Real Moms teach by example…
Have you noticed, when you get to know people, how sooner or later, your story comes out? Unless you’re hiding it, and sometimes, even if you are. But assuming you’re not hiding anything, your story explains to people who you are, how you got to be this person that they are talking to, how you grew and developed, what your strengths and scars are…
Part of my story isn’t really mine, it’s about my parents. I’ve told it before, but the short version is that my mother wasn’t married to my father…or my brother’s father, and they weren’t the same man. My mother was divorcing her first husband when I was conceived, and divorced (barely) by the time I was born. We lived in a homestead in Fairbanks, Alaska, with no running water, with bears and moose and sled dogs. My father protested the Viet Nam war and went to prison for participating in a freedom march into the south, working to get voters registered after hearing Dr. King speak one hot afternoon in Washington. The thing is, this is their story, not mine…and yet, it shapes me. Knowing that my mother got pregnant at 20, after dropping out of college, and that she knew right away that my brother’s father wasn’t the type of person she wanted to marry and have raise her son…that taught me lessons. That taught me to be damn careful who I found myself with, of the value of birth control. Watching her go to school at night, work hard all day, and still try to find room for two children with problems of our own, that taught me that it would certainly be EASIER to wait to have children until I was finished with my education, and to make sure that the man I was going to marry would be someone I would like to have stick around and be in my life forever. I also learned that just because your parents can’t afford to put you through college is no reason to quit, that you can do it while working. I mean, I went to school full time, and worked full time, and it wasn’t in the least bit easy…but at least I didn’t have two children, so it was certainly possible. So I learned to never give up, if there was something that I truly wanted. From my father, who went to jail numerous times, who had a felony for standing up for what he believed in, who never considered shirking from his beliefs, I learned that sometimes, there is no option but to do what is right. We must stand up for what we believe in. These things are not my story. They are my parents’ stories, but they are a part of me. And yet…
And yet, when I’m getting to know someone, and we get to that point where my story comes out, and they see me, a married mother of one, living a fairly conventional, suburban life, they often act so surprised, like they expect me to be a dope smoking, free love type hippy…and I’m not…I’m not conservative by any means, but I have found myself seeking happiness in pretty conventional ways. I remember once, in Philadelphia, telling my story, and the person looking at me, so perplexed, and she said, “But you’re so lovely….” and you could tell she meant, “how did this relatively normal person come from this crazy upbringing?” And the truth of the matter is, she was a pretty conservative, conventional type soccer mom, whose daughter had run off to follow the Grateful Dead around the country, which puzzled the hell out of her, and she was probably trying to make sense of it all somehow.
Which brings me to my point…if I am indeed ‘lovely’, it is because of, not in spite of, the lessons that I learned from my parents. Mostly my mom, for I didn’t know my father until I was 21. To me, that’s what a real mom does. She teaches her children about real life, and helps them to face it, to not be afraid of it, and hopefully, to embrace it whenever they can. She teaches them not only by her words, but also by example…by both her sucesses, and her failures. So next time you mess up, take heart…you may in fact be teaching your child not to make the same mistake. 🙂
By the way, today is Single Parents Day. All you single parents, who do the work of two, without a break when you need one, without someone to share those special moments with…I salute you. I’ve seen it first hand, and I know how hard it can be.
(This picture is of my real mom, and her real mom, too. They were both single moms, my mom for all of my childhood, my grandma for much less time, though equally difficult. )
I got the idea for this post from Scribbit, who wrote about what a real mom means to her. To read more on the “Real Moms Meme”, go to Real Mom Truths.
13 Comments
wordgirl
You know…I served on a jury back in December and part of the defense’s list of “mitigating factors” (brought out to explain his client’s eight felony convictions) was the fact that he was raised by a single mother and had no father. I countered that this woman had done a very good job of trying to raise five children alone after the husband left. She kept the family together and she worked. None of the kids had been farmed out to family members or foster care and she moved from a bad neighborhood in Missouri to Texas in order to be closer to her brother who was in the military because she thought the male influence would be better for her family. I’m not downplaying the importance of having two parents. I was just saying that while everyone was blaming the absense of the father for the sins of the son, I was saying that he still had more than a lot of kids did…a strong mother who kept the family together. It must have been a tough job and I’m sure the woman feels awful that one of her kids turned out the way he did. Parenthood isn’t for the faint of heart.
J
Word, wordgirl. There have been single parents for all of history, sometimes due to divorce, but also widowhood, etc. It’s never easy, but if were consistantly a ‘mitigating factor’ to crime, the world would be even more messed up than it already is.
Py Korry
Wonderful post, and a very nice tribute to your parents. 🙂
Michelle
I like this post because it tells me more about you (I love getting to know people) but also because it isn’t accusatory or angry. So often people blame everything on their parents. My mother was raised by alcoholics and was able to rise above it and break the cycle yet still keep a good relationship with her parents. My husband has a family of crazies that he has loved nonetheless. I think if you reject your parents for their faults you run the risk of rejecting the whole package and very few people are really pure evil. Nearly everyone has something good in their character that you can learn from. When you reject the whole package you reject the good parts too and those are the parts you can learn from. Sometimes, as you so eloquently pointed out, the mistakes are handy to learn from too. Nice writing.
Ml
I agree with Py – wonderful post and a great tribute to your parents.
I figure you choice with your experiences in life, either take it to a positive level, learn and grow from it, or take it down a negative route. Intesting which path people choose.
Maya's Granny
What a lovely thing to read as my first visit to a blog of the day! And, truthfully, what a child takes from her parents depends on the character of the child. Not all children look at their parents’ mistakes, and all parents make mistakes, and say, “well, now I don’t have to try that.”
Gina
I never fail to be completely amazed at single parents, and to admire them for having to wear so many hats.
Great post!
Liz
What a great entry! Thanks for the visit. I probably never would have read your lovely post otherwise. Nice to meet you. 🙂
Lalunas
Oh single moms day, that is a great excuse for Cake…
Your mom looks so pretty and happy. That was a cool picture. Each person is an individual, very few of us are like our parents, we pick up things here or there from them but we forge our own path in life.
I always like looking at the pictures you post.
motherofbun
This is a wonderful post. I don’t know HOW single moms do it. No idea. My hat is off to them.
It IS amazing what you learn from your parents. My mom has jokingly said, “Yes, you learned what NOT to do”. But I’ve told her, “Hey, it was still a strong, useful and positive lesson.”
Starshine
Truthful, graceful and full of love. I like how you blend all three.
Heidi
I had no idea there was such a day. This was a lovely post, written well as usual, talented girl. I keep on keepin’ on and thank you for this. It is hard.
Leta
A wonderful tribute to your parents.