I had a dream

June 15, 2008 /

peri-loss
Art by my brother, Richard Ward.

I had a dream the other night. We decided to take my mom off of all of her meds, not just her antidepressants, and she got out of bed and was walking, walking like I haven’t seen her walk in about 25 years. Fast and with a spring in her step. She looked much younger, too…perhaps about 40 years old. She had her hair in two long red braids, and was wearing a tie-dye dress and looked so happy. Carefree and healthy and in her prime.

Then I woke up, and for the briefest second, I was truly happy for her. Then it hit me, that no matter if she were to recover, it would never be that sweet full recovery, that fountain of youth. And worse, I knew, in the pit of my stomach, that she would never recover. That this battle was too much for her, and the motivation too difficult to muster. And I almost cried from despair.

And now, it looks as though I was right. My much loved mother suffered a heart attack at around 2am this morning, and she passed away.

How I wish that cold, cruel truth were the dream, and my dream, reality.

(p.s., Ted posted a sweet story on his blog today, a glimpse of what we have lost.)

36 Comments

  • Barbara

    June 15, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Try to remember to be kind to yourself as you move through this grieving process.

    Peace!

  • Rain

    June 15, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Even knowing the spirit goes on, it’s still a hard thing to lose a parent. When my mother died, the first thought I had was now she knows what is on the other side. She has gone first where I will later go. You though got a dream to tell you what your mother has now. I believe that dream showed you what she now has retrieved what could never have been again on this earth but is in the spirit. It was a beautiful dream and preparing you. I know those who don’t believe in anything but biology won’t believe what I do about your dream, but I have seen enough by this time in my life that it’s truly why I believe you had that dream. So I feel teary for you but also joyous.

  • Crum

    June 15, 2008 at 3:15 pm

    One can never find words to make the death of a parent easier to take. A life long connection is broken and it takes time for that to sink in. As I have gone through this twice now myself, all I can say is my thoughts go out to you and your family. Remember her as you dreamt her.

    The dream thing is very interesting. My mom did something similiar when my grandfather died. And she would often call me and the first words out of her mouth would be, “What’s wrong Mike?” There is something beyond the physical that connects all of us. My mom could find it. Apparently you have that gift also.

  • debra

    June 15, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    What a beautiful dream though. I believe as the others do that your mother is now enjoying that sense of freedom and joy that you saw in your dream. May that comfort you in this time of loss.

  • Suzann

    June 15, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    Your entire family are in my thoughts – I just went to Maya’s Granny website to see if there was an update and am stunned. I left comment there – your mother will be missed by so many – her voice and perspectives were important. Losing a parent is very difficult – be gentle with yourselves as you walk the path ahead. Many are thinking of you and your family in this time.

  • Beenzzz

    June 15, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Oh, Julie,
    I am so very sorry to hear that your Mom passed away. You are all in my thoughts and I’m sending much love to you at this time. Please take care.

  • Bec

    June 15, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for keeping up updated for these so difficult last months. You and your family will be in my thoughts. – Bec, Rio de Janeiro

  • Linda Atkins

    June 15, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    Nothing one can say sounds right at a time like this. Just SAYING something doesn’t seem like enough. I want to DO something, like make that dream real, like bring your beloved mother back. I am so terribly sorry, Julie. I’m crying with you right now. How can she be gone so soon?

  • Gina

    June 15, 2008 at 8:42 pm

    Oh sweetie, I am so very, very sorry. Your mom was such an intelligent, thoughtful, wonderful woman, and I only knew her from her blog! Imagine actually knowing and loving her in real life and having to lose someone so special.

    I’ll be thinking of you and your family, and much love and support to all of you.

  • Cherry

    June 15, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    I am so sad for you tonight. I have thought of you all day, especially as I sat here with my own mother when you called and then I told my mom all about your mom and her journeys. And I told her how hard it is to hear my groovy happy friend, be so sad.

    I too feel that your mom is now able to be free of her pain, able to run and walk and dance as she wishes. She can be with all the kitties in the world and taste the sweetest fruits and spiciest foods. Remember her wit and her humor. Remember her love of reading she passed on to you and you onto Maya. Even remember the slighty sour moments too. They make the sweet ones even sweeter. Save off her blog. Her words, her thoughts. You will treasure those and Maya will too.

    Your mom raised a very wonderful daughter, with strong values, witty smarts and a very big heart. One that I know is torn apart right now.

    Hug your moon and Q very tight tonight.

  • ML

    June 16, 2008 at 5:13 am

    I am so very sorry to hear about your Mom’s passing, J. You are in my thoughts – you and your family. Take care.

