Separation Anxiety
This is Maya on her first day of preschool…before she realized that Ted and I were leaving…
Ms. Mamma and her Snowflake are going through one of the more painful and poignant times in early childhood…first daycare. He’s missing her terribly, crying and sad, and she’s feeling like a horrid mother, guilty and like she’s doing something that will scar him for life. I remember that time all too well with Maya.
When she was about 1, we started sending her to her Grandma’s house a couple of days a week, so Ted could work on his dissertation. Maya loved her Grandma (“Ma”), and loved going to her house…and even then, it was a difficult transition every day. Ted would drop her off, and she would cry and cling to him. Once he was gone, she was OK. When she got to be about 2, her Ma couldn’t take care of her anymore, and we had to look for a more long term solution. The Montessori that we wanted to send her to didn’t have any room until mid June. Ugh. That was MONTHS away. We asked them for a recommendation, and they told us of a local in home place where the kids they knew all seemed happy and well cared for and clean, so we gave it a try. It was horrid. Maya would cry. She would get upset when she realized that she and Ted were close to the house. When Ted told her, “You will have your snack, play, take a nap, and then Mama will come and pick you up.” Smart little thing, the next day, she asked to have her nap first thing. She wanted to get the whole dang day over with, and come home where she belonged. It got to the point where, every few days or so, Ted would tell her we were going there, and she would throw up. Not good. And the worst part of the day was always dropping her off.
Then, finally, it was June…time to move to the Montessori. We visited with her, and she LOVED it. Wanted to play on the play structure, etc. That is, until the day that we dropped her off and left. Then it was like, Oh Crap, THIS AGAIN. More crying. More throwing up in the mornings. More that feeling that you’re doing something terribly wrong, that your child should be HOME WITH YOU. And yet, what was I supposed to do? Quit my job? Not much rent gets paid that way. Was Ted supposed to quit his degree, so close to completion? Also, not a good idea. He couldn’t get any work done with her home, so the answer had to be, let her get used to it.
Those first few weeks, as she was trying to adjust, trying to be brave and make it through the day, her teachers told us that they couldn’t even make eye contact with her, or she would start crying. Her poor little face would just crumple up, and the tears would start, and she was just a mess, wanting her parents. They would just look NEAR her, and say, gently, “Maya, blah blah blah”, and she would respond, and that’s how they all dealt with it. The other thing they could.not.do. was to mention the words ‘mom’ and ‘dad’, because that would set her off as well. Oh my god, the guilt…the feeling of betraying the trust of your little one, who depends upon you SO MUCH for EVERYTHING. The feeling that if you’re mama bear, protecting your young, you suck at it, and your poor baby is going to end up on someone’s floor as a rug one day soon. UGH.
Eventually, and I do mean EVENTUALLY, she got better. It took weeks before she could be looked at in the eye. A month or two before Ted could be sure she wouldn’t vomit in the morning. It was horrid. And yet, each day was a little bit better than the last. Eventually, she stopped crying and saying, “I just want to go home now” in the mornings. Eventually, like YEARS later, she stopped hiding behind us when we went to drop her off. Slowly (not years) she made friends, and we started to see that she was indeed gaining something there, that she was getting the kind of stimulation that a working parent could not give her, the kind of stimulation that needs direct attention. She thrived.
Was it right for her? I think so. Would she have done just as well if we had been able to give her more attention during the day, and stayed home with her until she was a couple of years older? I think so. The one bit of advice I have for Ms. Mamma, one bit of experience…every time you start over at a new place, it starts over again. At least at this age. So if her little Snowflake is going to be going somewhere for childcare/preschool, at least in my experience with Maya, it’s best to stick with one place, and hope for the best. And no guilt if you have to move him once or twice to get the right fit…he’ll be OK, I promise. This is hard for both of you, but mostly, for you.
Man, I don’t envy her right now. It’s a hard time.
12 Comments
Py Korry
I read MM’s post, and it did remind me of all those years ago with Maya. It’s a tough thing to go through (for both the parents and the child), but you’re right, it gets better — but it takes a long time.
Ml
Oh no, that is a tough thing to go through for all of you. I’m glad that eventually things got better!
Gina
How adorable is that picture?
I’m sorry that everyone had to have such a rough transition.
Autumn's Mom
Thinking back on some of our own times makes me want to vomit. Actually, most of our experiences were pretty positive. We only had one daycare center that Autumn absolutely hated, and visiting there a few more times I saw why. Then we had a crazy stalker for a baby sitter. She was obsessed with my kid. I guess because she didn’t have any daughters. She freaked me out and we moved on. The Montessori school where Autumn and Maya went was by far the best experience we had. Except that time Maya was choking autumn on the playground. BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Shelliza
I was eager to return to work until I took a tour of a daycare. Even though Connor was much too young to realize that he was being left with total strangers, it tugged at my heart so for a year and half he NEVER left my side, which made the seperation anxiety worst, for both of us. The first time I had Connor in a daycare type of place was at the gym. He cried for the entire hour. I figured if we both got through that it will get better in the days to follow. By day three, he was running off once we got there. I think it’s equally difficult for the parents too. There’s that dirty word that comes with being a parent, GUILT (even when there’s nothing to feel guilty about, really).
Maya's Granny
I remember how hard that transition was for all three of you and how I just wanted to make it better somehow. Every baby is different and needs the world to be the way she needs it, and home can be. More or less.
It is really hard to be a parent these days.
Cherry
So Hard for everyone, huh?
Getting upset enough to vomit can’t be fun! But look at her now? She’s no longer the kid that hides under the table at dinner. No, now she’s the super confident young lady that enjoys being part of the conversation and even GASP! speaks in front of her class and her school, and even performs!
MsMamma
I know he’s in a good place and he’s safe, but oh! that face, that face. This morning he started to cry before we even left the house(I don’t let him see me cry over this).
I made him his own special photo book to look at when he misses me(this could work or not work). I know he’ll adjust, but he starts Montessori in the fall- a different place. I’m just taking it one moment at a time and being supportive and positive to him about it.
Jeepers, I don’t think I have ever felt so loved.
ally bean
Such a difficult time for you. Sorry.
I love the bit about Maya wanting to start with the nap. Smart kid!
Jo
This post breaks my heart. I can relate to it from the other side – – I don’t have children but I remember putting up a fight when leaving for daycare. I was young but I still remember the feeling of having to go, having to stay and watching my Mum leave. To this day, colgate tooth paste and the smell of mashed potatoes (a daycare staple)turn my tummy and bring back that sad feeling!
hellomelissa
luckily, when i had to work, i worked from home and had a nanny. it was still hard.
Camille
Hi! Found you via the Blogroll Game. My three-year-old starts preschool in the fall and I’m worried how it’s going to go. Good to see some advice. I’ll definitely be back to read more.