Focus on What You Can Change
In April of 2020, my darling friend Marilee and I were commiserating about the stress of the world. About how suddenly fraught it felt to get groceries. How isolating to be trapped at home. Marilee and her husband Paul have a business, Spotlight Sojourns, which requires them to spend a lot of time traveling around the world. No travel, no leaving the house, was stressful. Paul made the Venn diagram above, and Marilee shared it with me.
I was reminded of Paul’s diagram by Anne’s recent post, where she shared a quote that I liked a lot:
“Caring about everything is a disaster. Caring about nothing is also a disaster. Nurture the small pocket of things that truly matter to you.” ~ James Clear
Is there a subtle difference between Paul’s advice and Clear’s quote? There are things that matter to us, perhaps a lot, but over which we have no control. We can still care about them, but might we lessen our anxiety by understanding that we cannot change it, and letting some of that go? Yesterday’s yoga practice was ‘Yoga for Anxiety and Stress’, which I found fitting for the day before the inauguration. Toward the end of the practice, Adriene said something about ‘surrendering to that which we cannot change.’ I’ve thought a lot about the term ‘Surrender’. I made it my word of the year once, though I failed miserably. The thing is, it’s not a call to surrender and give up. Instead, I think it is a call to accept that you cannot change it, and let that fact go. I struggled to surrender to the fact that my parents were dead, because it felt like accepting the fact of it meant that I was OK with it. It doesn’t. It doesn’t mean that you are OK with the loss, it just means that you can understand that it is real. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, other than that this is a concept that I really struggle with. I’m working on it.
Back to the inauguration. (Another small aside to complain bitterly about how fitting and wonderful it would have been to have Harris’ inauguration on the day we commemorate the work of Martin Luther King Jr., and how SHITTY it is to have Trump’s on this day. SHITTY.) I don’t want to go back to the stress that I felt during Trump’s first presidency. I don’t want to go back to feeling like the world is on fire. (Let’s ignore the fact that it may very well be on fire, that for many people Trump becoming President will throw fuel on the flames.) Obviously I care about the world in which I live, about my government and my country. But I cannot stop Trump from becoming President. I tried. I voted, I wrote letters to voters in swing states. He still won. What, then, can I control? Where can I focus my energy? I can vote, in every election. I can write letters to officials and to potential voters and try to effect the change I want to see in my community, in my neighborhood, and in my state. I can try to help elect people who share my values and concerns in other communities, neighborhoods and states. I can donate and volunteer for causes that work towards justice and a kinder world. These are the things that I can do. I can also take care of my mental health, by practicing yoga, by not doom scrolling the news, by taking a daily walk and getting fresh air and sunshine. By eating nutritious food and enjoying my family and friends. By reading good books and visiting your blogs. By coming here and sharing my thoughts with you.
Speaking of very small, very local change. Long time readers know that a big apartment building, 286 units I think, recently replaced the 5 dilapidated single family homes on our small dead-end street. This has caused the predicted traffic and parking issues, one of which is that there is an area in front of the building that is zoned for passenger drop off and pick up, but people park there all day, sometimes for multiple days. This is a problem because then when Uber eats or a ride share or whatever comes to drop off/pick up, the spot that should be available for them is not, and so they end up double parking or parking in our driveway, which means we have to go around them, sometimes blindly, and the road isn’t big enough for that, and a couple of head on collisions have been narrowly avoided. A while ago, I asked a Sheriff’s deputy who was here how we could get help with this. He said that he really couldn’t ticket the people parked there, because there was no sign giving a time limit. He suggested that we might have luck writing to our dept. of Public Works. Which I did. I sent pictures, and explained the situation and asked for their help. I didn’t hear anything from them, and in the past when I have contacted them with other issues, they have gotten back to me. So I found an old email with a person’s name and email address, and forwarded my original email to that person, asking whether anyone had seen it or not. This time I did receive a reply, saying that they would look into it. Fast forward several months, and last week, a sign was posted saying ‘5 minute parking’. The other day, Ted and I were walking and saw that the cars that were parked there were the same ones that had been there when we left an hour earlier, and we went inside to talk to the leasing agent. She said that it is against their policy to enforce the regulation on the public road, but we were free to call the sheriff on our own. Frustrating, I don’t want to be the person to always deal with this stuff, though I have several times. ANYWAY, yesterday we were returning from our walk and there was a deputy ticketing the cars that had been there for hours! YAY! There is hope in sight! Small victories.
