Mean Girl
I read on Kvetch the other day, about the pain involved in realizing that she didn’t fit in with her friends anymore when she was in Jr. High School, until she discovered that there were other kids that felt that way as well, and she could move on. When she did so, she very bravely mustered the courage to call her old friends, and tell them that she couldn’t be friends with them anymore. I wish I had been so brave.
When I was in 8th grade, I made friends with a girl who had just moved in across the street from me, M. We both loved horses, we were both a bit older than our classmates, we both had dogs. That was enough to form a fast friendship for us. We hung out together, though not much at school, because we had different classes, but we would ride the school bus together, play with our dogs together, buy candy bars at 7-11 together, that we then sold for 2x the price at school, allowing us to buy lunch in the cafeteria (SO IMPORTANT THEN! SO UNCOOL TO BRING YOUR LUNCH!). We slept at each others’ houses almost every weekend, talked on the phone, etc. etc. etc.
The only problem was, BOYS. I mean, I liked boys in that abstract, “gosh he’s cute”, kind of way. She liked boys in a very real, “I want to get my hands on him” kind of way. She always had boyfriends, and they were usually older than us. Like seniors or even older. For me, a boyfriend would be someone you might kiss, but would mostly hang out and get to know. For her, a boyfriend was someone you had sex with. I was in NO WAY ready for that in 8th grade. She was. Or she thought she was, I don’t know. I didn’t really judge her, and she didn’t judge me, and there was no pressure from her to ‘fit in’ and do it or anything. But sometimes her boyfriend would bring along a friend for me, and I could kind of tell that he thought, “um, they’re doing it, why not us?” This one guy and I started ‘going together’, which basically meant we would sit in M’s garage with her and her boyfriend, and we would kiss. We would laugh and listen to music and get in fights about stupid immature things, because we were very immature. He respected my limits, thankfully, probably because he was a virgin, too.
Then M and her boyfriend broke up. And my boyfriend and I broke up. And she wanted to get back at her boyfriend, while my boyfriend wanted to get back together with me. I didn’t want to get back together, so she slept with my boyfriend. While I was in the house. I know, ex-boyfriend. But still. When she told me about it, I was really mad, but sadly, not really surprised. She used to walk around in her nightgown in front of him before that, and it was all just very weird and not the kind of life I really wanted to be living.
Then we went to High School. We had a business class together, and she sat on one side of me, and a boy she wanted sat on the other side of me. I had nothing against the guy, but I was tired of being in the middle when she was making googly eyes at a boy. So I made sure my head was right where she couldn’t make eyes at him. That kind of stupidness went on for awhile, and she started having more problems at home, and a guy moved into the neighborhood who started encouraging us to do some drugs….and I thought, this is getting to be just TOO much. I need out.
Then I met my friend Rosemary. She had been in Santa Barbara for awhile, with a ballet company there, and had just moved back to Stockton. Her older brother was friends with my older brother at school, though I had never met them before. They were a pretty cool group to hang out with, and Rosemary and I were best friends from the minute we met. I think if we had been gay, or one of us a guy, we would have fallen in love. Which brought up a problem, because M still thought I was her best friend. And I didn’t want to be. But I also didn’t know how to deal with it. I could have talked to her, told her that I wasn’t ready to be running so headlong into adulthood, or to be playing the games she was playing. I could have gotten into a big fight with her about something. I could have said SOMETHING. But I didn’t. I stopped calling her in the morning before school. I started riding my brother’s bike instead of taking the bus. I ignored the phone when it rang (no answering machine…). And she got the message, and I went on with my life, and she with hers. But I am sure that it hurt her a lot to have me treat her that way. She started having more problems at home, and her mom kicked her out of the house. At one time, our house would have been a refuge. It wasn’t. She left, and never came back.
A few years ago, she found me through Classmates dot com, and emailed me. We talked about our lives, and how we had turned out. I told her I was sorry for dumping her the way I did. She told me she was sorry for treating me the way she did, that she never meant to hurt me, just her boyfriend. And we’re kind of friends again. The kind of friends who can email once in awhile, and say, “Hey, how’re the kids, what’s new in your life?” That kind of thing. I’m glad that we’ve forgiven each other, and that I know how her life so far is turning out. I’m glad also that I got out of our friendship when I did. I do kinda wish I had been a bit more mature about how I dealt with it, though.
13 Comments
Py Korry
Well…it WAS 8th grade, so you can cut yourself some slack. 🙂
Ml
py is right, you were just a kid! I’m glad you and M got in tough, though. Now that you’re both adults, you can handle thinks in an adult way.
Mom101
I love the ending to this story. Like Py said – you can’t regret how you behaved when you were 13. That age is made for making mistakes, which then teach us and shape us.
I’s so scary to think about 8th graders having sex. Eek. Funny, back then the girls like that always seemed fast to me. Mature. Together. But now looking back, I think a lot of them were depressed, neglected, abused. Sad really.
Ml
J, sorry about the typos…it was still early for me and the coffee just kicked in. I hope you won’t judge me too harshly 😉
Dot
I remember going through this in Junior High. There was a group of girls (one in particular that I was really good friends with) that I hung around for about 5 minutes before they decided I wasn’t cool enough. Once girl made a comment behind my back but loud enough for me to here that I wasn’t welcome anymore. I pretended not to hear her and said I was off to play sports. I remained friends with the original girl until high school when I realized that she was just verbally abusive and mentally unstable. I stood up and said I didn’t want her to be my friend anymore because she was just mean. I can feel my heart beating fast now when I think about it!
Gina
Haven’t we all at some point treated a friend in a way we regret? Especially in our younger years? I was very selfish in my dealings with people for quite a while, if memory serves me correctly.
So glad that you two found each other again and were able to move past what had happened so long ago.
Beenzzz
Well, you were just young kids when the friendship separated. I’m glad you have closure though. I had a few “friends” like that in Jr. High and High school too. I don’t know what became of them.
Maya's Granny
Of all the things we think to teach our children, how to gracefully change a relationship doesn’t seem to make the list. I wish I had known that you needed the information so I could have been some help. On the other hand, you were into the age of doing for yourself, and so you might not have welcomed it.
Cherry
When I started “going out” with my first boyfriend in high school I told my childhood friend that I didn’t want to have lunch with her anymore because I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend alone at lunch. I had hinted for a few days and then finally I said something probably very mean to make her go away. She was very hurt.
We talked about it about a month later and we were cool and slowly we learned how to have girlfriends and boyfriends at the same time. We’re still friends to this day.
Those years are so hard. Everyone is “maturing” at different speeds. Learning how to have new relationships and how to navigate and grow with them. I am still learning.
la luna
You are very lucky to meet up again after many years. This way you have an opportunity to say what you need to say and to repair what you thought was damaged.
ally bean
I hated 8th grade. I can’t imagine whatever happened to the girls I ran around with back then. It’s amazing that you found each other after all this time and that you reconciled. Life’s a pip, ain’t it?
Kvetch
It amazes me what goes on in junior high. Then and now. I think that your junior high self did the only thing you knew how to do, you ran away from the friendship. Seems like it was the smart thing to do, but it’s nice that you’ve been able to reconnect with your friend and revisit that time in your life with adult perspective.
Joy
Shy and awkward. That’s how I remember friendships at that age. Wish I’d known part of what I know now… you probably didn’t have the words to tell your friend. I’m also glad you connected with her years later. I’ve done that with some friends. It’s nice to have a better ending.