Asking Permission
Yesterday’s parenthetical about my ex-coworker (circa 1990) saying he was surprised that Ted ‘let me’ buy floral sheets got me thinking…thinking about the way that couples communicate, and how power struggles come into so many relationships. The idea that I should only buy masculine sheets, because Ted’s virility might somehow be at stake if he slept on floral sheets is insane. The idea that he should only buy floral sheets because I might defect or something on solids or stripes is also insane. It reminds me of a couple we know. I’ll call them Bill and Meg, which aren’t their real names, just in case they ever should come across the blog. Of course, they’ll know who I’m talking about, but they could PRETEND they don’t, right?
Bill and Ted have been friends for a long, long time. Their friendship has its dry patches, where they don’t see each other for over a year at a time. This is mainly due to work schedules and kids and life getting in the way, but it’s also partially due to the power struggles in Bill and Meg’s house. B & M have 2 kids, and both B & M work. When M wants to go do something with her friends, she does. Sometimes she brings the kids, sometimes she doesn’t. When B wants to go do something with his friends, he has to ask M for her permission. And it’s kind of a big deal, where he has to justify wanting to get together with Ted or someone.
A few years ago, Ted got tickets to a concert that required a road trip and an overnight stay in another city. Bill is also a big fan of the group that was playing, so Ted invited him to come along. So, off Bill and Ted went, on their excellent adventure. On the way, Bill asked Ted, “How did you convince J to let you go? Did you have to beg?” Ted said, “No, I told her I was going, she said ‘have fun’, and that was that.” Bill was SHOCKED. Seems that for Bill to get to go to an overnight trip with Ted, a friend he RARELY sees, took major negotiations in that house. He had to promise this and that, and there was a lot of guilt involved about leaving her alone with the kids the whole time. When Ted told me that, I was SHOCKED. It would never occur to me to ask Ted’s permission before signing up to do something like that. I would consult with him, yes. To make sure we didn’t have something else planned, to make sure we could afford it, if there were money involved…but other than that, if I say I’m going to x or y with so and so, Ted says, “Have fun”, and I do the same for him.
Are we strange? Do you require permission from your s/o to go somewhere like that? An overnight trip, to see a concert, with two young kids…would that take begging? Or would your s/o think to themselves, “This almost NEVER happens, it sounds like a lot of fun, and he/she should go and enjoy this opportunity!” ? I’m just wondering….
19 Comments
V-Grrrl
I would never, ever tolerate having to ask permission for anything. A consult,yes, Permission, no.
I can’t stand when couples act like parents of one another instead of individual adults. I don’t even like it when my husband reminds me to turn the lights out after I leave a room or tells me to park the car straight in the garage. It feels so patriarchal!
Ml
Nope, we don’t ask permission from each other, but yes, we do inform each other and that’s it. However, I’ve seen couples where it’s one sided – one can do go out, spend money, etc, but if the other wants to do something, they get shit for it.
Wendy
This is a really good topic – no, we don’t ask permission here either – I cannot imagine saying no to my husband about anything and wouldn’t tolerate it if he did that to me – we do inform each other but hell, we’re not each other’s parents and I would never want to be the reason my husband didn’t get to do something and vice versa – I know my husband has a friend that can’t “do” anything and I always wondered how his friend didn’t resent the hell out of his wife
Py Korry
I was wondering if it’s okay if I, um, get together with (gulp), my friends next week (wiping sweat from my brow)for a couple of drinks? Oh, they said they’d buy. 😉
ally bean
Asking for permission to do something would make my husband start to laugh. He’d think that I was playing a trick on him with a hidden camera or something. We inform each other. We do. We live in peace. We’re equals in this marriage after all.
Valbee
I’ve seen this in other marriages, but it’s usually been the husband who has the authority and they’re generally the same individuals who, when staying with their kids, refer to it as “babysitting.”
jefito
I saw this in action a couple of weeks ago, when I started planning that Dude Trip (that your husband is coming on!) — a friend of ours responded with something like “We’ll have to wait until the wives are together and then see if we can get them to agree to let us go.” I didn’t know how to tell him that the process was slightly different for the rest of us…
dew
Wow, no, that is messed up. I think that relationships where there’s a huge lack of equality like that are creepy. I know this one couple, and the woman just DOES NOT TALK. If you ask her an either/or question, having nothing to do with him, like, “Hey, which do you like better, pizza or sushi?” She will LOOK AT HIM to answer for her! It creeps me out. There are other very creepy things about their relationship I won’t get into here, but that one actually bothers me most.
