Crisis of Faith
I know, that’s an odd title for a post written by an atheist, isn’t it? But it’s what I feel sometimes. And atheists have faith, too, as much as the next person. I don’t believe in a higher power, but I believe in the human spirit, in beauty and hope and love, in the miracle that is a baby being born, and the devastation that is a loved one lost.
Some days, however, I truly should stay the hell away from the newspaper/TV, etc., because the real world has the ability to crush me, casually, as though it doesn’t even care that I exist. The evil that men do to each other is sometimes too much, and the beauty and wonder of the world, and even the many things in my life for which I am deeply thankful, aren’t enough to strengthen me against the raw pain of the evil.
I remember, so vividly, being in High School, specifically my Senior Year, and really questioning who I was, and more importantly, who I wanted to be. I very much wanted to be the type of person who sees the best in people, and who, by doing so, helped that better side of them to come to the surface. I wanted to be open and hopeful and accepting of people, in all of their many colors and shapes and sizes and hopes and dreams and beliefs. And I thought that by wanting this to be me, I could make it so. But I’ve found myself growing more and more cynical over the years, as a defense mechanism. If I don’t have a thick skin, the news (don’t click if you don’t want to be disturbed) rubs me too raw. I get down in a funk, like I did this last Saturday about this news story, and I don’t want to talk about it. Ted and Maya wonder what’s wrong, and I don’t want to tell them, because whatever news it is this time is bothering the hell out of me, and I don’t want to bring them down as well. And I don’t want them to feel like I might think they’re callous if it doesn’t bring them down and make them feel like their skin is too thin and raw and shiny with pain. So I try to smile and not think about whatever story it is that’s bothering the hell out of me this time. And sometimes I can come out of it, with a good book or a funny movie or a nice dinner, some diversion that takes me away from the thought that there are really bad people out there in the world, and there’s nothing that I can do about it, but try to protect my heart and not let them change me from who I want to be. And yet, by their mere existence, they do change me. Because of them, who I want to be isn’t realistic. It’s not possible. A certain degree of cynicism helps me to deal with a president who lies about condoning torture, gunmen shooting up schools, and sick-fuck pedophiles.
So I was pondering these thoughts in my kitchen the other morning, pondering the pain of humanity, pondering the horrid things that happen to people, and how I just don’t understand it at all, and I don’t feel capable of understanding it. And then I said to myself, outloud, in a Gandhi type voice, “I don’t have to understand this world. I just have to live in it.”
I think that’s my new mantra.
16 Comments
ML
Good post. I feel the same way about a lot of things you mentioned. I do try to keep current on what’s going on in the world, but sometimes I take a “news dump” and just stay away from tv, newspaper, etc. for a while until I can get myself back together. There are A LOT of VERY sick people out there!
Py Korry
One thing that helps me deal with disturbing stories is that they are often committed by a minority of people. I wasn’t able to view the story you linked to because our IT director at work blocked the story from being viewed (and maybe that’s a good thing).
J
You’re right, Py, the fact that these news stories make the paper at all means that they are rare, that most people out there are at least decent. It’s the glimpses into the hell that a few people make of the lives they intersect with that gets to me. But maybe next time I come across one of these stories, I can try to remember that it’s rare, and maybe that will help. 🙂
Beenzzz
That story is VERY disturbing, and as a mother it scares me. That jerk was a sick twisted F—. Why the hell would you want to do that to a child? I would like to be the person who chops “it” off while they are awake and unanesthetized.
It’s very hard to be faced with the ills of humanity on a daily basis. We are lucky to be able to switch off the tv and walk away for a breather. Can you imagine not having that ability?
Beenzzz
Sorry, posted that comment before I was done.
I was going to finish saying that there are so many who live in the depths of inhumanity aand cannot shut their door or escape from it in any manner.
Ok, on a lighter note: The turkey lentil soup was delish. What did you do with your leftovers?
Starshine
I understand how overwhelming the news can make you feel. I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend of mine about the world-wide problem of human trafficing. It is very disconcerting to think that some people’s thrist for wealth and power is so warped that they are willing to seriously mar and scar other people’s lives to get what they want.
Still, as much as I want to believe that there are only a few bad people and that humans are basically good, it doesn’t a deep look into my own heart to see my own sin. That is why even though I have my own crises of faith, I come back to believing in a God that is good. He didn’t create the evil in the world, but He is my only salvation from it.
ann adams
I made the mistake of turning on CNN today just in time to hear about a Philadelphia 14 year old with an unbelivable arsenal. I don’t want to think about what could have happened.
On the plus side, Doris Lessing won the Nobel.
hellomelissa
it’s tempting to create a media blackout and bury our heads in the sand. but then we couldn’t try to make any changes in the world, no matter how small. a wise woman once told me that you NEVER KNOW when spending an hour reading a story to an underpriveledged kid will make such an impact that they will never turn to violence. and looking back, SHE had no idea of the positive influence she had on ME!
chin up, j. 🙂
Gina
I tend to want to do violence to pedophiles, even though I know that for a vast majority, they themselves were abused.
Sometimes I do indeed turn off the news because I just don’t want to be bombarded with how horrible things are.
I like your mantra.
dew
Do not, I repeat do not! read Barbara Gowdy’s novel, Helpless. If there’s anything more disturbing than reading news articles about pedophiles, it’s being forced to EMPATHIZE with one in a novel. So horrifying.
kookiejar
Sometimes I think it is easier to cope with the ugliness in the world if you are an atheist. If I believed there was a God (the Christian God), I would be very confused and hurt that he allows those things to happen to the people he claims to love.
Knowing that life is just random and these things just happen for no reason is somehow more comforting to me. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all, but it’s how I feel.
Py Korry
I just read the article, and I wish I had the filtering system we have at work. That was truly disturbing.
lalunas
Gee whiz that one on story that I never heard of. It was something out of a weird and ugly twilight zone. That would upset anyone.
Joan
I read these types of stories and then think of my family. I have a young daughter. I have a high schooler and think about the high school shootings. I put some blame on the media. There are a lot of really positive stories about good people not covered in the news.
Lotus
J, a very thoughtful post. I have also become quite cynical in the last few years, but I still hold on to the belief that human beings are innately good. I haven’t read the article but I tend to think that people this cruel or sick have to be mentally disturbed and need psychiatric help. Regarding the novel “Helpless”, I don’t know so much if the author wants us to empathize with the child abductor as much as she wants us to understand him. She shows us that there were things in his life, things that society did to him that contributed to the sick person he became.
Maya's Granny
Deardle Heart,I like your mantra.
I agree that it is easier to deal with these things as an atheist than it would be for me as a Christian. My comfort is a line from a character on Babylon 5, who said the world would truely be a horrible place if people did deserve the things that happen to them. If there was an omnipotent God who created pedophiles and Hitler and witch hunts, then the universe would be a horrible place. That it is neutral, and the horrors that happen are not karma is much easier to deal with.