How about you? Any small victories in your life lately? Are you stressed out about the direction so much of the world is going? How are you choosing to handle that stress? How will you resist the regime, while not giving up the joy that is still very much there?
47 Comments
Nicole MacPherson
J, I love what you have to say. I agree with you on surrender – some things you just can’t change. In 2020 I thought of the serenity prayer basically every day. Courage to change what you can but the serenity to accept those we can’t change. That doesn’t mean it’s okay! But it means that we can put our focus where we can change things. I just love everything about this post, J, thank you. xo
J
Nicole, I agree, we have to have the courage to change what we can, especially when it is difficult. I’m so sad that it has come to this.
Lisa’s Yarns
I need to be reminded of this idea of surrendering to things. I kind of reminds me of something I discussed when I was last in therapy called radical acceptance. The idea is to accept things so you can move on or let go of that weight, but accepting them doesn’t mean that what happened is OK. It’s hard to explain the concept and even harder to implement.
Part of me wants to act like a defiant toddler and cross her arms and say: well this is what you wanted to all the people who voted for him, many of which voted against their best interests.
J
i have those feelings too, “YOU BREAK IT, YOU BOUGHT IT”, and if only the people who voted for him would suffer it would be easier.
Yes, letting go of the weight of it all, that is what I mean. I’m not sold on the term Surrender, but it always strikes me.
Elisabeth
You always have the BEST graphics (I feel like a picture can often say 1,000 words). So often I try to control everything – including things that don’t matter.
Thinking of you today; I realize it’s a rough one in the US.
J
Thanks Elisabeth. It’s been mostly lovely today, because I’ve been ignoring all of it with my fingers in my ears.
Michelle G.
This was just the post I needed to read this morning, so thank you for that. Dave Chappelle said something quite brilliant on SNL – “The presidency is no place for petty people, so D.T. — I know you watch the show — man, remember, whether people voted for you or not, they’re all counting on you; whether they like you or not, they’re all counting on you. The whole world is counting on you.” I sure hope he did hear that.
And good for you for pushing for a small change that affects you and other people positively! Little things do make a difference!
J
Wouldn’t that be nice if he listened to the skit? And I AM happy about the parking situation.
Maya
I so needed to read this post today, Julie… From the diagram to the quotes, to your thoughts about today…
We’ll get through this. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, so it does make sense to pace ourselves. XO
J
Thank you Maya. Yes, we need to pace ourselves, we have our work cut out for us for sure.
AC
The Venn diagram and the Clear quote make a nice pair. It is easier to contemplte than do, but we can try. It is difficult to stay off the news, but I will try for at least the remainder of this day. This afternoon’s root canal gives me enough to be anxious about today.
Ernie
Love the diagram too. What a great image. I should hang that on my bathroom mirror. I like your suggestion to make small changes, and look at you making things happen. That parking thing sounds like a clear danger. I’m glad there were finally tickets issued.
Coach and I are trying to get the little girls to make good choices, trust us, know themselves, have self confidence, etc. These are gradual changes, and they are mostly happening under our roof. But that is where our focus lies right now. The world’s problems are daunting. But my stress level mostly revolves around our small corner of the world.
You share wise words here. I so appreciate your message.
J
Ernie, your focus is where it should be, and the messages fit even small local issues. I cannot control whether people park illegally, right? But I can write to the county and explain the situation and hope they will do the right thing. Happy about that.
J
I hope your root canal went well. That’s no fun, but glad when it’s over.
Ted
As you told me yesterday, you’d like to take some credit for the parking issue win. I said, “Take it all! It was all you!” I was very pleased that the Sheriff’s Deputy was so receptive to our issues when we spoke to him. There was a sense of “Well, finally!” when we came home and saw those vehicles with parking tickets.
