Back to Work
Autumn’s Mom did a guest appearance over at The Mommy Diaries last week, and this morning I thought I’d see what else was going on over there. Well, another guest blogger had stopped by, DC Urban Dad, and he wrote a post about being thankful for his wonderful wife. In that post, he mentioned that his wife has been home with their baby for these last several months, but that time is coming to an end, and she’ll be back at work soon. It was a nice post, but really, what it triggered for me was memories, memories of my first day back at work after having Maya.
Maya was born in Philadelphia, where Ted was attending the University of Pennsylvania, working on his PhD, and I was working there in the Sociology Department as an assistant to the department Chair. The University policy was that while on maternity leave, they would continue to pay your benefits for you, but that if you didn’t come back to work at the end of that leave, you would owe them back pay for the amount they had paid towards your benefits. So, even though we were planning on leaving Philadelphia at the end of the summer, it was important for me to go back to work for a little while. We decided that we would wait until Maya was 4 months old, giving Ted time to finish up all of his comprehensive exams, then he would stay home with her while I went back to work for a month, and then I would quit and we would move back to California.
The amount of bonding that you do with a newborn baby is indescribable. You spend 24 hours a day with them, 7 days a week, and they are dependent upon you for every bit of their survival. Of course, you love them more than you thought you could love anyone, and your heart is completely attached to them. I don’t claim that I loved her more than Ted did, but I will say that the bond was different. Ted had to go back to work (teaching assistant at school) a few days after she was born, and he had to read 3 or 4 books a day (skimming is a talent honed in grad school) and that gave him a certain ability to separate from her. Maya was breastfed, so especially before we introduced the bottle, she was never far from my sight. We breathed the same air, inhabited the same space. At least, that’s how it felt.
So, even though Maya was staying home with Ted when I went back to work, it was unimaginably hard for me to leave her. It felt wrong. I did not WANT to go back to work, to separate, to lose that bond and connection that we had. Maya was fine. Ted was fine. I was a wreck. I crept into my office, shut the door, and cried. I cried and cried all day. My boss told me I was a good mom*, and that these feelings were natural. My supervisor told me to go home at 10:30. I said, no, if I don’t make it at least until lunch time, I’ll never come back. So I stuck it out until lunch time. And then I went home. And each day that I did this, it got incrementally easier. I never liked it. I never wanted to leave the house and leave them behind. But it did get easier. And it was only a month, followed by 5 months of unemployment, which I loved. And going back after that was difficult again, but not as hard as that first time.
I remember a year or so ago, I was at Safeway getting some groceries, and a very young baby was a few aisles over, and started crying. The woman who was checking my groceries started crying, just a bit. “I’m so sorry,” she said, “It’s my first day back at work. My baby is at home, and I’m not with her.” My heart broke for her right then, because I remembered all too well what a hard day that was, how wrong it felt, and how much I hated it.
So, to DC Urban Dad, I would advise you, have a lot of compassion for your wife when she returns to work. Pick up some extra slack those first few days, so that when she comes home, she doesn’t have to worry about meals or chores or laundry, and can hold your baby in her arms again. So she can re-connect and reassure herself that that tight bond she has been building these last few months is still there, as strong as ever.
*Just want to clarify that not all women feel this way. I have friends who couldn’t wait to get back to work, were itching for that world. And they are good moms too, and just as attached and connected as we were. There are many different ways to parent a child, and I support them all. Except the sucky ones. 😉
14 Comments
J
I love this picture of Ted and Maya. He can’t lactate, but he sure could nurse a baby, and look at all that love and eye contact going on. Awesome.
Starshine
Such a sweet picture, J. 🙂 You married well.
Oh, life can be so hard sometimes! I wish we lived in a world where everyone could stay home with their baby as long as they want to. I can’t imagine how heart-wrenching it must have been that first day back for you. I cried when my nephew Sam had to leave after bonding with him for an 8 day visit. And I’m just the auntie!
All my best to DC Urban Dad and his wife! Just like it did for you, it will work out for them, too.
Shelliza
That is such a precious picture!
