Friday Thoughts
I saw this sad little vase of flowers on my sad lonely walk the other morning, and it felt right to me. I feel flat and sad without Mulder. It’s been two weeks now since he died. I know that we did the right thing, but gosh, it still hurts. It is, however, getting a little less painful, a little easier. I no longer expect to see him when I come downstairs. I no longer think he will come put his chin on my knee and beg for dinner every day at 4:30, knowing that dinnertime isn’t for another 1/2 hour, but hoping against hope that I have forgotten how to tell time. I still cry, but not as much. Ted and Maya said that they thought grief therapy might help me, so I called and talked to a therapist. She said I need to grieve and let myself be sad if that’s how I feel. So I’m doing that. It’s hard. And yet. I would not trade the 7 1/2 years we had with him for not having to go through this. ‘Tis better to have loved and lost’, and all of that.
We have kind neighbors/friends/family. The plant on the left was sent by my cousin, the one I went to France with last year. The flowers in vases are by neighbors. Another neighbor baked us a cake (they are from Poland, and the cake is a sort of walnut torte, not terribly sweet, very tasty). Another gave us a marker for our yard that is very nice. Wednesday the vet’s office called to say that his ashes were there. I went and picked them up. The urn (is it still an urn if it is a wooden box?) is very nice. It has a place for a photo, and I like seeing it. His collar was in the bag with the urn, which made me cry. Seeing it empty like that.
Wow, my blog is sure a downer these days, isn’t it? In happier news, we are starting some planning for a vacation this summer. We are going to go to Alaska to see my brother, Richard, and his wife Kathy. I haven’t seen Richard since they came down for Maya’s graduation from UC Berkeley in 2018, and I haven’t seen Kathy since she was down in CA visiting her mom in 2019. Maya has been to Alaska before, but she was only 3 and doesn’t remember it. Ted hasn’t been. We’re planning on Flying to Fairbanks, which is where Richard and I lived with our mom for 5 years when we were little. I haven’t been back since. Richard and Kathy will fly up and meet us there, and we will explore for a couple of days. Then we will take the train from Fairbanks to Anchorage, which is a 12 hour ride and is supposed to be beautiful. We have to decide whether to spend time in Anchorage or not. The only time I’ve ever been there was when my mom was in the hospital, and it was February, and I didn’t have a car, and it was dark and cold and depressing. Likely it’s nicer in August, but still, I have no idea what there is to do there. From there, we will fly to Juneau, which is where Richard and Kathy live. We’ll spend several days there. I’m looking forward to it, but this first part, the figuring out flights and so on, is no fun. Once we have that sussed out, we can just enjoy ourselves and daydream and so on.
I recently listened to a book recommended by Nance, Mrs. March, by Virginia Feito. I knew nothing about the book going in, other than Nance liked it. Before I started it, I thought perhaps it was about Marmee March, from Little Women. Then as it started, I thought perhaps it was going to be like Mrs. Dalloway, which it most certainly is not. Well, I don’t think so. Here is where I admit that I haven’t read Mrs. Dalloway. I own it, I’ve intended to read it, but haven’t gotten there yet. I liked the book a lot…the plot crept up on me, I wasn’t expecting a lot of what happened. Really good.
What else…I recently re-watched all of Downton Abbey. Comfort TV at its best. I watched all 6 seasons on my PBS TV app, though we have them all on DVD. Why did I watch on the app? Who knows. Easier I guess. The picture is better when you watch the DVD though. I then watched both movies on DVD. I wonder if they’ll make any more? Not sure.
Maya wants to go see the live action Little Mermaid movie this weekend. I’m up for that. Tonight we are going to celebrate a friend’s birthday, which will be fun. This is a group of Ted’s friends he has known since high school, and there is always laughter and dancing, so it should be a good time.
Tell me something cheerful from your neck of the woods. A book or TV show or movie you’re enjoying. Weekend plans. And if there’s nothing cheerful, tell me that too. I spent a couple of hours today popping by blogs, it was nice to catch up a bit.
