Meme Monday
My brain has been very distracted lately. In late August, my 97 1/2 year old Great Aunt fell. She lived alone, but was able to call 911, and a neighbor was able to let the paramedics in, and off she went to the hospital. She said her ribs hurt, so they did an X-Ray of her ribs, found no problems, and sent her home. They sent her home even though she could not walk without collapsing in extreme pain, and even though she lived alone. One of my cousins, K, took her back to her house, where she stayed for almost a week, until her follow up visit with her physician. At my cousin’s house, she enjoyed the hustle and bustle of a busy household, with 3 generations living together (my cousin’s daughter and her two kids live with her), people coming and going, lots of noise and fun and pampering, as everyone loves Aunt Flo. Her condition did not improve, however, and her memory is so bad that my cousin would say, ‘I am going to put the clothes in the dryer, I will be right back. DO NOT TRY TO STAND’, and then come back 3 minutes later only to have to catch her as she is falling toward the ground. Extremely worrying.
When she went to see her doctor the following week, she said that she felt fine. My cousin, C, who drove up from San Diego to see how she was doing and took her to her appointment, said, “What about your leg?” “My leg? My leg is fine.” “You can’t stand on it without pain Aunt Flo”. “Of course I can.” So the doctor asked her to stand up, and she crumpled in pain. That’s how bad her memory is. So they did an X-Ray, and it turns out that she has a fractured pelvis, that the hospital didn’t find. Frustrating. So after another day or two at Cousin K’s house, she was finally admitted to a rehab facility to get some physical therapy. While my cousin C was up north, we had a family meeting, and everyone agreed that Aunt Flo would not be moving back to the house, no more living alone. Her granddaughter has been working on getting her into an assisted living facility near her, but they don’t currently have any vacancies.
The house she has been living in is our Grandmother’s house, her sister. They lived together for the last almost 20 years of my Grandma’s life, and Grandma’s will said that she could live there as long as she wanted, as long as she paid the taxes and so on. So that’s what she’s been doing. Since my mom’s generation have all died, my cousin C and I are the trustees of the estate, and now we have to sell it. Thankfully, this is a good time to sell. So we met with a couple of realtors, picked one we liked, and started cleaning out the house.
I swear, cleaning out the house makes me want to throw away everything I own and cultivate a completely minimalist vibe. There were sympathy cards from when my Great Aunt’s husband died, in 1961. There was a device that one would use to change the direction that the antenna on top of the house faces in order to pick up different television stations. There was a rotary telephone. There were antique cameras and eleventy billion recipes that Aunt Flo was sorting through. There were treasures and trash. It was exhausting. But we went through as much as we could, and everyone brought home whatever treasures they wanted. I got 4 ceramic elephants. This one is in my front yard, and its twin is being used as a side table in our living room. There are two bigger ones that are currently staying at Ted’s parents’ house, as it is much larger than ours and has room for them. I suppose someday we will inherit them again.
Thankfully, we chose our realtor knowing we needed to clean out the house, and that we do not live locally. So the realtor helped, along with her brothers and their friends, and we got everything sorted into 3 categories. First is ‘sell’, which was only things that went to a consignment shop. Not living locally, we did not want to deal with a yard sale. Then there was ‘donate’, which was a LOT of things. And of course, ‘trash’, which was a lot more things. Now the house is on the market, and as of last night, we have 3 offers. Two are above asking price. We will give it about 12 more hours, and if no more offers come in, we will accept the best one.
Next we will have to figure out the details of how to pay the capital gains taxes, whether the estate does that or each inheriting grandchild pays their own. When I read about it, it looks to me like it is each grandchild, because the rate you pay is based on your income, but I am not positive, and I will wait to hear from an accountant about that. Luckily, our cousin J works at an accounting firm, so hopefully she will be able to get us some help on that front.
And Aunt Flo? She was discharged last week, even though she can barely walk. She has moved in with her Granddaughter D, who lives about an hour and a half from Grandma’s house. She will stay with them, because D’s husband is retired and can keep an eye on her, while the rest of us all work full time or have dogs or kids or other trip hazards. Once an opening comes available at the assisted living facility, she will move there. She is getting physical and occupational therapy, so hopefully all will work out. This end of life stuff is kind of rough.