I remember the day I started interviewing daycares for Connor and how heartbreaking it was. I walked out of the first one and decided that I couldn’t do it. I had to make the sacrifices that came with being a SAHM since the alternative was too heartbreaking. My health insurance situation was similar to the one you explained. The day I handed in my resignation , I had to pay $950 for my employer’s contribution in those three months.
I have never regretted my decision to stay home but would be lying if I were to say that there were days I didn’t envy my friends that were working moms. Somehow, they seemed to have a more balanced life. They were career moms during the day and soccer moms at night. They seemed to have it all and all at once while I was changing from one pair of pyjamas to another and leaking milk all day.Just when I was beginning to think that the grass was greener on the other side, a working mom pointed out that she struggled constantly with the guilt of having her children in daycare. She hated missing milestones and simply being there. I believe that it’s the moms that have the toughest time adjusting because kids do just fine, irregardless of what their moms decide.
One thing I’ve learnt is that the quantity of time we spend with our children doesn’t matter as much as the quality.
C
What a precious moment you captured on film! I love the looks on their faces! So sweet!
J, I have to second what Starshine said! You sure did marry well! I can’t wait to see how my husband connects with our little one when he or she arrives! We’re halfway through the pregnancy, but I can tell that Hubby will be a good dad already 🙂
I guess it won’t surprise you when I tell you that this post made me cry! There’s so much love in this post and in this photo! (Hold on…pregnant lady hormones coming in!) Oh, and I meant to say THANK YOU for sharing that link to Maya’s birth story! That was really special, J.
Hope you have a great day. XOXO
Ted
Seeing that photo made me cry, too –mostly because I had hair back then. 😉
Nina
Those feelings are EXACTLY why my son is almost 6 months old and I’m at home not back to work. And I have absolutely no plans on returning while I’m breastfeeding him. The anxiety I was feeling as the time for me to go back to work was approaching was undescribable. I even said that I was going back right up until it was time. I couldn’t understand why my husband kept telling people that I wasn’t going back to work. I guess he knows me better than I know myself sometimes 🙂
Jenny (your cuz)
I was one of those parents who couldn’t wait to get back to work. And I was perfectly fine all day, didnt seem to miss my kids. But when I got home and saw their cute faces I realized I really did miss them. So it was nice to come home and snuggle them and also get my adult time away.
Cherry
I love that I can look at that baby picture and totally see Maya in that cute little baby profile! I think I can tell that’s Ted too! 😉
I am lucky that I have a husband who talks a good game of wanting to be a stay at home dad, but at the same time I know he wants to grow his business. But then there is the fact that I have the health insurance and the high-tech paycheck. I guess we’ll have to see what makes sense when/if the time comes. But darn it… I’m taking 6 months off. Even if we are eating Top Romen to do it!
hellomelissa
that photo is precious beyond words.
we’ve worked from home and parented simultaneously for almost 10 years now. it’s exhausting and rewarding, and i really did look forward to school days. once the school days came, i missed the kids terribly, but was glad for the dedicated work time and a little husband time, too. 🙂
now i’m going back, with homeschooling, to the full time parent & work thing, and i have to tell you, IT’S HARD after you’ve been “away” for awhile. it’s separation anxiety in reverse, and it’s painful as well!
DC Urban Dad
Thank you for this post. It is helpful to know that we are not the only ones traveling through this crazy new world by ourselves.
My goal over the next couple of months is to make this transition as easy as possible. I already pick up and do lots of the housework (I love to clean and cook). But what to me is most important is for her to know that I have her back. That means listening (shocker) and being there to tell her she rocks. Which she does.
I am one lucky sob.
J
DC, sounds like you’re not the only one who’s lucky. Sounds like you two are lucky to have each other, and that means your little baby is pretty damn lucky, too. 😉
(un)relaxeddad
It’s a good reminder – we’re heading into that territory again in a few weeks.
Carol
For excellent strategy and advice about returning to work after time at home, see Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work by Carol Fishman Cohen and Vivian Steir Rabin, and see their website http://www.iRelaunch.com.
lalunas
It is always hard to leave your kids and head anywhere when you see those faces look at you in such a pleading way, stay with me Mama.. But one day your kids will leave and maybe the table will turn.