  • shapelywench

    June 16, 2008 at 5:37 am

    Hugs from the other side of the world at this terribly sad time for you and yours. We will miss MG so much. Thinking of you all with love, S

  • Nance

    June 16, 2008 at 5:48 am

    J., Thank you for having the kindness to let us all know. Your mother was fortunate enough to know that you loved her so very much, and that you were doing everything you could out of that great love for her. How wonderful it must have felt to her to know this!

  • Shelliza

    June 16, 2008 at 7:30 am

    Oh J, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I do hope that wonderful memories of your mother will comfort you through this time. You’re in my thoughts ((((HUGS))).

  • Autumn's Mom

    June 16, 2008 at 8:28 am

    I hope your dream is an indication of where her spirit is now. Carefree. J and I are so sorry for your loss. Words can’t express. Love to your family honey.

  • amuirin

    June 16, 2008 at 9:12 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. So very, sorry- the world isn’t the same without the foundation of our parents. Sending prayers to you and your family.

  • Joy

    June 16, 2008 at 10:12 am

    I came from your mom’s blog a short time ago. I just can’t seem to take this information in. I’m heartbroken at your loss…at our community’s loss. Even in your last post on your mom’s blog where she wasn’t doing well….not eating, I hadn’t imagined where we are now. My heart is shattered for you, Richard and for your families. I can only tell you how sorry I am that you have lost this wonderful person in your lives…unique and beautiful. You are blessed to have had her for as long as you did. You must know how special your mom was to many of us here in the blogging community…..we won’t soon forget her. Take care Julie….bless you…

  • Lalunas

    June 16, 2008 at 10:48 am

    I believe you got a glimpse of her future. And when you close your eyes and think of her, you will see her as she is now, and you will feel happy and relieved that she she is free and healthy. We love you J and are here for you anytime.

  • V-Grrrl

    June 16, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    I know the year has brought grief upon grief. I’m sorry for all the darkness and shadows you and your family have endured, for all your mother’s suffering and the pain of witnessing it. Peace to your house and your heart.

  • Jimmy

    June 16, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    Gosh, that was a beautiful dream J.
    I’m saddened and at the same time feel so lucky to have been able to read your mom’s blog over the last year or two.
    She passed a lot of love, humor and wisdom down to you and your family, as well as her readers.
    She touched so many of us all over the world with her witty posts.
    I hope I can borrow your strength when my parent’s time comes.
    Hugs and then some J!

  • Donna

    June 16, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    Hi J,
    So sorry to hear of your Mom’s passing…but you know deep inside she’s passed onto something better. Your dream told you so.

    I lost my father the same way 10 years ago. It was quick tho, but painful just the same.

    Definitely save off her blog like Cherry said…Cherish her legacy…it lives on in you and Maya and her words and all your memories. All this will get you thru this time. It will not be easy, I know…

    Our thoughts are with you all,
    Donna, Honey, and Spencer

  • Kate

    June 16, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    I’m sure that’s where she is & how she is — liberated from the bonds of pain and depression, skipping and laughing and loving existence once again. At least I refuse to think of her in any other way.

    Love, “Aunt” Kate

    P.S. Eileen, her room mate, always thought we were sisters. I always felt like we were, which is why I’ve been appropriating the title of Auntie.

  • donna

    June 17, 2008 at 9:25 am

    So very sorry for your loss. She will be greatly missed.

    Ronni has a very nice tribute up to her at Time Goes By this morning, where I read the sad news.

    ((((HUGS))))……

  • Barbara

    June 17, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    I didn’t find the wonderful elder site soon enough to enjoy Joycelyn’s entries, but have read some of her blog today and enjoyed her take on life and aging immensely. May I be so wise, funny, and willing to share what I’ve learned on the journey whether I’m falling on my face or not.

    Go in peace, Joycelyn. Grace and peace to her beloved family.

    Barbara

  • hellomelissa

    June 17, 2008 at 5:03 pm

    i can’t understand what you are going through right now, but i think that your dream was very telling. she is free. i’m so sorry for you and ted and maya… i know how much you will miss her. all my love from north carolina…

    melissa

  • jeri

    June 17, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    Oh, I am so sad to hear this. Yet, there is something soothing in the dream you had and having it for a reason…I hope you can take comfort in that…take care of yourself and your family right now…my thoughts are with you.

  • mopsy

    June 18, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    J, dear so sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. Both ‘A’ and I send our love. Hope you and your family get through this sad period of time. Lots of love …mopsy

  • JaM

    June 18, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    Thank you so much for communicating with blog readers during this time of grieving. I appreciate your brother’s artwork – which conveys just how I feel, heart-broken in the cyberworld. I take comfort from your dream, especially Maya’s Granny wearing a tie-dyed dress. Your generous spirit reminds me of her. Thanks again, from a reader in Queensland, Australia.

  • J

    June 18, 2008 at 11:04 pm

    Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. This has been a horrid couple of days for me, but your kindness has helped to make things a bit better. At least I know I’m not alone in missing her terribly.