Tough Times
(I couldn’t resist this little kitten…remember those stupid posters
that said, ‘hang in there baby’. HA! Anyway, picture found here.)
My bloggy friend Michelle wrote a lovely post yesterday about things that she has learned after her husband was laid off from his job 6 weeks ago. One of the things she mentioned learning was that now she knows what to say to people when they are going through something similar. She’s always been caring and concerned, but now she really *gets* it, you know? The worries and fears and shame that so often go along with such a thing.
That struck me, because since losing my mom, I also *get* it now when someone loses someone very close to them. How the earth seems to tilt off it’s axis, and while you may look like you’re OK, like you’re cooking dinner or reading a book or watching TV, there’s that undercurrent of confusion and shock and deep down sadness. I get it.
One thing that struck me, though, was how welcome it can be to hear good news when your life is hard. Ted was laid off from his job almost 2 weeks before my mom died. To say it was a hard time around here would be an understatement. (Though I will admit freely that I felt selfishly very glad to have him here with me at such a difficult time, instead of him being at work.) We had a friend drop by one day to visit, and pay his condolences, etc. After talking about all of the stuff that was going on with us, we asked how life was going for him. He had just been recruited for a new position, which was paying him more than he had ever made before, and he was excited about the opportunity to grow with this new company. If I remember correctly, they were even going to pay for him to go back to school, something he had been wanting for awhile. He mentioned at one point that he felt guilty coming over and telling us about the good things in his life, when we were going through such a difficult period in ours. But here’s the thing. He wasn’t bragging. He wasn’t showing off. He was just giving us good news. And it felt wonderful. When you feel like the world is falling apart around you, sometimes it’s nice to learn that it’s not that way for everyone. If he had come over and said he had lost his job or his mother had cancer or something, it would have felt like ‘Crap, more of this. Will this year never end?’ And last year did feel like that for us*. So it was great to hear some good news for a change.
So that’s one more thing I learned, between my mom’s illness and death, and both of us being laid off. Don’t keep your good stuff a secret. Even if people may be a bit envious that you’re having good times, it might just be the cool rain they need to soothe them during a rough spot.
* Edited to add that I forgot to mention all of the other things that were hard on us last year. My mom was the worst for me, of course, but Ted’s aunt passed away, his brother had a biking accident and broke his collar bone, and another aunt had surgery on her heart. My uncle and aunt were both laid off from their jobs. My sister-in-law’s father had surgery for lung cancer, then suffered a series of strokes that incapacitated him, and he finally passed away in November. My brother-in-law’s father was diagnosed with cancer, which he died from this year. So for awhile there, it just didn’t feel like there was any good news anywhere. This one bit of good news that our friend brought over was indeed a relief. It was nice to not have to brace yourself for a change, you know?
14 Comments
joan
I agree. It can be healthier for those dealing with tough issues to be with others who have something positive going on. Rough times can be awkward for friends. I remember a few months ago one of my best friends started in on an argument she had with her Mom. Then she stopped and said she shouldn’t even be complaining with what I was going through. I told her I wanted to hear what she had to say.
The part about keeping a secret is an issue I had too. I think it goes back to having a coworker who told everyone who walked in the door all her problems. I hated that. I admit last year when most people I was not close to asked how I was doing, I said “fine”. I changed my tune a little after Mom died. I realized that would be weird to say I was doing fine then they find out about my loss. Therefore I did open up a little more without going into a huge amount of details.
Ted
I guess it’s a fine line between bragging about all the good thing happening and giving friends a “good news” report. Too often people feel they have to compete with what’s going on in your life. So much so, talking with them is a less a conversation and more of a competition.
Nance
What a thoughtful post. I never really considered any of these feelings before, though I have gone through all of them. I have a lot to think about now. Thank you!
Linda Atkins
Wow, never thought about it this way–thank you. I have indeed often felt bad about sharing good news with someone in a hard situation, so it’s good to read your take on it. (I agree with Ted that there is probably a fine line there somewhere.)
CG
Well said Jules.
Michelle at Scribbit
I’d never thought of that but you’re right–if it’s handled with class like your friend did, I’d much rather hear other people’s good news to cheer me up than more bad. Especially since that’s stuff I’d never be able to have any influence on most likely.
Karen MEG
Your friend shared his news in the very best way, with respect for what your family was going through. And you’re right, I’ve never thought about it this way, but it would certainly help to hear good news amongst so much bad…it does give you hope that things do change in life, and that when it seems like it’s the worst, there is light.
Jimmy
I just wanna say
“You always share the best lesson’s in life here J”…..
That’s why I keep coming back!!!!:)
J
I forgot to mention all of the other things that were hard on us last year. My mom was the worst for me, of course, but Ted’s aunt passed away, his brother had a biking accident and broke his color bone, another aunt had surgery on her heart. My sister-in-law’s father had surgery for lung cancer, then suffered a series of strokes that incapacitated him, and finally passed away in November. My brother-in-law’s father was diagnosed with cancer, which he died from this year. So for awhile there, it just didn’t feel like there was any good news anywhere.
ybonesy
A good friend of mine had a year of one tragedy after another (last year, continuing into this year) and it does become unreasonable and unbearable and anger-inducing. My mother-in-law, who has lived with an agressive cancer for six years, told the story of a fellow chemo patient whose husband died of a genetic heart problem, then who lost her two grown sons from the exact same thing, and then got cancer herself. The woman said, “And then a friend had the audacity to recite, ‘Well, God doesn’t dole out more than you can handle’.” UGH!
That was a good lesson in what not to say.
But I was also struck in your post about how we tend to worry, like your friend, about how our own good news might strike others. And how happy you were for him versus feeling envious. That says a lot about you, and about your friend.
J
ybonesy, that happens to be one of my very least favorite things that people say to somehow ‘comfort’ you. No one said it to us last year, thankfully. It makes me think two things….1., Does that mean if I were a weaker person, and able to handle less, my mother would still be alive? Because that sounds good to me. 2., Clearly this is not true. People commit suicide every day, because they cannot cope with their life and what has been ‘doled out’ to them.
Ugh indeed.
Jimmy
I was sitting here and going to add something to the comments, but my sweet darling Abigail just came in the room to be petted and she……..well she……….she pooted and I completely lost my train of thought?????..Gasp!!!!!!Oh…the funk……The good news is, be glad you’re not here!!!!!!
Aimee Greeblemonkey
Really great post.
OmbudsBen
yb & Jules, I so agree with you about the cliche “God doesn’t dole out more than you can handle.” It’s flabbergasting. Look at the people who end up in mental health facilities, disabled from traumas, and explain what they were supposed to do with what got dumped on their plates.
Sorry for the mini-rant; good post and excellent use of that once-ubiquitous old poster, J.