Discouraged
This is my beautiful boy, darling boy on our walk this morning (Friday). On Tuesday, both Maya and I separately found enlarged lymph nodes on Mulder’s neck. They have only grown since then. I fear this means that he is no longer in remission, and his lymphoma is back. Shit shit shit. We have an appointment with the vet on Monday, but I know what the answer will be.
He had 5 months of chemotherapy, and at first all was well. But as time went on, it got harder and harder for him. He had probably 3 bad days every week, where he would walk around feeling like crap, throw up, have diarrhea, all of it. It seemed worth it, if it could give us at least a few more years. But here we are, 3 months after he finished chemo, and we’re starting over again.
Our options are more chemo (varying levels, which hint at varying levels of success), or prednisone. Prednisone will not make him sick like chemo. It will (hopefully) put him back in remission, but it will likely only last for a month or two. There are stories of dogs going into remission for a year on Prednisone, and of course I want that, but there are also stories of dogs going into remission for 10 years on the treatment he had. So I am not going to get my hopes up. More common remission from Prednisone is a couple of months.
So, here we are. We are not willing to put him through more chemo, knowing how hard it was on him. Some dogs do very well on it, with little or no side effects, but we don’t want to have him go through it again. So Prednisone it will be.
Now our challenge is how to deal with our own grief. We have limited time with him, and I don’t want to waste it being miserable and sad. The time for grief is after he dies, not now. I don’t want to stress him out. So I cry in the shower, and try to keep my demeanor positive and cheerful with him. So our time will be filled with making him happy, taking him for long walks while he is up for it, perhaps going to the beach, giving him whatever treats his stomach will take, and so on.
I’m so, so very heartbroken and sad.
28 Comments
Ally Bean
I’m sorry to read this. I know you’ve tried to help Mulder and have given him to more days. Still it is depressing and would break my heart, too. Take care of yourself, cope as you can, sending good wishes your way.
J
Thanks Ally, this sucks. Sigh. I’m trying to enjoy him instead of missing him before he is even gone. It’s a perspective change, for sure.
Beckett @ Birchwood Pie
I’m so sorry. The worst thing about pets is that we live so much longer than them. The best thing is everything else about them and the joy that they bring to us. I’m sending you internet hugs (( )) and prayers for your gorgeous boy.
J
Thank you Beckett, we are trying to be strong. Today is Saturday, and we went for a nice 3 mile walk and he trotted and smiled the whole way, so he is not suffering.
Then again he threw up his dinner and his tummy is distended. Ugh.
nance
Oh, no. This is such heartbreaking news. It’s terribly unfair, and I’m so very sorry. If only Love were the cure, right?
You keep doing the Right Things, J, all along. Mulder has known nothing but love and joy with you and your family. And that will not change.
Love to you in these tough times. XO
J
Thanks Nance, we were so very happy and optimistic, he was doing so well. We celebrated his 8th birthday last week. This sucks. We are trying our best to enjoy the time we have and not make it harder for him by being sad.
Elisabeth
I’m so sorry. Mulder gives – and receives – so much love and is such a treasured part of your family. I’m sure life feels very bittersweet, enjoying his presence but grieving all he has been through and dreading the potential challenges ahead.
I hope the vet has clear suggestions and the way forward is obvious and brings renewed health for Mulder <3
J
Thank you Elisabeth…he is such a cuddle bug, so very loving and sweet. It is going to be really hard when he is gone. We are working on enjoying him for now. Not always easy to be in the moment knowing that tough times are ahead.
Nicole MacPherson
Oh, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to know what to do. Having a dog who isn’t well is such a difficult thing, I know this from experience. xo
J
Thank you Nicole, it really is hard. I wish so much that I knew the absolute best thing to do. As so many times in life, wouldn’t it be nice to really know? To have a glimpse of all possible futures, and then pick the best one? I am really wanting that right now.
Margaret
I’m so sorry. I agree that giving him the best couple months (or more) of his life is the best option. He is very loved and I hope you take some comfort that he knows that.
J
Thank you Margaret, yes, he knows he is loved. And he is so loving! We are going to have a huge Mulder sized hole in our house when he is gone.
Tobia | craftaliciousme
I am so so sorry. Hope you will find a good solution and make the best memories with what time is given.
J
Thank you Tobia! This is so hard. Sigh.
Suzanne
I’m so sorry to hear this. He is so lucky to have you to advocate for him, and to love him.
J
Thank you Suzanne. Yeah, we are so very sorry about the whole thing. Sigh.
Melissa Stebbins
I’m so sorry; that is heartbreaking. You have certainly loved him well and I hope you both have more good times together.
J
Thank you Melissa, we are hopeful that the prednisone will at least keep him feeling well for a bit longer. It is so unfair and sad. Sigh.
NGS
Oh, I’m so sorry. I was so hopeful that the treatment would give you and Mulder so much more time together. I hope it give you comfort that you have done your best and that his life is so happy and full of love.
J
Thank you NGS, we were very hopeful for at least another year or two. We are going to do our best to make sure he feels OK and has happy days.
Sarah Jedd
I am so sorry. I hope you can enjoy the heck out of him for however long you’ve got.
J
Thank you Sarah! I know you JUST went through this, and I keep thinking of how you only had 10 days to get used to the idea! I’m thankful at least that we found out last August, and have had this time to adjust our brains a bit.
Heidi
I am so sad to read this. It’s the WORST. You have and are giving him the BEST. You’re so classy and great for crying in the shower. You’re so damn brave. He is a VERY lucky dog to have landing with your fam. Sending so much love.
J
Thank you Heidi, you are right, it is the WORST.
Zazzy
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you are doing the best things you can for the beautiful Mulder. Enjoy what time you have. Heap all the love on him you can. And know you loved well.
J
Thank you Zazzy, we are doing our best. This sucks.
San
That is heartbreaking news, Julie. I am so sorry. I do hope that any further treatment will show improvement and that you have much longer with him, but I understand that your grieving process has started. Many hugs.
J
Thank you San, we are hoping for improvement. I appreciate your thoughts.