Apparently, I’m Stressed
Seems like these last few months are taking their toll on me, and my mom’s latest setback has thrown my stress into full gear. She had a horrid reaction to the Prozac (duh), in that it made her paranoid. She thought she had been kidnapped, and that people were trying to kill her. That wouldn’t be horridly stressful, since I’ve seen this before (far too recently, with the Paxil), and I know the answer is to change the meds. Except that gosh, she hasn’t eaten more than a few bites of anything in a few months, and she isn’t motivated to get up and move like she needs to. Her body is having a hell of a time right now. So any little setback feels dangerous. And it feels like it’s all falling squarely on the shoulders of me and Kate. We have to talk to the doctors, and make sure that the meds that they’re giving her are correct. We have to let them know her past situation, and her current situation, etc. We have to figure out what will happen if she’s not well enough to go live with Kate when the Medicare runs out. Perhaps worst of all, we have to worry that we’re forgetting something important, something that could cause another setback. No pressure, though, right? Crap.
Thankfully, the Prozac is out of her system, and she’s no longer afraid that her caretakers are trying to kill her. She’s talked to Kate about what she needs to do before she is well enough for Kate to be able to care for her again. She’s getting help for the pain in her hip (sciatica, we think). Getting the hell out of the care center is a big motivator, so she’s doing her best to eat and do her physical therapy, even though she still doesn’t want to do either. So she’s on the mend. Slowly, perhaps, but on the mend.
In the meantime, I’m snapping at Maya, walking around like a ghost, and perhaps ruining our sheets. Sheets? Don’t ask. You need to know? Really? OK, well, we bought some yummy sheets last year, and they’re getting holes in them. Not just one tiny hole, but several holes. And only under me. None on Ted’s side of the bed. Right about where my arms and hands are. So what, am I scratching the sheets in my sleep? Or am I tossing and turning so much that any weak spots are getting pulled into holes? WTF? I don’t know. What I do know is that somethings gotta give. Ted says in many ways, I’m like a different person. People tell me not to worry, but how? How do I not worry, when her recovery is dependent on me paying attention to her medications, her treatments, and whether the doctors in the Alaskan hospital, the doctors in the Alaskan extended care center, the California hospital, and the California extended care center are communicating effectively? Hint, NO, they’re not. At every. single. step of the way, important information has been ignored or left behind, and several times, it has compromised her recovery. So it’s vitally important that I remember what has worked and what hasn’t thus far, and that I communicate it to the people caring for her. And, sadly enough, it’s also important that we figure out a plan B, in case she’s not ready to go home when it’s time. And just when I think I’m doing well, I’m distracted by a book or a glass of wine or whatever, the phone rings (sometimes at 11pm) with someone wanting to figure things out, and the stress level goes back up again.
So. Here’s the plan.
1. Get back into exercising. Did some Gilad yesterday afternoon, which felt great. I slept better last night than I have in quite awhile. I’ve been lazy about the exercise lately (erm, for a long lately, actually), and I need that tired feeling to help me feel healthy and strong and sleeping well.
2. Get a massage. Ted is an awesome husband, and called and set up a massage for me this evening at the wonderful spa down the street. That’s going to feel GREAT.
3. Get back into yoga. I used to have a yoga class that I loved, with a great yoga instructor, but for several bad reasons that seemed good at the time, I stopped going. I joined an online yoga studio with my same instructor, but it’s money wasted, because I think I’ve bothered to use it only 3 or 4 times in the entire 3 months I’ve had it. The class I used to take and love is in the evenings, though, and with Ted on the afternoon shift, I can’t go and leave Maya alone every week like that, so I emailed the teacher to ask her if Maya can sign up as well. That would be excellent, and I suspect she’ll say yes. (Update: She did say yes! We’ll start this coming Thursday.)
4. Talk to someone. Many friends and family members have told me that finding someone objective and uninvolved with whom to talk can be a great way to deal with excess stress. Our insurance pays for it. So I have my first appointment with a therapist this coming Tuesday. I don’t think it will be a long term process, but I am hoping that she can help me deal with whatever is making me tear up the sheets.
To tell you the truth, I feel better already. Between talking to mom and hearing her sound so much more normal (whew!), my exercise yesterday afternoon, and talking to mom’s doctor and feeling more confident about her recovery, I’m feeling a lot less ‘about to snap’ than I did two days ago. Wish me luck with the massage, the yoga, and the therapy.
20 Comments
Joan
You do have a lot on you right now. You’re human not super woman. The whole medical thing is a mess. You do have to be your mother’s advocate. It sounds like you have a good plan. I find exercising and yoga help me. I’m pretty good with knowing what the solutions are. It’s the follow through that’s my problem. Good luck.
lilalia
I can’t believe anyone would tell you not to worry at a time like this. It there is any way of making you feel more inadequate to handle the situation as it is, it would be to say stay calm. Sharks only attack if they sense fear, so, here you are in a pool of sharks and you’ve got to swim calmly… I agree with the exercise and yoga, but only if they are factors that don’t add up to more expectations. If you feel like you want to do exercise that is one thing, but to feel that you need it to help cope, is not the way to go.
ML
What you’re dealing with is very difficult and scheduling the massage, talking to a therapist, exercise, etc is really going to help you through this. That and the support of your family. Hang in there, J. I’m hoping for only good things for you and your Mom.
Cherry
Let’s all take a deep breath with and for J.
Autumn's Mom
I’m glad you are feeling a little better. It’s hard to find a balance between taking care of your mom and taking care of yourself. Both are very important. 🙂 And when you’re ready, we’ll go shopping for new yummy sheets!
