Mom Yoga
I have two mothers who are yoga teachers. My mother-in-law right here in town, and my step-mother in Portland. I used to joke that Maya would be confused by my mom, her only Grandma who didn’t take or teach yoga.
Since I’ve been unemployed, my mother-in-law (“Ma”) has invited me to attend her yoga classes for free (the perfect price for the unemployed…thanks, Ma!). I aim for twice a week, but of course life sometimes gets in the way.
Since losing my mom last June, yoga classes sometimes get me crying. Something about slowing down and spending time focused on my body seems to send my thoughts that way, and releases the emotions. I’m OK with it, I know it’s normal and OK, and I accept it. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but yeah, sometimes. My ex-yoga teacher used to tell me, “Don’t worry, it has to come out. Let it out.” That was helpful.
Well, a few weeks ago, one of the participants in the class said that when trying balancing postures, she is able to balance well by imagining a loved one reaching down from Heaven and holding her up. So she doesn’t have to think about losing her balance, because she’s being held, and she can focus instead on her breathing or positioning of her body, etc. I thought that might be a nice way to get my non-yoga practicing mom into yoga, and a positive way to think of her, while at this phase of grief, so many of my mom thoughts are still dwelling on those last few months, wishing I could have changed things, picturing that last visit, etc. So I tried it. The first time, of course, it got me crying. I had to go clean up my face in the bathroom. But you know what? It works. When I’m having trouble in a pose, I ask my mom for help. She can help me to balance by holding me up. Or to reach more fully into a bend by placing her hand on my back and gently pushing me forward. She encourages me and guides me in a way that she never could when she was alive. It hasn’t made me cry since that first time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it does again at some point. I’m OK with that.
Does this mean that I believe in life after death, in Heaven? That I’ve embraced religion at some level? No, not really. It just means that I’m taking comfort where I can, and allowing my mom to help me all she can. I know that’s exactly what she would want. My dad said something to me once, after my mom died, and he was telling me about how my step-mom talks to her mother a lot, even though her mother has also passed away. I said I had trouble with that, because of being an atheist, and not believing in life after death. He said, “Atheism has its uses, but don’t let it get in your way”. Thanks, Dad. That helps, too.
10 Comments
Nance
I don’t think that finding Comfort necessarily conflicts with your beliefs in anything. There’s a lot to be said for being spiritual without so much being religious. After all, how many of us do things superstitiously but really don’t necessarily believe that knocking on wood will actually “help”, or how many of us avoid walking under ladders or things like that when we can? I think your dad is right; take your Comfort wherever you can and don’t let something stand in its way.
a
Geez, what would happen if I did yoga and thought of my deceased ex? He’d probably push me over.
Better focus on my grandmother.
Autumn's Mom
I’m glad someone shared that with you, and it’s helping. That is just beautiful. You are so loved, here there and everywhere in between. xoxo
Donna
I have to say this is one of my favorite posts. You have moved along the path of recovery. It’ll be 11 years next week that my Dad passed away and I’m still on that path. I don’t think you ever reach an end, and I don’t think I’d want to – that would mean there’s nothing left to remember. I talk to my Dad all the time. It helps.
CG
That was a very good advice and it works! I love having you in my classes. Your presence means a lot to me Jules. I hope Yoga continues to help you ease the pain of losing your Mom.
Linda Atkins
This really put a smile on my face, wondering what J. would say upon the occasion of suddenly finding herself doing yoga in heaven. The image of her helping you is lovely. (I’m absolutely an atheist and I talk to my grandmother in heaven quite frequently. Your father’s advice was right on.)
Jimmy
That was great post J. I wish I was as comfortable with my inner self as you are.
V-Grrrl
I’m so glad you shared this. After a lifetime of being very involved in various churches, my spiritual path has taken to me a place where I’m not sure what I believe. It’s been more than a year since I attended church after a lifetime of going every single week. While I am OK with where I am, it does leave me unsure in many mind/heart situations. Can I still pray? Does that make sense? How do I do it now? Who do I think I’m talking to and is it OK not to know? What do I expect?
I think it would be good for me to “open up” mentally and physically and release some of the words that keep piling up because I feel I have no one I can bare my soul to.
ML
J, I’m of your belief, but I totally accept the rule of being “held up” It don’t mean you’ve accepted religion. It mean you are trying to help yourself heal. I believe in that.
Karen MEG
What an awesome post, J, I believe that it is your Mom helping you out there. This really touched me, for obvious reasons. I’m glad that you’re letting it out too :).