As far as the bigger things go, I’ve been thinking about how we defend and grow what previous generations were able to fight for and enact since 1964-65. A lot of it means getting out of our comfort zones, and doing atypical things that are different from the old techniques.
The other part is opposing the tech bro “Let’s really hijack the brains of the plebeians” efforts . That means making a choice on whether you keep giving these companies so much valuable data for free so you can stay connected to your friends, or realizing that your connections to your family and friends don’t have to be mediated through Meta or X or TikTok or…pick your social media platform.
J
Yes, we’re going to have to figure out different ways to effect the change we want to see, because this clearly isn’t working. 🙁
Noemi
This is a lovely post about some hard, complicated, awful shit. The world is burning and this administration is going to throw fuel on those fires (and start so many more), and we also can’t make ourselves crazy about what we can’t change. It’s a really hard place to be and I have no idea how to be there. But I appreciate people (like you) who are thinking about it and sharing their perspective. It helps me to not stick my head in the sand quite so deep. I need to get involved in some local causes, tangible and real issues that affect people where I live and work. Thank you for the reminder. (And I love that you did something about that parking nightmare. That would have driven me insane but I’m not sure I would have known how to do something about it. I love that you took those steps and saw how it made a difference!)
J
Thanks Noemi, I didn’t know what to do at first either. I called the Sheriff’s office (we live in an unincorporated corner, so it’s not the city police that we call) when someone was parked in a red zone, blocking the view of traffic, and happened to be there when he came, and he suggested the Dept of Public Works.
nance
Oh, Julie. You really are the best. This is exactly how I feel and truly what I wanted/needed to read today. I still chafe at the word Surrender; I prefer the term Letting Go. Do they mean the same thing as you explained them? Yes, yes they do. But being a Word Nerd, the context is everything to me in this case.
I’m so pleased that you had your Parking Place Victory! I had a similar one just this past week! You’ve inspired me to write a post about it, so I won’t share about it here and now. But you continue to inspire me and make me so very, very glad that we are friends.
I hope with all my heart that we get a chance to spend time together in person again. Thanks for this post and for the companionship of your heart.
J
Nance, I agree with you on the word Surrender. I am trying to be better about letting go of things that I cannot change, while clinging to the power to change the things I can. The word always comes at me via yoga, it’s perhaps a translation that means something subtly different. Or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it means Surrender (which feels to me like giving up, rather than letting go).
I look forward to reading about your local victory, and I too would love to spend time together in person again! I have such fond memories of our day in San Francisco.
Margaret
I like your theme of surrendering to that which we cannot change and focusing on small victories or actions that we can control. To be honest, I’m having a tough time with it. I’m still distraught and disappointed that so many Americans voted for Trump when it was blatantly obvious (to those not brainwashed by Fox) that he was unfit and dangerous.
J
Oh Margaret, me too. I can be happy and cheerful when I ignore it all, but when I start thinking about it, I get angry. I don’t want these to be my options. I need to pay attention to what is going on, and I need to not be angry all of the time.
Daria
The best graphic.
Acceptance is key right now, for me. Today, especially, on MLK day and the inauguration. Yes, I am stressed over the shitty direction the world is/has been going. I am not handling the stress. Or, maybe I do.. I meditate, I do yoga. I journal. I remind myself that I am still here and I am healthy.
Small victories, not really, it’s been a quiet month, which is welcome after the holidays. Maybe victories with my students. Or good lessons. Or a good podcast. Or a friend visiting with her kids. Blogging community.
J
I think you’re doing great with coping, Daria! Yoga, meditating, time spent with friends and family. These are all ways to shore up your strength.
NGS
I’m not as enlightened as you, friend. I’m finding today very hard and feeling guilty that I didn’t do more to stop this. And what would MLK think if he could see what was happening today? What would his speech be like? And who would listen?
I should shake it off and focus on what I can control, but right now that tiny slice of the pie seems diminishingly small.