6 Comments
nance
I very much understand all of this because of my mother. Her house and things have been about 70% purged after the death of my father because she moved in with my brother, but the storage in the knee walls and one small attic closet remain, as well as a few things in the garage. The house is currently being rented to my brother’s SO.
I’m so sorry about your dear Aunt Flo’s circumstances. Once things go downhill with a very elderly person, they do pick up speed at an alarming rate. And it’s a strange habit some older women have of not wanting to complain to their doctors; my mother is the very same. It’s so frustrating, and since I am the one who is in charge of all of her medicals, it’s an ongoing battle.
And I hear you about feeling the need to streamline, especially after having that experience, which is so overwhelming and taxing. There’s actually a method called Swedish Death Cleaning, from The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter, a book by Margareta Magnusson. I’ve thought more than once about getting it. One of the things I love most about our lakehouse is its complete lack of clutter and stuff. Our full-time home is far more decorated with doodads and things and furniture, and sometimes it feels like a lot.
I hope you soon find a good place for Aunt Flo, J. I always liked reading about your visits with her, and I know she is much loved. She deserves a safe place to live out her life, and you deserve the peace of mind that comes along with that.
J
Thank you Nance, I appreciate your kind words. Yes, Aunt Flo does deserve a safe place to live out her life, and we do love her a lot. And yeah, cleaning out a house is really hard. Every box you come across has a 50/50 chance of being trash or treasure, and you have to go through all of it. Well, most of it. We did walk away from some, and told the realtor we trust her judgement, and everything left in the house was donate or trash. She’s been a great find.
Joared
So sorry to hear about your Aunt. I do hope all continues to go as well as is possible for her. I’m surprised she would quality for Assisted Living as sounds like the skilled level would be needed, but expect that’s been considered.
I’ve always said the kindest thing an older person can do is clear out their house so their children won’t have that burden. Unfortunately, for various reasons so far, I’m not doing a very good job of practicing what I preach. I hope to rectify that but need help in my home to do so. I had hired a woman for 2 hours a day twice a week who came once, then there was a virus rage in our county, and she didn’t want to go out any more, plus I haven’t wanted to bring anyone else in since. I think I’m going to have get someone soon and just use what precautions I can and take my chances.
J
Joared, I have a feeling you may be right about the assisted living situation, and she may need a big step up in care. Which would be a lot more expensive, and perhaps will mean that for as long as it works, she will live with her granddaughter. I may be less expensive for them to care for her with help from PT and OT. I don’t have any say in any of it at this point, so I am just hoping for the best for her.
I think if you can’t get your house cleaned out as much as you would like, a good help would be to tell people what things are important to you and why, and then also give them the grace of deciding for themselves whether it is important to them or not. When my mom first died, everything that was hers was terribly important to me, whether it was my taste or not. As time has gone by, I’ve gotten more selective and let some things go. Thankfully when she moved from Alaska to California, my brother and (mostly) his wife had gone through and winnowed out most of her things anyway.
I think having someone come and help when it feels safe to do so is a fabulous idea.
Joared
Knowing that it is less expensive financially to help keep people in their home than it costs to put them in facilities this is all the more reason why some $$$ assistance to do so would seem to make more sense for Medicare than what they do now, but…… I know there would have to be some sort of oversight against those who might attempt to scam the system and exploit the person to be cared for, plus would there be aides available?
I have talked with my children about my items and what they might want. First I heard — “nothing” — as they live across the continent from me and physically taking things would be problematic. This came as no surprise since downsizing programs at local LTC communities I’ve attended say to all, “Your kids won’t want anything of yours, so be aware.” Most recently, when I brought up the subject again to one child, there has been some reconsideration, so who knows what may occur as more time passes, their situations change, and they have more time for consideration.
J
Yes, and if you add in items they may have forgotten about or never knew that were there, they may want more. When we got into the cabinets and so on, we found some pretty cool items. Maybe if people knew there was an old typewriter, or binoculars, or pink mid century vases, they would have asked for them. As it was, the cousins that were there in person (me and one other) got first pick of that kind of stuff. There were some cool items.