Missing my Mom

January 28, 2010 /

I was brought to tears this morning by Jon Carroll’s tribute to his mother-in-law, who died last week at the age of 98.  I started crying, thinking of how sad his wife, Tracy, must be at losing her mother. (Really?  Was I really crying for Tracy, whom I do not know?  In an abstract way perhaps.  But mostly, no.  Mostly I was crying for me.)  And then I started crying harder, because I still miss my mom so very much.  I had to wonder, how is it different to lose your mother when she’s 98 than it is when she’s 66?  When she’s 98, people are pretty much expecting it, right?  Does that make it any easier?  She’s still just as gone, and there’s still just as big a hole in your heart.

12 Comments

  • D

    January 28, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Last month I read the link to your entry on your mom’s blog. It was very moving. Your having had a close relationship with your mom is a treasure, but also makes it harder, I’m sure. I haven’t dealt with that loss. I don’t know what one does with it. Thinking about you.

  • Nance

    January 28, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    I don’t think it’s an age thing. I think it’s a relationship thing. In any case, so what? You miss your mom, and I’m sorry. Take care.

  • Ted

    January 29, 2010 at 7:32 am

    I think Nance is right, about it being about relationships. You and your mom had a very close relationship, so losing her makes it hard when you read stories like Jon Carroll wrote.

  • clickmom

    January 30, 2010 at 6:35 am

    In June of ’08 lost my mom at 68 and 2 months later my grandmother (who was very much a second mother tome) at 96. I can tell you that when my mother died there was much shock and pain over the injustice of the young age at which cancer took her life. My mom would never need a facelift, she wouldn’t get old and bent over, she’d never lose her memory, or outlive her friends, she also wouldn’t get to be much of a grandmother (youngest grandkid was 7 mos old at time of death) or be there for her kids. My grandmother, got to grow old, she got to lose her memory and not be able to recognize her wrinkled face in a photograph. She suffered from arthritis and legs and foot pains, and was reduced to sitting in a wheelchair in a nursing home her last few months. Grandmother outlived her husband by 4 decades, her brother by 2 decades, her daughter by 2 months, and every friend she ever made.

    When my mother died too young our sadness was smothered with anger over the unfairness of the shortness life. When my grandmother died, we were sad and missed her terribly, yet glad she had had such a long and fulfilling run and also we were relived that she wouldn’t suffer any more.

  • Starshine

    January 30, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    I’m sorry Jules. Big hug.

    My mom’s mother has been gone for about 20 years now, and she still tells me that she misses her sometimes. They had a warm and loving relationship. Also, I think no matter how old you are, there are still just times that you want your mommy.

    Love to you, friend.

  • C

    January 31, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Oh, Julie! Big hugs! I cried when I read this post. I know people always say that with time things get easier. I’d like to think so, but I really don’t know. I know it’s not quite the same having lost a parent rather than a grandparent, but it is still hard for me dealing with my grandfather’s death.

    Sure, as the years roll by, my life has continued in its normal busy fashion, but every now and then I get hit with all these painful feelings of loss. It hasn’t gone away and it’s been 12 years. Some days it just hits like a ton of bricks and the tears just flow like crazy.

    My grandmother, even after 12 years, is struggling with the loss of my grandfather. I know that some of her kids are frustrated and keep wondering why she can’t “get over” it. This to me, is awful. How can one “get over” losing someone they love? I know their intentions are good, but everyone grieves in their own way.

    I think of you and your Mom often, Julie. Sending you hugs! xoxo

  • Jacki

    January 31, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    I’m convinced that it doesn’t get easier but we find different ways to be accepting of our new reality. I have also found that grief seems to have a way of sneaking up on me when I least expect it.

    Sending hugs and peace your way…

  • heidi

    February 8, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Jules- I’m sorry. I think about you and your mama a lot. Some days I wonder if I will always always always be alone and who really cares about me except for SF. I know SF and I have a special bond. You are so lucky to have good friends and a beautiful little family. We can accept the loss, but that doesn’t change how each one of us continues on. When you lose someone, yeah, you can remember the good times, but damn, it’s sad to carry on with out their love and support. xo