Ask
Why? This is a totally cruel question to ask, and I almost hate myself for it, but why? Why did my mom have to be the one to suffer and die? I don’t mean to wish this on anyone, but I have friends with parents who have been in hospitals for the last 15+ years, and relief might be a real blessing to them. Why couldn’t it be them, not my mom? My mom, who was looking forward to being healthy, to taking long walks, to going to the farmers’ market and enjoying fresh, wonderful produce. My mom, who still had so much to offer.
Why? Why isn’t Ted getting calls for the jobs he’s applied for? He has a PhD from an Ivy League college, for goodness sake. Beyond that, he has amazing teaching skills, people skills, technical skills. So why aren’t people calling and BEGGING him to come work for them?
Why? Why do my shoulders hurt so dang much lately? Could it be the first two problems, causing stress? Probably.
Part of Sunday Scribblings…check it out.
14 Comments
Don
Tough questions. No one would ever be able to give me a reason I’ll accept for the first one.
Hope the job offers start to come in though!
Karen MEG
J, this is such a tough time for you. I feel so badly I haven’t visited you frequently enough lately; I am so sad for you about your mother, she was such a special woman, that I know from your writings AND her writings.
And Ted going through a rough patch on the work front… no wonder you’re so stressed.
It’s okay to ask why.
I’m hopeful that things turn around for Ted soon … and you.
rambler
hey dont worry too much..sometimes answers find their way on their own.
V-Grrrl
about a year after I lost both my parents, my husband and I were driving on a highway and saw a cat that had been hit by a car, lifting its head in the center of the road, still alive. We rushed back to get it and drove straight to an animal emergency hospital. I held it in my lap, willing it to live.
And it died. In my arms. Before we got there.
And in the aftermath, I screamed at God, furious because I’d lost my parents with grace, I’d relinquished my parents, BOTH my parents!!!!! Couldn’t He at least answer my prayer for this little cat? One little CAT? JUST THE CAT?!!!!
So, J, I understand. Kind of. In my own way. I didn’t ask why for a long time, but the rage was there whether I looked it in the eye or not.
shelliza
I can only imagine your frustation. I’ve been there several times. Of course I’ve haven’t suffered the loss of a parent but sometimes life seems way too unfair.
These are such tough times with the jobless rate being at at a 4 year high. Hadn’t it been for a relative I’d still be looking. I’ll be finding out from my company tomorrow about openings they may have or know of. My aunt lectures at an online university so I was going to ask her as well. Try to be optimistic and hopefully something will open up for Ted. Sending positive vibes your way:)
lilalia
A wise friend of mine once told me to cross why out of our inner questioning. The answers to our whys are always vague and ever changing. He suggested concentrating on the what, how, where, and when questions. The questions can lead us forward and into concrete tasks.
I wish you and Ted much light and, most hopefully, a new job that makes Ted excited about waking each day.
Rain
It would be nice to think there were answers to everything in life. That it all made sense and someday we’d see the reasons. I am not sure it works that way. Maybe it’s just biology why one dies and not another. Some eat too much, smoke, don’t exercise, drink like fish and live to be 97 dying in bed with a shot of whiskey alongside them. Others die very young when they did it all right physically but had an aneurysm.
Wanting answers and purpose is why people go into religions as they promise those answers except do they really? I think it’s best we look for physical reasons for things and if there is more, perhaps someday we will see them. So given that and what you have told me about your mom and what she used to write–your mom died prematurely maybe because of genetics, her being overweight, diabetes and inability to exercise with her other health problems. And then was there a lack of will to add to that at least at the last. Perhaps she had reached a point that she knew it was time to go on from this physical life.
Her love for you though went beyond the physical. It came through in every single thing she wrote. She will be with you in spirit for your life and perhaps waiting there when you die to help you cross over.
Did what I just say tell you the exact truth of it? I don’t know. It’s what I have come to believe but I don’t know it. A long time back I quit trying to find the answers for many things. I just accepted they are what they are. Maybe everything we go through does have a learning purpose. Maybe it just is what it is…
One more thing and maybe I told it here before and maybe not but it’s a dream my husband had maybe 4 or 5 years ago. He saw himself entering a house but it wasn’t one he’d been in before. He was in the spirit. He saw me there and I told him to be quiet but that she knew we were there. He saw our daughter lying on a bed as an old old woman and she was clearly dying. Beside her he thought at first he saw her daughter but then realized it was her granddaughter and her daughter was the older woman also with her. So there we all were. Ones on the flesh side and ones in the spirit to help a new one cross over.
My husband is not one who is into ‘spirit’ stuff a lot but sometimes he does get dreams that are kind of amazing. It might be how it is as it’s how I have heard of it in my family when someone died. I don’t know it is how it is but it fits what I have observed.
So many people die prematurely and who knows why. I lost my cousin who was my best friend growing up when she was in her mid-20s. She got a staph infection that destroyed her heart. Why that happened, I still don’t begin to understand. Life just is what it is. I hope there is a purpose to it but I don’t know.
The main thing is to live each day fully loving what you have. Cry when you need to cry. Feel what you feel fully. We never really know how long any of us will have.
Annie
Hi – Thank you so much for your comments on my blog recently. When I arrived at this page I knew instantly I’d been here before – I commented on your blogpost about The Feminine Mistake.
I am so desperately sorry for your loss.
Linda Atkins
Perfectly reasonable questions, I think. No self-hate needed because of those, my dear. I think you do a remarkable job of finding things to like and enjoy, and you are perfectly entitled to have moments such as you describe. You are reeling from a tremendous loss, one of the two or three biggest we ever suffer, or maybe the very biggest. You’re totally right–why DOES crappy stuff happen to us and our loved ones? There’s not a thing in the world wrong with that question.
Suebob
The only answer I have been able to come up with is that life is random. It gives me an odd sort of comfort.
SleepyNIta
Your shoulders should hurt after all that. Seriously.
There is nothing tougher then feeling ripped off in the parent front (damn I have SO been there) and being bitter/sad/insert all other emotions here about it.
As far as the hubby goes, what he needs to do is put an English KitKat bar in the freezer overnight and eat it with a cold glass of skim/non-fat milk in the morning. Best treat/breakfast ever.
Gina
I am the same way, J. I wonder why sometimes I am visited by such “Job-ian” things, while others float along with not a care in the world.
For me, nothing makes me feel better about it, unfortunately. But I think that you are more mature and a better person than I am.
I hope that things turn around very soon for Ted, and that you can at least come to some peace with the loss of your mother.
J
Thanks Gina, and I doubt that I’m more mature or ‘better’. I get pretty angry at the world sometimes.
Jon Carroll
I am so so sorry about your mother. She was a frequent correspondent, and I always looked forward to her notes. My thoughts are with you.