Dear Mom

April 23, 2010 /

Dear Mom,

First of all, Happy Birthday. You would have been 68 today, and probably would have gone to Stockton to celebrate with Grandma and Aunt Flo (whose birthday it is today as well, she’s 86). Maybe you’d have fried chicken and angel food cake, or maybe you’d go out somewhere. I would have come to see you at Kate’s house this weekend, and we would have celebrated somehow. Maybe with a pedicure for the changing weather.

I think about you all of the time, though I don’t cry as much as I used to. Which is good, because Maya had a hard time with that, and would feel guilty for starting me off. She didn’t understand, completely, that crying helps, and that it didn’t upset me to cry all the time, if that can make any sense at all. But now we can talk about you sometimes without me starting up, and that’s easier. But I still miss you horribly, and I’ll admit that I’m crying a lot today as I write this.

Because I still need you, and you’re not here. This has been a hard year in many ways, and I could have used your love and support and advice. And this has been a good year in many ways, and I would have loved to share that part with you, to laugh and hug over the triumphs and joys. I’ve tried talking to you, and sometimes it helps, but mostly, it just makes me cry all over again. I’m tired of crying, no matter what I said up there about it helping.

And I hate what you’re missing. I see wisteria vines in bloom everywhere, and I know Kate has them on her back porch, and I know how much you loved them, and that they always reminded you of your time in Modesto with Aunt Julia. And you’re not here to see them. I read books that I know you would have loved, and it makes me sad, because you never will. I see books that don’t really interest me, but I just KNOW you would have eaten them up with a spoon, and I would have enjoyed buying them as a gift for you, but now, I have no one to buy them for. I laugh like crazy at Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, and I would have liked to do that with you. And I can’t.

Maya's Spring Photo, 8th Grade

And Maya…gosh, Mom, she’s 14 now. Look at that smile. She’s growing up right in front of us, and you’re not here. She’s going to High School in the fall, and she’s going to be on the Cheer Leading Team. She’s SO happy about that. She’s doing well in school, and has a lot of friends. Ted’s taking her to see her favorite band, Paramore, this fall. She’s doing volleyball and has started babysitting. She wears eyeliner and lip gloss and wants to get her ear pierced a second time. Remember how unhappy you were with me when I did that? And how it turned out OK, and no one thought I was disreputable or unhireable because of it? Oh mom, I wish you were here to see this. I hate that you’re missing this. I’d love to share it all with you.

I’m glad you’re not suffering. I’m glad you’re not in pain. But I miss you every damn day.

I love you,

~ J

14 Comments

  • Autumn's Mom

    April 23, 2010 at 7:28 am

    That was beautiful. You are missing her..but I truly believe that she sees you and everything happening. And she’s smiling 🙂

  • Linda Atkins

    April 23, 2010 at 8:56 am

    I’m so sorry, too, that your mom isn’t here, J.

    (I have dreaded losing my mother forever. She is alive now, but of course won’t always be. Reading your blog is one of the things that makes me think I might possibly survive that loss when it happens.)

  • Nance

    April 23, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Oh,J. I know. But I did laugh about how you got your ear double-pierced and weren’t disreputable or unhireable. Oh my! I bet you did, too, when you wrote it and every time you think of it–and when you told Maya that story, too. (My dad–he’s been gone 10 years now–refused to let me get my ears pierced, period. When I turned 18 and no longer needed his permission, I actually got him to drive me to the mall to get it done. He didn’t know that’s why I was going, but that’s what I ended up doing! LOL)

  • Nadine Saacks

    April 23, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    What a beautiful letter. Brought tears to my eyes. How stunning does Maya look so grown up.
    Miss you so much and the fun times we had with our babies x

  • L.

    April 24, 2010 at 3:59 am

    Aw………

    My late grandmother’s is this month, too, and I used to compose letters like this one in my head every year (in the days before I had a blog).

    Then I scheduled the c-section for our youngest on her birthday. That helps!

  • C

    April 27, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Oh, Julie!!! I TOTALLY bawled my eyes out reading this! In fact, I cried so much, I thought I’d short circuit my laptop!

    What a beautiful post. The still missing your mom and not crying as much really struck me. I get so emotional thinking about you guys.

    My goodness! Maya *is* growing up! When I first started reading your blog, she was a “kid”! Now, she’s a young woman! How crazy is that? I guess it happens…Kids grow up. But, seriously? Do they have to grow up that fast? 🙂 XOXO

  • Wanderlust Scarlett

    April 30, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Jules,

    I am sitting here with tears running down my face. It’s wonderful how your daughter is growing up; so sweet, so precious.

    It’s so very sad that your mom is watching this all from heaven; but I have no doubt that she is.

    ~HUGE HUGS~

    Scarlett & Viaggiatore