Are you who you want to be?
My friend Cherry likes the TLC show, Shalom in the Home, and has suggested that I might like it as well. So, I plopped myself down last week to watch it. The premise is that a family that is having problems writes to the Rabbi, and he goes and stays there for a week, trying to help them figure things out. Kind of like Supernanny or One Week to Save Your Marriage. This episode was one where it was a bit more than the Rabbi could handle. It was a family trying to help their teen daughter to cope with her anorexia. If only that were something you could heal in a week, what a wonderful world we would be living in. Anyway, there were a few things that struck me in this episode.
One, he brought two of his eight children in to meet the daughter. They were his two teen girls, who go to an all girls, somewhat orthadox, Jewish school. What was interesting about that for me was that the Rabbi assumed that because these girls were getting the benefits of strong spiritual surroundings, and no pressure to look a certain way for the boys, that problems like anorexia couldn’t happen there. His daughters quickly dispelled him of that notion, there were indeed girls at the school with eating disorders. He also told of his oldest daughter, who is in school in Israel, who recently called him, sobbing, because one of her dear friends had died from anorexia. So he knew that this problem wasn’t something easily solved.
Another thing that struck me was the words he used…he said that girls today are ‘under attack’ by the culture of thinness. The need to be thin is all around, and the best we can do for them is to give them as much love and support in their lives as possible, since one of the major causes of anorexia is low self esteem. I don’t think he meant that we should pump them up with lies about how they’re the most important person on earth or anything, I just think he meant that we should make sure they know how important they are to US, that they are loved and valued.
The third thing that struck me about this episode was that the daughter really hated being known as the girl with anorexia at school. She hated that everyone knew that about her, and she wanted her life to be more than this disease. She wanted to be known for who she was, who she could be, not this one problem, no matter how serious. I could empathise with that…I mean, If I were to find out tomorrow that I had cancer, I would want the support and love of my family, but I wouldn’t want my cancer to overshadow everything else about me. I would still want to be a friend, a wife, a mother, a bloggy person, a good worker….all of these things would still be me, not just the cancer. And that’s how this girl felt, like she was nothing to most people but her disease. So Rabbi Shmuley suggested that she make her life be more than the anorexia. I don’t remember the words he used, and I really wish I did, but they were something like, “Every week, do something to make your life meaningful”. Something about bringing light and goodness into the world, though your personality and your actions. If you are consistant with that, you will be known for your kindness, your generosity, etc., and not be defined by your troubles. Powerful stuff.
And, sort of along these same lines, but sort of different, one of the stations Ted works at is talking about this “Complaint Free Movement“, which started in the Unity Church, but was featured on Oprah, and in newspapers around the country. The idea is that you try to go 21 consecutive days without complaining. (I had to put the consecutive in there, so you don’t think you can get away with one day a year for 21 years…) I think that this might be pretty valuable. There are some people, and we all know at least one, that complain SO much, they start to alienate people, they bring any party down, they gripe and gripe and gripe, and you wonder, “What would it take to make this person happy? Is it even possible?” So, you get a purple bracelet (because what kind of movement would it be without that little rubber bracelet?) and you try to go 21 days without complaining. That doesn’t mean you have to sit down and take everything without standing up for yourself, but instead of griping, perhaps you look for constructive solutions. Instead of griping about how hard it is to get your teenager out of bed, you find a solution. Instead of griping about how your boss says one thing and does another and you don’t know what to expect, you sit down and have a meeting with them, and figure it out. Instead of complaining that your spouse never does the dishes, you talk to them about it, or you offer to do the dishes if they really hate it that much, and ask if they’ll cook instead. Whatever. If you slip up, and complain, you move the bracelet to the other wrist, and start over.
What does this have to do with the girl with anorexia, you may ask? Well, they kind of fused together in my mind, because in both instances, the goal is to change the way you’re acting, change peoples’ perception of you. You work to make the world better, in whatever way you can, be it by smiling and saying hello in the hallway at school, or finding better ways to converse than complaining, or trying to find more purpose in your life, thus bringing yourself more power, more joy, more peace, less reason to hate yourself or go about griping so much that your friends and family start to hate you.
I’m not sure I’ve made anything that I’m trying to say very clear here. And I’m not sure that I want to put on a purple bracelet and quit my bitchin’, but I’m ready to consider it. I’m ready to look a bit at who I am, and who I want to be, and see how much these two people line up with each other.
14 Comments
Beenzzz
J,
Lovely post! I can’t begin to tell you how much anorexic women enfuriate me. I’ve always seen it as a weakness of sorts. They actually give others the power to control how they eat, exercise, and perceive the world. They are without any love for themselves and willingly stick themselves in a loop of dispair. I like the purple bracelet idea. It would make anyone reconsider their “I feel sorry for myself” journey and boot them in the behind to go beyond it. You’ll be amazed at how many of your readers will take the purple bracelet idea today and adopt it to themselves. The ones that need it the most though, will simply look past it or find the least important complaint they have and dwell on that. See, it’s hard to admit that your complaints are actually a sign of misery in your life. We are all afraid that if we look inward, a twisted, crumpled, monster of ourselves will be looking back.
Oh, on a side note. Those who have time to complain about their “thinness” need to be shipped off to an Indian slum and then maybe they can see just how good they have it. They at least have a choice to EAT where as the poor in other countries have no such luxury.