Starshine
Wow. That’s a lot to deal with, especially when it is about the health of your beloved mother. That would be very stressful.
Kudos for making an appointment with a therapist. It can be so helpful just to have someone to vent to and with whom you can sort things through.
And kudos to Ted for making a massage appointment for you!
*hugs*
Jessica
Thinking of you during this time – it sounds like you are doing your best to take care of those you love and yourself at the same time (so important).
Linda Atkins
Excellent self-care plans, J. Self-care is definitely essential now, with so much on your shoulders.
jeri
massage! yoga! therapy! go! do! Self-care is critical right now. Indeed, you will feel rejuvenated, if only for short periods, while you deal with all that needs to be done. Best wishes for your mom’s recovery.
Rain
It sounds like you have a good plan and recognize your own needs. Having been in a position of making sure parents got the right care, making decision for them that they used to make for themselves but life changed and finally they couldn’t, it’s tough.
I hope your mom will soon be back to making her own choices, checking her own care, but while she can’t, she’s fortunate you are there for her. It’s fortunate also for her that you are aware you need help for you and are getting it. It’s tough to be the sandwich generation.
Being on the old end of it now, I hope it doesn’t befall my kids someday to have to do that for me, but it might. Life doesn’t deal us always what we expect no matter how we plan.
Jess
Aw J, hang in there…deep breaths…and it sounds like you’ve got some stress-management activities in the works, which is good. Take good care of yourself. We are all rooting for you and your mom.
Nance
Stress is such an insidious disease process, and we mothers/wives are so programmed to think that we must be invulnerable to virtually everything. We set ourselves up for disaster in the long run. I know just how you feel. Good luck to you, J. I am with you, and in more ways than you can know.
CuriosityKiller
I’ll be flipping out, not stressing out if that was me. I’ll be screaming at the nurses and doctors and everyone else around me – ESPECIALLY anyone trying to tell me to not worry and stress out. I’d FLIPPED. How can you not get stressed out? It’s horrible to see your own mother being dicked around by humor errors.
But good thing she is in better state. Oh J, wish I can just give you a hug and a sound-proof room to scream in. I’m so sorry.
On the bright side, sounds like your family and friends have been very very supportive. That’s the best part.
CuriosityKiller
Shit. I meant seeing your mother getting dicked around by HUMAN ERRORS.
I just lost my powerful moment, didn’t I? :p
Chrissy
Oh, J! Your poor mom! I hope things get easier for her soon. I hope YOU get some time to relieve some of that stress. It must be really exhausting. I agree that one of the most helpful things to do when wrought with stress is to talk to someone distanced/objective from whatever is stressing you. If you ever need an ear, you know you’ve got lots of bloggy friends who care for you 😉 XOXO
P.S. I find writing is very therapeutic. Just blogging or writing a massive cathartic release on paper (or on the computer) and then forgetting about it after or deleting it helps. I sometimes do that.
Chrissy
I forgot to tell you…HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!! XO
Jimmy
Gosh J
And the Mother’s Day holiday just adds to the stress because…..well……..things aren’t supposed to be like this for Mother’s Day.
I was bummed out because we were rained inside today and had a freak hail storm for Mother’s Day. Then I come here and remember what you are going through.
I’ve heard of people grinding their teeth in their sleep, but wearing holes in their sheets? That’s stress!
My advice?…trim your fingernails!!!! Made you laugh!!!!I know it!!!!!
No seriously…..you don’t need any advice. You are doing great by letting it out and sharing it with your loved ones and trying to manage a healthier lifestyle.
You’re a great daughter and a super mom!
J
Thanks everyone, for your support and kind words.
Jimmy, my friend Cherry has the same sheets I have, and her husband is wearing them out by tossing and turning, so I guess it’s tossing and turning, not my fingernails. But yes, you made me laugh! 🙂 And thanks for understanding that this Mothers Day was indeed very bittersweet. The first I have had my mom in the same state with me for 15 years, and yet…
V-Grrrl
Both my parents hit the skids regarding their health at the same time. Then on top of cancer and a stroke, they were in a serious car accident. My siblings and I were dealing with two people with complicated health issues, limited financial resources, an inability to drive, and a home located so far out in the boondocks that it was impossible to get PAID home health care of any sort. They had different health issues and were treated by entirely different medical systems located SIXTY miles apart.
My big brother and his wife carried the heaviest burden but I was “second in command” trying to help him manage finances, doctors’ appointments, care, long term planning etc. Other far-flung family members pitched in as they could. Every time one of our parents would improve or stabilize, the other one would slide and be hospitalized. We never had a moments peace. My father ended up dying on Fourth of July weekend and my mother died on Labor Day weekend of the same year.
During the 18 months that preceded their deaths, I was constantly getting sick–catching every flu, cold, and virus that circulated. I felt easily overwhelmed. When I got home from work at the end of the day, I couldn’t even open the mail because it just seemed to be too much. I had insomnia. I frequently flew off the handle. Thank goodness at this time in my life I did not have children.
So I know how hard it is to be stretched thin and overwhelmed by the emotional and physical challenges of a sick parent (or two). Hang in there. I found strength I never knew I had and cherished the kindness of those who helped me carry my burdens.
Gina
Oh J, I am so sorry that the level of stress has been so high. Which is totally understandable, given all of the details that have to be dealt with between multiple agencies.
I wish you nothing but the best for you and your mom, and hope that you can both pull out of this stressful phase soon.
Hugs!