For us, going out usually means going out together, because we share most of our friends and enjoy each other’s company. But if one of us makes plans to go out alone, we just let each other know.
The flowered sheets thing is just silly. His penis isn’t going to fall off if he touches something pink, geez.
Dot
I think in healthy relationships…there is no asking or begging. Communication? Definitely. I’m glad you and ted are in the healthy one. oh…and I like that there is still a Bill & Ted. EXCELLENT
Random Kath
No asking permission here, but we do check in with each other because sometimes things come up that may conflict with other stuff we plan on doing, or we have to figure out a way for both of us to do what we want to do (especially since we only have one car.) Otherwise, we just do what makes us happy and we trust each other.
Maya's Granny
Why do you suppose I didn’t date some of those men back in the 70s more than once or twice? They wanted to take over my life way before they were even regular dates — marriage would have been ugly indeed. Men of my generation used to expect that behavior, and some still do. It gets scary.
wanderlust scarlett
I am all over that same page with you. There must be balance or there is turmoil (be it subterranea or blatant)
and that’s never good, because eventually, it will surface.
I feel bad for your husbands’ friend, that’s really a shame.
I love the bill and ted tie in though, funny girl.
Scarlett & Viaggiatore
ann adams
I don’t ask permission but since I’m usually leaving at least one child with him, I do ask if he’s okay with it.
It always is, of course.
I have one friend who drops in from time to time (lives across the street). She’ll be here all of two minutes before her husband knocks on the door looking for her.
I can’t imagine living like that.
Heidi
I don’t have a s/o but I would not be able to tolerate that. I have dealt with that kind of relationship in the past and it is awful!
Eric Grubbs
This is a topic I’ve thought a lot about over the years. I’ve been single for a long time and whenever I see a relationship that’s essentially a one-way street, I want to stay single. I just get bummed hearing about how the wife does anything she wants while the husband has to consult with her on everything he wants to do.
I get very inspired around the couples who have open communication. I’ll hear, “We want to have a child next year” or “We want to buy a house later this year.” I think that’s what a healthy, two-way-street relationship should be. But when I see a relationship where there are things like, “My wife wants to have a baby” or “My wife is pressuring me to get a better-paying job,” it derails me. It makes me think being in a reltionship requires unbalanced compromise. It’s scary.
Eric Grubbs
Er, It makes me think being in a relationship requires unbalanced compromise. It’s scary.
Jenny's BFF
Ok, I’m going to come out of the closet here. I was just like M in the beginning of my relationship. I was young, immature, and (most of all) insecure. I think that insecurity and immaturity are the reasons behind the need to “control” another person.
I’m happy to say that I grew up and realized that those feelings meant that something was wrong with me. We now have a relationship like yours in which we support each other’s desire for fun and adventure, even if it doesn’t include us both.
wesleyjeanne
I have seen this in many couples and it always surprises me. My husband and I both consult each other about doing things, simply out of respect for each other and our time. If I go to the movies with friends, that means he has to take care of the kids and vice versa, so it is only sensible that we talk about it. But negotiations? Permission? I am not my husband’s parent and he is not mine–we are partners. Equal partners who love and respect each other as individuals.
Jenny
I hate to admit it but I am the same way (well used to be and maybe a tiny bit still). I think now in my aged old years of 31 I would be more like you to say when is it, can we afford it and is there a conflict in schedule. But just a few short years ago I would have had a fit if my (now ex) up and left for a night without permission. But now that I think about it why would a grown man need permission to do anything? And even more puzzling is why I thought I had every right to do anything I wanted but he didnt. I think it just takes maturity and realizing that the answer to a happy relationship is not controlling them. I think that is how our relationship began to crumble. But I do think that going out with people that are not good people and are cheaters or drug addict and have bad character is a good reason to fight or say NO your not going. Obviously Ted isnt like that so she wouldnt need to worry about her husband doing bad things while with him. But if he is determined to do bad things he will find a way with or without his friends. But maybe he cheated or hangs out with morons and she has to put a leash on him so they dont end up divorced. All you can do is say I am glad I am not like that, or learn from their problems so you dont repeat them.