J
Beenzzz, I’ve had several friends growing up with Anorexia or Bullimia, and they had no more control over their eating than any other person with a mental illness can control their behaviors. Yes, they can learn to control it, but it takes a lot of time and work, and patience from those of us on the outside, looking in. Perhaps that is a weakness, not being able to control your inner demons, but it’s one that I think folks need help with, not anger.
And I hope that we can all learn a bit from the non complaining people, even if it’s just to stop and think about what we’re saying before we say it, so that we aren’t constantly suprting negativity around the world. 🙂
Beenzzz
I disagree. Why is it that it’s not prevelant in other cultures and it is in ours? How can it be a sickness that cannot be controlled when in other parts of the world it is virtually non existant? And, why is it that anorexia is a disease that is introduced to girls sometimes by their friends. I know an anorexic woman. I worked with her for years and she would go around telling everyone how much weight they needed to lose. You know what? The younger women fell for it and began “dieting.” Some of them went overboard. Explain that……It’s not a phenomenon that you can put a finger on. It has many gray areas and to say that it’s akin to bipolar disorder or schizophrenia (in a form of control) is too simple.
As for chronic complainers, I think that doing instead of saying is an important thing. Though, often, people who are saying don’t have the constitution to do. Maybe the purple bracelet idea will help them mull that over.
Ml
I briefly heard about the not complaining thing being announced on Oprah. I wanted to know more, but forgot about it entirely until now. Anyway, I was curious about it because so many of us complain constantly daily and probably don’t even realize it.
D.
Recently Anorexia has been shown to be a communicable disease. One girl shows up at some school and starts talking about it and the next thing you know it has spread through the school. There are entire websites dedicated to eating disorders as how to’s (like how do you eat cotton balls, don’t they get stuck in your throat?) For many girls it is a way of life. Any why not. Clinically Anorexia is mostly likely to occur in girls who feel left out, that they are being ignored or don’t get the kind or amount of attention they feel they deserve. Being diagnoses with an eating disorder is frequently the most positive thing that can happen to a girl. Probably the reason girls are more likely to be hospitalized with the first six months of an eating disorder diagnoses. The attention makes the condition worse. Maybe it’s time the Oprah backed off the focus on other peoples problems and let doctors and families deal with it.
Gina
I’m not sure I would know what to do with myself if I couldn’t complain! 😉
All kidding aside, I think we as a society complain a lot more than others. It would be interesting to see if I could do it, and to try and censor myself would be even more interesting. Would it be a constant effort, or not that hard? Hmmmm, I wonder.
Jason
A wonderful, thoughtful post, J. Nice work.
Starshine
I think that true change comes from the inside out. While making exterior changes can be helpful, like not complaining for 21 days, I think the harder work is looking inside and finding out what it is that makes one a complainer. Is it jealousy–wishing you had what your neighbor has? Is it contempt for your family or coworkers? Getting to the heart of the issue and dealing with that can be the much more difficult work, yet the work that reaps a harvest of lasting positive changes.
J
Excellent points, Starshine. I wonder if perhaps the not complaining is a way to start down that path toward deeper understanding of yourself and your motivations, or if perhaps it’s a straw man that we might use to distract us from reality?
Maya's Granny
Actually, anorexia exists in many cultures. The ideal of beauty in Fiji has always been more than plump. Girls tried to get fatter. There was no anorexia. And, 18 months after television was introduced to the Island, 18% of teen girls were suffering from anorexia.
In places where people are starving, eating disorders don’t take the form they do here, if they exist at all. But, once food becomes something more than survival and unnatural ideals of beauty are held up, they become epidemic. Girls do teach it to each other. But they are encouraged to adopt it by society at large. I have worked with families that were fighting this, and I have found that it is very common in girls who are in gymnastics, ballet, cheer leading, jumping, and other sports/arts where it helps to be small.
Amy
I’ve heard about the no complaining thing, and I have to admit I’m a little skeptical. Mostly because I find venting to be a very healthy way to de-stress. Then again, it’s a nice idea, and of course finding constructive ways to deal with a situation is also healthy!
As for anorexia, it IS a disease, and I think it’s much too complicated to handle on a tv show. I understand the frustration Beenz expresses, I have felt it myself with friends who are clinically depressed. Depression is a disease, too–and I’m not sure telling someone who is clinically depressed to snap out of it, or find some joy in the world, would actually help. Just like telling an anorexic to appreciate an ice cream cone wouldn’t work.
ally bean
I just think he meant that we should make sure they know how important they are to US, that they are loved and valued.
I have a friend who is incredibly smart and who has battled anorexia off and on her whole life. If there is one thing that I’ve taken away from her troubles, it is that she never felt valued as who she was (very intelligent) and so she changed herself using self denial to exhibit some control within her family. If she had felt that they cared about her, she would never of made herself so unhealthy. She knows it is wrong, but to this day when faced with stress she stops eating and starts execising like a demon. It is, for her, a coping mechanism.
Chrissy
Lovely post, J. I really enjoy reading your blog. BTW, I’ve caught a bit of one episode of “Shalom in the Home”. Quite interesting.
I have a friend who almost died of anorexia when we were teenagers. Even when she was almost skeletal (you could see all her bones jutting out from her collar/shoulders and ribs and hips), she still felt she was fat. It is such a difficult disorder to deal with and it is surprisingly (or not so surprisingly) not uncommon with many young people (and not so young people)…female and male.
Py Korry
Nice post! Eating disorders, complaining, and trying to overcome (or at least reduce) the power of each are not easy things to do. I think putting a spotlight on each issue helps to raise awareness in the short term, but I’m not sure how effective something like the complaint free world is after the fad wears off.