26 Comments
Margaret
That’s very good advice from the therapist: be sad and mourn the loss of Mulder. He deserves your grief and your love. You DO have very thoughtful friends and neighbors! When you visit Anchorage, the downtown museum is NOT to be missed. I loved the Smithsonian exhibit of all the First Nation tribes and how different they are from the south to the north. Fascinating! Also try to stop by Fire Island Rustic Bakeshop. Incredible scones and is owned by the daughter of a friend of a friend. There are also some cute shops and nice art galleries; I hope they’re still there. Anchorage is a very walkable town–laid out in an easy to navigate grid. I very much enjoyed my three trips to Alaska to visit a friend who lived in Anchorage. We also made trips to Homer and to Seward.
J
Thanks Margaret, that is good advice. Good to hear that Anchorage is walkable. Maybe I don’t need to rent a car? I love a good scone, so will be sure to check out the bake shop.
Melissa
I agree, you should let yourself feel sad. Losing a pet leaves a big space in your life. A holiday away will be good though. It sounds like a big trip. I’d like to visit Alaska sometime. We are going hiking tomorrow with friends. This afternoon I watched Persuasion on Netflix, which was just a really quiet, gentle, relaxing watch.
J
Thanks Melissa, yes, it has been really hard without Mulder. I feel like I’m doing fine, and then suddenly the tears come out of nowhere. Very close to the surface. Sigh.
Yes, the Alaska trip will be a big deal. We’re starting to get excited, which with all of the stress of a dog with a terminal illness, we weren’t really able to do before.
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
It’s so hard when a pet dies. Nothing really makes it easier except time plus the memories of all of the love.
Ugh physical media! I’ve ripped most of my DVDs to my computer and I’m at the point where I’ll spend a few bucks to rent something on Amazon rather than get the DVD from the library for free. I loved Downton Abbey though I never saw the movies. It’s been so long that I’d have to rewatch the show.
J
The good thing about rewatching the show is that it’s so darned good. I would say in general that the show is better than the movies, but just being back in that world was lovely for us. Well, me, I watched a lot of it when Ted and Maya were doing other things.
Ally Bean
Something cheerful? Well it’s been a tedious week but we did start watching Frankie Drake mysteries and while not the best TV show ever it is entertaining. Plus the costumes are gorgeous. I was meant to be a flapper, I just sense it.
J
Ally, I totally get the flapper vibe. Cocktails and headbands and lots of dancing.
San
It’s so normal that you’re not “over” Mulder after two weeks – you’ll likely never be. So sitting with the feelings is probably good advice, even though it’s painful. Maybe it’ll help if you try to remember a fun or silly moment with Mulder, when the pain hits too hard? Give yourself soem grace.
I am excited for your trip to Alaska. I’d love to go some time. It sounds like you have a great trip with family visit and a bit of a walk down memory lane.
J
Thank you San, yeah, none of us are ‘over’ him, nor will we ever be. I still miss my childhood dog sometimes.
Alaska is so beautiful, I’m glad for an excuse to go. But it’s expensive to get there and be there, so we don’t make it as we should. I’m glad we’re going this time.
Elisabeth
Mulder was such a special dog and member of your family. My favourite quote about grief: there is no expiration date. I think sometimes we feel like we need to force healing but, truth is, any and all grief leaves a mark. It can be hard to lean into pain and honour it, but it speaks to how deeply you all loved Mulder.
I read Nora Ephron’s I Feel Bad About My Neck and loved it. Essays are just…my fav! It’s not necessarily cheerful, but I smiled a lot.
I LOVED Downtown A for the first few seasons and then got burned out on it (and never finished the show). I should go back and rewatch it – and I’ve never seen the movies!
J
Elisabeth, in some ways I feel like the first seasons of DA are the best. But I do love them all, I hope you go back and rewatch at some point.
I like your quote. Yes, grief comes and goes, and can last a long time. I know you’re not a pet person, I appreciate your understanding about Mulder.
