Mom
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One Year
It’s been a year now since my mom died. It’s been a tough year. It’s starting to get easier, but of course, I still miss her a lot. I got an email from my sister in law the other day (Richard’s wife…her father passed away in November, after struggling with bypass surgery, then cancer, then stroke, over a 5 year period), and she said something that really resonated with me. She said that what hurts isn’t so much that they’re gone, but what they had to go through in order to go. That’s it exactly. Of course I would still be sad if my mom had died suddenly in her…
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Mom Yoga
I have two mothers who are yoga teachers. My mother-in-law right here in town, and my step-mother in Portland. I used to joke that Maya would be confused by my mom, her only Grandma who didn’t take or teach yoga. Since I’ve been unemployed, my mother-in-law (“Ma”) has invited me to attend her yoga classes for free (the perfect price for the unemployed…thanks, Ma!). I aim for twice a week, but of course life sometimes gets in the way. Since losing my mom last June, yoga classes sometimes get me crying. Something about slowing down and spending time focused on my body seems to send my thoughts that way, and…
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When Parents Die
My friend Cindy, whose mother died about 5 years ago, met me for lunch a week or two ago, and she loaned me this book, When Parents Die ~ A Guide for Adults, by Edward Myers. The book is specifically written for adult children who lose their parents, whether it be a long, slow decline, a shocking sudden death, or anything in between. I’ve read a few books about death, dying, and grief since I lost my mom last June, and this is the one that has thus far proved the most comforting. I’m not sure if that’s because more time has passed, so I’m more easily comforted, or if…
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People Suck
I just received a phone call from a tissue donation organization, wanting to know if I wanted to memorialize my mom because she donated tissue after she died. I said no, it’s too upsetting to think about, and hung up. But it brought that whole crappy conversation back, and made me realize, yet again, why people suck. My mom wanted to be an organ/tissue donor, so when, a few hours after she had died, I received a phone call from said organization, I said yes, that’s what she would want, I give consent. You would think that would be it, wouldn’t you? Hell no, in this era of litigiousness, when…
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Healing
(picture found here) In yoga class last night, we were supposed to think of an intention for ourselves, and for those we love, and mindfully practice our poses with this intention in mind. The idea is that if you keep your intention present in your mind, you internalize it, and you project it into the world. The first word that came to my mind was ‘healing’. Thinking back over this year, there are so many friends and family who need to heal. Some physically, some emotionally, but all have suffered and are working back towards normal. Then I wondered, what is normal now? What is normal with my mom gone? …
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Grateful
The writing prompt for this week’s Sunday Scribblings is Grateful. I’m thinking of writing of things I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving, so at first I thought that this might be redundant. Then I decided that instead of writing about all of the things for which I am thankful, I would write about my mom, and how grateful I am that I had the time that I had with her. I am grateful for those early years, living in the Bay Area as a small child. My mom was working and going to school and raising two small children. Money was very tight, but she never let that be a big…
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Lack of Relief
(picture found here) Back when my mom was sick, I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated because it didn’t matter who I called, met with, faxed, emailed, whatever, she was still clearly not getting better, was clearly in a serious decline, and it was scary as hell. I spoke to her on the phone every day, and every day, she sounded worse. Every day, I tried to find some way to encourage her to try physical therapy, to do things like go outside, get dressed, watch TV, anything that might lift the burden of depression that was overtaking her. And nothing was working. Not the meds the doctors gave her, not…
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Christmas Curry
Richard emailed me awhile ago, and said that one thing he would like to keep of mom’s is a couple of her curry bowls. This is the set. She took a pottery class back in 1980 and 1981 at our local community college, and she made them for our Christmas curry. Isn’t the glaze pretty? Of all of the things I’m keeping of my mom’s, I think these are my favorite. They’re lovely to look at, and she made them herself, and they bring back memories of meals shared together as a family. When we lived in Alaska, my mom worked two jobs…first as a Montessori teacher, and second (because…
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Wordless Wednesday ~ Missing Mom
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Wordless Wednesday
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Memories
A few smart people commented on this post that the hard last days with my mom were not the sum of our relationship. The suggestion was made that I might find some comfort in stopping every day for a few minutes, and remembering the good times. You know what? You people are smart. I’ve been doing this, and it’s been helping. Not a cure all, of course, but when I start remembering that last visit, I shove my brain over to other visits, other times, and it cheers me right up. I’ve shared my pain and frustration with you, so now, I’ll share some of the good times as well,…
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Haunted
It’s just over 2 months now, since I lost my mom. Sometimes when I’m having a hard day, it helps me to remember that it really hasn’t been that long, and it’s normal for me to still be so heartbroken about this whole thing. I’m tired of her being dead. Tired of it. One thing I’ve noticed in this whole process of grief, is that I’m ok with most of it, or getting there at least, but what makes me the most upset, what brings tears to my eyes any time I think of it, and makes me want to choke (I think only those who have gone through serious…
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Ask
Why? This is a totally cruel question to ask, and I almost hate myself for it, but why? Why did my mom have to be the one to suffer and die? I don’t mean to wish this on anyone, but I have friends with parents who have been in hospitals for the last 15+ years, and relief might be a real blessing to them. Why couldn’t it be them, not my mom? My mom, who was looking forward to being healthy, to taking long walks, to going to the farmers’ market and enjoying fresh, wonderful produce. My mom, who still had so much to offer. Why? Why isn’t Ted getting…
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Quote of the Day
(image found here) “Atheism has its uses, but don’t let it get in your way.” ~Dad Context is an email conversation about missing my mom horribly, and what an ideal afterlife would be for her. Dad said she would: Be pain free Know all the answers, to EVERYTHING! Be able to walk, run, FLY Have no financial worries Have no food issues Be in Alaska, California, and someplace exotic, all at the same time Know that her children and darling Maya are OK Know that we all love her I added that in addition to knowing all of the answers, she would be able to share that wisdom with others.…
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Yesterday
Yesterday I went to Sacramento, to go through mom’s things. Thankfully, Richard and Kathy had gone through her things up in Alaska already, and only packed what they thought she would really want or need down here.  It’s so expensive to move things from Alaska, that it didn’t make sense to ship furniture and so on…so it’s just personal stuff and books. It was nice going through her things, seeing familiar items that I grew up with. I found her photo albums, which was the thing I most wanted to have. I found her kaleidoscope collection, which I also wanted. I didn’t get through everything, though, because it was HOT…