J
I share those feelings, and am still not sure what else I could have done. I could have written more letters perhaps. If I had made phone calls, would that have changed anything? I tried that in 2016, and it was disheartening, no one answers their phone, no one wants to talk to you (which is fair, I don’t answer calls from unknown numbers either.) But it makes you wonder how effective it can possibly be.
Melissa
Yes to all of this. I love that you saw a problem in your immediate area and did something about it. I think even when there are only small things we can do to build the kind of world we want to see, it’s worth persevering, whether it’s in our very small circle or giving to organisations that support people who are going to be hurt the most while trying to limit our support for those making the biggest mess. I got off twitter before it became X but I need to work out what to do with my meta usage.
J
Thanks Melissa. Yes, I’m trying to figure out Meta as well. I volunteer with a couple of groups who do most of their communicating on FB, and I really do enjoy the interaction I have with acquantences there as well. True friends I am in contact elsewhere, but that larger group…I like the glimpses that I get into their lives.
Kyria @ Travel Spot
Reading about your parking thing makes me grumble. I had neighbors who would actually park in front of my driveway and one time I came home on Thanksgiving and because people were having dinners at their houses, and had guests, my entire street was packed with cars, including one parked in front of my driveway. I refuse to park like two blocks away when I have a perfectly good driveway and I actually started knocking on doors to find out whose car it was. I was not happy. Of course, nobody admitted it, and I ended up parking two blocks away, but I know it was my next door neighbor, because their friends always parked in front of my driveway and over the years I had to ask them to move cars SEVERAL TIMES. WTF. I actually did look into whether or not I could get in touch with the police, but in Oakland, my neighborhood parking issues is not high on their priority list. PS this same neighbor had to paint their house and needed use of my driveway, which I gave, but then they subsequently chopped down part of my tree, after I SPECIFICALLY asked them to not chop off too much of it. Grr. Haha! So, I guess going back to the things I should worry about, there are still some that I need to work on!
J
Grrr. We had a neighbor like that when we lived in San Francisco, and we always had him towed. Not sure if you can easily still do that, but in the late 80s you could.
Diane
I am so excited for your success with the 5 minute parking sign.
I mean I guess that’s it, right? You can’t make life better for the country, but you can make it better for your street. (Except for the poor sod who got the ticket, but really they should know better and not be a parking jerk.)
Being fortunate enough to live in a blue county in a blue state, I feel like I have a luxury of watching with a sense of detachment the stuff that’s going on ten miles down the road from me in the White House. Four years can be a long time, but it can also be a short time. Sometimes I think of these times we live in – from Obama to Trump the first time, to COVID to Biden to this past election cycle to Trump the second time and I can’t help be to be breathless from the sheer bizarre drama of it all, this sense that we are living in a time that surely surely will be noted in history. Do people always feel like that? That they are living in a chapter in the history books?
J
Diane, regarding the parking jerk, yeah, I used to live in San Francisco, and parking there was such a premium, I was at first hesitant to do anything about the illegal parking…but it’s clear that it’s causing dangerous situations, especially with delivery people who are in a huge hurry double parking, and we only have one lane each way. There is neighborhood parking here though, not like SF. They might have to walk a block.
I also am relatively safe, living in the liberal Bay Area, blue area of a blue state. That is a luxury for sure. I do fear that not only are our brothers and sisters in other states not afforded the same luxury, but also the old proverb of ‘they came for me, and no one was here’ or however it goes. SIGH. I really think these are times for the history books, and the world must get whiplash watching our politics. Though a lot of countries are going through the same scary shit right now, right? UGH.
Sarah
Yay on the parking!!! I love that!
I am trying SO HARD not to get sucked into the anger vortext– it’s all outrageous, but I have to be selective with y outrage.
