting back into yoga would be a good way to help me deal with some of this stress. So I started up again, and it did help some. The class I take is through our city’s recreation program, so classes are 9 or 10 weeks in length, and then a new…
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Two Weeks
It’s been two weeks now since my mom died. Two weeks. It’s hard for me to believe sometimes. Everyone wants to know how I’m doing, everyone wants to help me get through this. Which I appreciate. I want to get through this, too. Two weeks ago, I felt hollow, I sobbed rather than cried, and I wasn’t sure that having Maya had been a good idea, since someday, when I die, she would have to go through this horrible pain. To quote a quote within The Year of Magical Thinking, that immediate grief feels like “sensations of somatic distress occurring in waves lasting from twenty minutes to an hour at…
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Reading in Grief
V-Grrrl mentioned in her comment that when her parents died (within 6 weeks of each other! God, Dad, be careful!), she had to put all photos of them away, couldn’t drive past their house, couldn’t bear to be reminded. Not that doing these things helped her to forget, I don’t think anything could do that…but she was too raw to cope otherwise. Which made me think of the different ways that people grieve. My uncle made me a lovely collage of photos of my mom, and I find comfort in looking at it. None of the pictures are of her when she was sick, they’re all of her in her…
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In the afterlife…
Do you think there’s food? I mean, with no body, no hunger, no need for nutrition, there wouldn’t be a need for food, right? And yet good food is such a wonderful part of life as we know it. Hmmm. I was thinking about my mom, and how much it sucked that she had lost her appetite and her enjoyment of food after her surgery, because one of the things she was so looking forward to in coming to California is the wonderful produce. And when I brought it to her, she ate a little bit, but she didn’t enjoy it like she used to. She even gave some of…
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Mom’s obit
Joycelyn Ward April 23, 1942 – June 15, 2008 We mourn the loss of Lilith Joycelyn Ward. She leaves behind her daughter, Julie, her son, Richard, her brother, Forrest, her sister Lori, her mother, Virginia, her Aunt Florence, and her many nieces and nephews, and their children. And of course, she was Maya’s Granny. Joycelyn was born in Oakland, CA, and moved a great deal in her lifetime. She lived in California for much of her life, most recently in Sacramento and Citrus Heights, but also spent many years in Stockton and Berkeley. She lived in Juneau, Alaska from 1993 until February of this year. She devoted much of her…
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I had a dream
Art by my brother, Richard Ward. I had a dream the other night. We decided to take my mom off of all of her meds, not just her antidepressants, and she got out of bed and was walking, walking like I haven’t seen her walk in about 25 years. Fast and with a spring in her step. She looked much younger, too…perhaps about 40 years old. She had her hair in two long red braids, and was wearing a tie-dye dress and looked so happy. Carefree and healthy and in her prime. Then I woke up, and for the briefest second, I was truly happy for her. Then it hit…
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Year of the
RatTurdWoke up 3 times last night. Twice by small earthquakes, then a phone call that said mom fell last night on the way back to bed from the bathroom, and hurt her neck. They’re sending her back to the hospital. Sigh. (And another grumpy thought…I haven’t even spoken to a single woman who could bring herself to vote for Hillary (besides a few family members) so what’s this stupid talk about Obama needs to heal rift with women? Idiot press. Most people I’ve talked to say, they’re so similar on the issues, they would vote either way. And then the campaign turned a lot of people off to her. So…
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I’m ready to complain now…
(unenviable job picture found here) I must say, I am not enjoying 2008 thus far. Can it end now, rather than waiting until December 31st? Please? (BlackBeltMama noted on her blog that Spring is over in just a few weeks…so let’s just start with Summer for the turnaround, k?) Why the complaining, you may ask? Am I really that crabby about my stupid stove and dishwasher? No. This has been a hard year thus far on our family, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better as of yet. Perhaps the Sickmas we spent in Portland was a portend of things to come. So. I’ll fill you in. First,…
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Apparently, I’m Stressed
Seems like these last few months are taking their toll on me, and my mom’s latest setback has thrown my stress into full gear. She had a horrid reaction to the Prozac (duh), in that it made her paranoid. She thought she had been kidnapped, and that people were trying to kill her. That wouldn’t be horridly stressful, since I’ve seen this before (far too recently, with the Paxil), and I know the answer is to change the meds. Except that gosh, she hasn’t eaten more than a few bites of anything in a few months, and she isn’t motivated to get up and move like she needs to. Her…
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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
(photo via wiccked’s flickr photostream) I spent much of yesterday in Carmichael, CA, up near Sacramento, getting mom discharged from the hospital, and admitted into another extended care facility. The doctor said she is much better, physically, but he diagnosed her with major depression. I wouldn’t disagree with that diagnosis, as it would explain a lot in the way of her not eating and not wanting to get up and move around. Also, she had realized before her surgery that she had been suffering from some depression, which I’m sure the trauma of surgery and the life altering changes she has experienced since then have only made worse. The doctor…
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Ugh.
My regular readers know that my mom has had health issues as of late. She had a heart attack in February, which landed her in the hospital, where she received heart bypass surgery (otherwise known as a ‘cabbage’, I hear). She spent some time in assisted living, getting strong enough to care for herself, to the point where she can move to California, and stay with her friend, Kate, regaining her strength. Well, she’s been doing ok, but not great. There was some misunderstanding between the cardiologist in Anchorage, and the doctor at the extended care facility, and she didn’t receive some of the heart medications she should have been…
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Welcome Back to California, Mom, and Happy Birthday!