Mom
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Missing my Mom
I was brought to tears this morning by Jon Carroll’s tribute to his mother-in-law, who died last week at the age of 98. I started crying, thinking of how sad his wife, Tracy, must be at losing her mother. (Really? Was I really crying for Tracy, whom I do not know? In an abstract way perhaps. But mostly, no. Mostly I was crying for me.) And then I started crying harder, because I still miss my mom so very much. I had to wonder, how is it different to lose your mother when she’s 98 than it is when she’s 66? When she’s 98, people are pretty much expecting it,…
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13 Again
(pic found here) I remember 13. I remember how emotional I was. Stupid hormones going crazy. I remember crying bitter tears because my mother thought I was ugly. My proof? SHE LOOKED AT ME. Clearly she hated me. And now, I’m the mom. It’s a confusing position to be in, because there are days that are perfectly fine, with laughter and happiness…and then there are days when hormones run hot, and I feel like I can’t say anything right. And when I ask her what’s wrong, she has been thinking I was mad at her the whole time. Which I was not. Not in the least. I remember that, from…
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Suzanne Vega ~ Men in a War
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR2o54X61No[/youtube] Funny how things change in life, right? This song isn’t even my favorite Suzanne Vega song, and before I lost my mom last year, it never would have made me think of her. But now. Now, any time I hear it, it makes me think of that horrible adjustment period after she died. Of how confusing the world suddenly was around me. Of how, though I still had (have) so many things and people in my life that were (are) so very important to me, things would never be the same again, would never be right again. I know how it is When something is gone A piece of…
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The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Dear Sidney, How comforting it was to hear you say, “God damn, oh God damn.” That’s the only honest thing to say, isn’t it? Elizabeth’s death is an abomination and it will never be anything else. This short paragraph struck my heart, because it’s almost what my dad said when I told him that my mom had died. Everyone else was mostly sad for me, worried for me, and said kind things like, “I’m so sorry”, or “Oh, no”, or whatever wonderful and caring things they said. But my dad, he and my mom were part of their own group in High School, their own society that railed against the…
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One Year
It’s been a year now since my mom died. It’s been a tough year. It’s starting to get easier, but of course, I still miss her a lot. I got an email from my sister in law the other day (Richard’s wife…her father passed away in November, after struggling with bypass surgery, then cancer, then stroke, over a 5 year period), and she said something that really resonated with me. She said that what hurts isn’t so much that they’re gone, but what they had to go through in order to go. That’s it exactly. Of course I would still be sad if my mom had died suddenly in her…
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Mom Yoga
I have two mothers who are yoga teachers. My mother-in-law right here in town, and my step-mother in Portland. I used to joke that Maya would be confused by my mom, her only Grandma who didn’t take or teach yoga. Since I’ve been unemployed, my mother-in-law (“Ma”) has invited me to attend her yoga classes for free (the perfect price for the unemployed…thanks, Ma!). I aim for twice a week, but of course life sometimes gets in the way. Since losing my mom last June, yoga classes sometimes get me crying. Something about slowing down and spending time focused on my body seems to send my thoughts that way, and…
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When Parents Die
My friend Cindy, whose mother died about 5 years ago, met me for lunch a week or two ago, and she loaned me this book, When Parents Die ~ A Guide for Adults, by Edward Myers. The book is specifically written for adult children who lose their parents, whether it be a long, slow decline, a shocking sudden death, or anything in between. I’ve read a few books about death, dying, and grief since I lost my mom last June, and this is the one that has thus far proved the most comforting. I’m not sure if that’s because more time has passed, so I’m more easily comforted, or if…
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People Suck
I just received a phone call from a tissue donation organization, wanting to know if I wanted to memorialize my mom because she donated tissue after she died. I said no, it’s too upsetting to think about, and hung up. But it brought that whole crappy conversation back, and made me realize, yet again, why people suck. My mom wanted to be an organ/tissue donor, so when, a few hours after she had died, I received a phone call from said organization, I said yes, that’s what she would want, I give consent. You would think that would be it, wouldn’t you? Hell no, in this era of litigiousness, when…
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Healing
(picture found here) In yoga class last night, we were supposed to think of an intention for ourselves, and for those we love, and mindfully practice our poses with this intention in mind. The idea is that if you keep your intention present in your mind, you internalize it, and you project it into the world. The first word that came to my mind was ‘healing’. Thinking back over this year, there are so many friends and family who need to heal. Some physically, some emotionally, but all have suffered and are working back towards normal. Then I wondered, what is normal now? What is normal with my mom gone? …
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Grateful
The writing prompt for this week’s Sunday Scribblings is Grateful. I’m thinking of writing of things I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving, so at first I thought that this might be redundant. Then I decided that instead of writing about all of the things for which I am thankful, I would write about my mom, and how grateful I am that I had the time that I had with her. I am grateful for those early years, living in the Bay Area as a small child. My mom was working and going to school and raising two small children. Money was very tight, but she never let that be a big…
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Lack of Relief
(picture found here) Back when my mom was sick, I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated because it didn’t matter who I called, met with, faxed, emailed, whatever, she was still clearly not getting better, was clearly in a serious decline, and it was scary as hell. I spoke to her on the phone every day, and every day, she sounded worse. Every day, I tried to find some way to encourage her to try physical therapy, to do things like go outside, get dressed, watch TV, anything that might lift the burden of depression that was overtaking her. And nothing was working. Not the meds the doctors gave her, not…
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Christmas Curry
Richard emailed me awhile ago, and said that one thing he would like to keep of mom’s is a couple of her curry bowls. This is the set. She took a pottery class back in 1980 and 1981 at our local community college, and she made them for our Christmas curry. Isn’t the glaze pretty? Of all of the things I’m keeping of my mom’s, I think these are my favorite. They’re lovely to look at, and she made them herself, and they bring back memories of meals shared together as a family. When we lived in Alaska, my mom worked two jobs…first as a Montessori teacher, and second (because…
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Wordless Wednesday ~ Missing Mom
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Wordless Wednesday
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Memories
A few smart people commented on this post that the hard last days with my mom were not the sum of our relationship. The suggestion was made that I might find some comfort in stopping every day for a few minutes, and remembering the good times. You know what? You people are smart. I’ve been doing this, and it’s been helping. Not a cure all, of course, but when I start remembering that last visit, I shove my brain over to other visits, other times, and it cheers me right up. I’ve shared my pain and frustration with you, so now, I’ll share some of the good times as well,…