Nicole MacPherson
I think it’s so important in the grieving process to just be sad. Fighting our feelings never helps. After Barkley died I just spent a lot of time in the backyard just kind of staring off into space, and I always did feel better after I did that. I still miss him eleven months later, but it’s so much easier than it was.
I love Downton Abbey! It was just such a good show. I watched it with my boys when they were younger and you are right, it is comfort TV at its best.
J
Thanks Nicole,
You are right, I need to not fight my feelings. Sigh.
Heidi
Jules- I am so sorry about sweet Mulder. It’s always the worst part. They’re the ones that lend the ear and give support when you feel low. He won the lottery with you guys and he will always be in your heart. xoxo
J
Thanks Heidi,
We miss him so much. I’m feeling stronger and don’t cry as much, but I confess to looking for him still. Today I was taking my morning walk and a sweet dog kissed my hand as I was walking by. Started me crying for sure. Sigh.
NGS
Losing a pet is so very hard. You spend so much time with them and it does leave a hole in your life. I hope you do take your therapist’s advice and leave yourself time and space to mourn.
Cheerful news! I went back to my hometown over the weekend to go to a graduation party of one of my high school friend’s son and I get to go back next weekend for another graduation party and see my friends AGAIN! It’s so fun to celebrate the young ones making in through high school and hang out with some of my favorite people.
J
NGS, that sounds like fun! And how wonderful to have it to look forward to again next weekend.
Lisa of Lisa's Yarns
Don’t ever feel like you need to apologize for being sad on your blog. Losing a beloved family member is so very hard. You don’t need to put on a strong face for us!
The AK trip sounds fun! I have never been to AK before but would love to go someday. And how cool to travel with your daughter, too!
J
Thanks Lisa, it’s a good thing, because my face isn’t strong right now.
Yes, our Alaska trip should be fun. I’m looking forward to it! The southeast part of AK is stunning.
nance
I’m glad you saw a therapist who could listen and validate your feelings. Grief is ugly and difficult; it’s sneaky and tiring.
But what’s that wonderful Winnie the Pooh quote? “How lucky I am to have [had] something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” That’s why your grief is so intense. It’s perfectly reasonable.
Your trip to Alaska sounds like a great opportunity to reconnect with family and your old home. I remember how awed I was when I visited over 15 years ago. There’s no place like this, I said to myself. I hope no one spoils it all. I’m glad you’re going back and can’t wait to hear about it.
Take care and be patient and kind to yourself–as much as you are with others. XO
J
Thank you Nance, and thank you for that quote. It’s perfect.
Jenny
Oh, Mulder. I’ve only been reading your blog since November but I feel like I knew him. You had so many great posts about him, and beautiful pictures. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to make it easier- you just have to feel sad as long as it takes. Eventually the grief gets less sharp- which you know. You’ll probably always have moments of sadness when you think about him, but eventually you get used to it. You don’t get over it, but you get used to it.
Thinking about you! Hang in there.
J
Thanks Jenny, for your kindness. Because of his illness, I wrote about him more in the last months of his life than I had before, though he was certainly a popular topic on my blog. He had such a sweet and goofy personality, so blogging about him was easy and happy.
I’ve lost people and pets before, so I know how difficult it is, and that the only cure is time. This one was different in a way…because he had lymphoma, and didn’t live to be an ‘old man dog’, like we wanted. It felt very different than dealing with an aging dog. In a way it was easier, because it was very clear to us when to let him go, that he was not going to have good days and bad days, like you get with an old dog. He was just going to get worse. It was shocking how fast he got worse. Monday we went for a 3 mile walk, and by Friday afternoon he was gone.
Stephany
It’s so hard, isn’t it? And we want it to be easier, but grief is not at all. I still miss my beloved doggo Dutch who died in 2018. He was such a part of my soul, and losing him was devastating. I think you should definitely feel all of your feelings, and if coming to this blog and talking about your grief process helps, please come here as often as you need to. We’ll be here to listen. <3
J
Thank you Stephany, your comment made me tear up. You’re right, grief is not easy at all. Sigh.