Sunday Sadness
My sister first shared this on Facebook in 2017, the year our father died, and has shared it every year since. He died in July, and I remember that she was stumbling through her day to day life, clinging to work, marriage, kids, and decided she needed something to look forward to. So she came home from work one day and booked a trip to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. A privilege I know, but it really helped her to have that trip with her immediate family to look forward to, and to get away from home for a bit. Coincidentally, after my mom died in 2008, we also went to Hawaii, though that was a trip that we had already planned, and it was in June. I remember floating in the warm ocean water, and the gentle tide feeling like the turning of the Earth beneath me, and it being very comforting.
I’m not suggesting that people in the midst of grief need to book a trip to Hawaii, or that it would even honestly help to get away. Nothing truly helps but time, unfortunately. But sometimes when you are in the midst of grief, the holidays, with the forced cheer and pressure to bring joy to the table, can be overwhelming, and can feel like something to endure and get through rather than enjoy. If you’re grieving right now, cut yourself a huge amount of slack and do what you need to do. Maybe that means being around people, maybe it means being alone, maybe it means honoring those you have lost in some way. Be gentle with yourself.
Speaking of grief, Ted put on an old Suzanne Vega CD yesterday, and the song Men in a War came on, a song that always makes me think of when my mom died, of how living without her was so confusing. (Link is to a post I wrote about the song at the time.)
Edited to add a link to this article that Nicole mentioned in her comment on Maya’s post today, that also addresses coping with grief during the holidays.
30 Comments
Birchie
I’m not suggesting that people book trips to Haiwaii either…unless they have the means to do it and then I think it’s a genius idea. A little self care goes a long way, especially at this time of year.
J
I guess I would add that if you do travel, understand that it’s not going to be the same trip you would have at another time. I enjoyed that trip to Hawaii, but mostly it was surreal. If people have the means, and if the idea of getting out of dodge and being somewhere new will help ease the pain a bit, I’m definitely all for it.
nance
I think these suggestions might work for anyone who is simply Sad or even in Depression.
I highly recommend getting out in Nature. And it doesn’t have to be trekking out to a forest or even a park. I think merely walking in your very own neighbourhood if you can is so helpful.
Aiming For Peace–so important. Your sister is a gem for posting this each year. Thanks for putting it here, too. You never know who it may help.
J
I think you are right Nance, just getting out for a walk in your own neighborhood can be really helpful. And not just at the holidays, of course, but all year. We need to get out of our heads a bit when things are dark.
Sarah
These are so good. For me, focusing on small joys, giving grief a place at the table, and remembering my dad with our holiday rituals are the lones that really work. But it is still hard 7 years out, especially because he had a Christmas time birthday.
J
Oh goodness, the December birthday really does make it a 1-2 punch, right? I think you have good strategies, and knowhing that it gets easier but never easy is a good thing to know.
Michelle G.
J, this is lovely and so important to share. The holidays can be really tough when important people in our lives are gone. These are all excellent ways to focus on something else without discounting one’s feelings.
J
Thank you Michelle! I think acknowledging our pain is pretty key, not dismissing it.
ernie
This is great advice. I agree with Nance – you never know who will read this. I’m fortunate this year not to be coping with grief, but I’ve been there and it is such a challenging time . . . to keep on keeping on and doing all of the things that life expects of us – especially if other people like children rely on us, then add the holidays into the mix. Wednesday will be the anniversary of when my cousin (a young mom of 3) was killed in a car acciednt at age 35 or 36? I was 8 months pregnant with Reg, so it was 20 years ago, and everything felt impossible and sad.
J
Oh how sad, Ernie, I’m sorry. It does feel impossible and sad when someone we love dies, and especially tragic when they are young and healthy and leave young children behind.
Nicole MacPherson
Thanks for sharing this, Julie. xo
J
<3
PocoBrat
Thanks for this, Lovely J. And bless your sister too for sharing. Thanksgiving and Christmas are not days I celebrated with mom usually, so there’s a tiny escape for me there.
I loved this: “the gentle tide feeling like the turning of the Earth beneath me…”
And thanks for the Suzanne Vega song, I cherish the phantom limb kinda feeling right now… Today I was thinking about my living aunt and a family story about her and planned to ask my mom for a clarification.
And in your linked post–you mentioned Ted and Maya… I’ve been thinking about that too… so I’m a bit relieved that it might be be somewhat normal and not morbid.
I can’t thank you enough for the gentleness, support, and love. XX
J
I think the lyric that got me first in that song touched on something Nance said, about someone being there, and now they’re gone.
“You know that it was
And now it is not
So you just make due with
Whatever you’ve got”
Such a gut punch every single time.
DB Stewart
Music has so many connections to grief for me too. Currently, the song “Salt, then Sour, then Sweet” soothes.
J
I haven’t heard that song yet, I will check it out.
Suzanne
This is lovely, J. Thanks so much for sharing this meme and your insights. xxoo
J
Thanks Suzanne!
Allison McCaskill
This is so helpful. I did go for a frozen walk a couple of days ago, and I felt SO much better when I got home. It’s sort of a cruel fact that the times when it’s the hardest to get yourself out in nature it’s probably the time you need it most.
J
Definitely true, but you get extra credit for going out into the bitter cold.
Lisa’s Yarns
The holidays are such a complicated time. It’s expected to be such a joyful time but that is not the case for many. My coworker who was terribly injured in the fire told a coworker she feels she can’t go home for Christmas because of challenging family dynamics. That made me so sad because she’s in such a fragile state mentally and physically. And she’s so young. 🙁
I think a trip/change of scenery is helpful so there is some separation from traditions and the way things were done before you loss your loved one!
J
I’m so sorry to hear that your coworker is struggling so much, and that family isn’t a safe place for her to go. She could really use that support right now.
Margaret
These are excellent ideas. I’ve tried to customize my holiday rituals and stick to activities and events that mean something to me, not ones that I feel I “should” do. However, with the grandsons, I’m doing a bit more decorating than I would normally–with them in mind. That part makes me happy!
J
I feel like your grandsons are a great balm and make your losses easier to bear, and I’m so glad for it!
San
I would totally suggest people take a trip to Hawaii if at all possible – grieving or not, it cannot be bad for anyone!
Grief is weird. I know what you mean when you say that things felt so confusing when your mom died. I definitely had some of those feelings this summer after my mother-in-law and my friend passed – like, there was a shift and the world was different. I am even more terrified of the day when I have to say goodbye to my parents now.
J
It’s like you’re in a suddenly different reality. Twilight zone. My life is like this, and now…not. That’s how it feels to lose a parent. And a friend. Sigh. The biggest losses in my younger life were my childhod dog/best friend, Samantha, and my grandfather. Both were hard, but Samantha was harder. My mom, my dad, UGH, so, so hard. Geneveive and Mulder. UGH. All I can say is that it all feels like the world shifts on it axes a bit.
AC
Sometimes, we just need to do something a different to get ourselves out of a funk, and I think a trip to Hawaii would proabbly do the trick. ? But drive in the country or a coffee out could work too.
J
Different levels, right? A trip to Hawaii once in a great while, a drive in the country more often.
Melissa
This is lovely, thanks Julie.
J
Thanks Melissa.