We have a supreme court election coming up and a one-seat liberal majority– so I am back to phone banking and knocking doors
Sarah
Lol vortex, obvs
J
Thank you for doing the phone banking and knocking, Sarah! I hope you keep your majority. I also get sucked pretty quickly into the anger vortex. (I like vortext too – LOL)
Jenny
GREAT post. I’ve been struggling with the direction our country is going in (I mean… obviously…) and my solution for now has been to bury my head in the sand. I just can’t hear any news at all and I avoided any news about the inauguration completely. And yes- I did wake up on Monday thinking how absolutely jubilant I would have been if this were Harris’s inauguration, but then I put that thought out of my mind because it was just too painful. I guess I need time to grieve the fact that this country is not what I thought it was- but you’re right, we still have to take action on the things we can control.
J
Yeah, I’m going back and forth between anger/rage/despair. Trying to focus on what I can control, and when I can’t, there’s always chicken soup. (Or veggie soup)
Stephany
I appreciate this post so much. I am struggling a lot and I don’t know how we’re going to make it through these next four years. I’m just so ANGRY that the bad guys won and they get to celebrate and make stupid policies and hurt our country. I know I need to channel my anger into something productive, but right now, I’m just stewing.
Way to go on the parking situation! Man, it would feel SO GOOD to see those cars get ticketed, haha. I’m petty like that!
J
Well, I’m saying these things, but I’m also where you are. I’m trying to motivate myself out of rage!
Ally Bean
I agree with your analysis of our current situation and your conclusion that we need to be extra careful about our well-being. My approach has been to only read the news, never watch it, and to not follow anyone who is an extremist about US politics. It’s the middle that is going to hold us together, said with a hat tip to Yeats’s The Widening Gyre.
J
I’ve been thinking about that poem a lot. It has a lot of warnings for us, doesn’t it?
I agree, I only read the news, though I do listen to some NPR. I don’t read it all day. I get caught up and then move on. IT’S NOT EASY.
San
Uff. Monday (and this whole week) have been so hard. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, Julie. I am struggling this week (and I don’t see this to get any better any time soon). It’s going to be a long four years… and I appreciate that you’re saying that we have to focus on the things we can do. I am trying to find out what that is.
J
That’s the next phase, right? We need to pace ourselves, this is a marathon not a sprint, as I keep hearing. And it won’t go away when Trump is done. This is a dark underside to the world we live in, all countries, all of the time. So, what can we do? We can write letters, but to whome? About what? We can give money, but to whom? For what? These are the things I’m figuring out. Money is ACLU for local (meaning US) politics. Our local food bank and Meals on Wheels. Letters I need to research. Maybe I write my local politicians and say what is important to me, encourage them to fight for these things.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
Yes, lets focus on the things we can change. The kindness we bring to the world. Small steps. Small things. They can spread. I know this to be true we just need to seed it. And if we are starting from different areas and places in the city, country world we “attack” on multiple fronts.
A small vitory you ask. I have been friendly towards people in the bus even though I am tired. I asked if they wanted my seat (they said no) but instead we chatted a bit and just had some human interaction in the see of phone people. Is that a victory?
My church grou is currently preparing a church service we will hold. Our topic is awakening and we will dicsuss and find snippets of ideas on how to handle all the harships life holds including political and social issues. It is hard. And even if no one is taking anything from our one hour attempt we as a group had good discussions and thought about it. Maybe that is a small vitory?
J
Hmmm. I think I would consider it more of a victory if you had to fight to do these things. A victory is winning a battle, after all. However, one could consider these things that you are doing as victories of light over darkness, which are VERY much needed right now. And I really like your point about the attack coming from multiple fronts! We are lighting our candles against the darkness, and combining them, even though we are far apart. Thank you for that.
Susanna Holstein
Hi there, popping over from Nance’s blog, where she recommended your post. You have said exactly how I feel in this present moment. Frustrated, but not helpless, angry but not hopeless.
What have I done to feel better? A friend is posting a monthly challenge to do one thing to make this world better. This month, she challenged people to donate to food pantries so I have done that. I also donated to an artist friend to help them get an e- bike which will greatly help them in their daily life and mental state. Two small things. Against the great wrongs being done to immigrants not much. But two things I could do.
J
Thank you for dropping by with your message of hope! And the two small things you have done will not feel small to those that they help.