Richard’s Dad
There was sad news that my brother Richard’s father, Bob, passed away on Monday. The story is that at the same time that my mom contacted Dad back in 1987, she also contacted Bob about Richard. Apparently, when Bob first heard, he was excited and said, “Where are Joyce and Richard???” Tragically, before they made contact, one of his other children committed suicide, which understandably threw him into a bit of a tailspin, and they did not meet. Richard and Bob did talk on the phone a few times, exchanged letters and emails, and Richard wanted very badly to meet him, to get to know him, to perhaps have a relationship with his siblings, but Bob was never up to it.
My mom dated Bob back in the early 60s, and broke up with him when she found out she was pregnant, because Bob was into more drugs than my mom wanted around her baby.
Bob was a public figure, a musician, and wrote a book. A few years in, when Bob still had not met Richard, my Dad went to a book signing in Portland and told him who he was, what his relationship was, and said, ‘if you ever want to talk, give me a call’, and gave Bob his number. Of course he never did. Bob said something to my Dad about, “Maybe Richard will just turn up on my doorstep one day.”
Richard took that to heart, and he came to San Francisco, and he and I drove up to Bob’s house, but of course he was not home. We sat out front for a couple of hours, and of course Richard was nervous and excited and scared, but Bob didn’t come home while we were there, and eventually we left. Richard left him a note saying we had come by. They did email occasionally, like when my mom died, Richard sent him an email letting him know, and Bob wrote back and said he was very sorry.
But overall, as Richard puts it, Bob was a coward and could not manage to make any effort whatsoever where Richard was concerned. It breaks my heart that he was not man enough (human enough) to do that, for Richard, for himself, and for his other children. I love knowing my sisters, I love it so much, and he could have had that as well. I can understand Bob not being up for it when his other son died. But he wasted 32 years. He could have done something.
Of course, all of this brings up memories of my Dad jumping in his car and coming to California to meet me within a few days of my mom’s call, doing his best to fold me into his life, even though we never lived in the same town or even the same state. Richard said, “I miss your dad a lot. I doubt I will miss mine.”
I’m so glad that I had the Dad that I did. I wish Richard had been so fortunate.
8 Comments
Ally Bean
Sad story, but one you tell so well. It’s difficult to learn how little you mean to someone who you want to know, but perhaps in the end it’s been for the best. And it sounds like your brother understands that in his mind. But as for his heart… another matter I’d guess. My condolences
J
Thanks Ally. Knowing what good relationships I have with my sisters and my step mom, and had with my dad, makes it worse, wishing for what might have been. Maybe Bob would never have been as involved as my dad, even if he had known my brother from day 1. Who knows. It just hurts my heart.
Rain Trueax
Relationships can be difficult even for those who are emotionally healthy. It sounds like Bob was not and your mom made a wise choice not to try and include him in bringing up a child. Sad but it’s reality. Likely his emotional issues explain the use of drugs to try and normalize– never works.
J
Rain, I think in many ways she was indeed right. But I do wish that she hadn’t excluded our fathers entirely until we were adults, and I wish that Bob had been stronger and able to manage a relationship with Richard.
nance
What a sad story. There are truly so many Real Life Tragedies.
Some people just simply do not have it to give, the It being any part of themselves that requires effort expended to another person. I think his comment that perhaps Richard would someday show up on his doorstep was very telling. He wasn’t going to do the work to be part of Richard’s life, but if Serendipity put Richard there for an hour or two, that would be fine.
It says so much more about Bob than your brother, and I hope he knows that.
J
Thanks Nance, I agree that it says much more about Bob than Richard. The whole thing sucks hole.
OmbudsBen
Heartfelt and well said, J. I hope Richard has good people in his life, and is able to process it. If nothing else, he knows he made the effort, and that speaks volumes. I also liked what Nance wrote, about some people not having it to give. Which can be so perplexing to the rest.
Maybe the memory of lost or failed prior relationships raises regrets that intervene between generations?
J
Thanks Ben, for encouraging me to write about this, and for your words here. Richard does indeed have good people in his life, most importantly his wife Kathy.
And indeed yes, people can be perplexing in how little they might have to give.