Feminine Mistake?
Guess who has Jury Duty? That’s right, I’m juror #2 today, on what is supposed to be a very quick trial, so hopefully I’ll be back to “real life” tomorrow.
Yesterday morning was spent in the “Jury Room”, where you go to sign in and wait to see if you’ll be called to meet with the judge and lawyers. (I’ve never gotten farther than this room before, so I’m kind of excited to be on an actual jury today!). The Jury Room is a good place to catch up on your newspaper reading, try to think of interesting ‘interview questions’ for fellow bloggers (I’m working on it…), and catch up with Madame Bovary. So there I was, hanging with Emma, and I overheard a conversation between two women. Two middle class, stay at home moms, talking home improvements and real estate. From the difference between the price of 53 acres in upstate New York and here, the conversation drifted to stay-at-home-mommying. One of the women talked about how she always intended to go back to work when her kids got to a certain age, about how she loved her job, but the realities of having children made it impossible. “Homework, getting dinner on the table, after school activities” – she couldn’t see doing all of this while having a job that took her away from the home.
This reminded me of an article in The New Yorker, The Wives of Others, which is a book review of The Feminine Mistake, by Leslie Bennetts. Do you remember the New York Times article in the autumn of 2005, where the Ivy League women claimed that they didn’t want to try to ‘have it all’ like their boomer mothers had, and were looking for husbands to support them? Well, Ms. Bennetts is horrified, though not for the same reason that Betty Friedan wrote about in The Feminine Mystique. Friedan wrote that “If women do not put forth, finally, that effort to become all that they have it in them to become, they will forfeit their own humanity.” Ms. Bennetts isn’t so much worried about the humanity of women as the financial well being of women. Where will women be, she argues, should they remove themselves from the workforce for 5, 10, 15 years to raise children, and then suffer from a divorce or the death of their spouse. She argues (according to the New Yorker article, I haven’t read the book) that women need to be able to support themselves, should their support system fail.
This hit home to me, because when my Grandfather died, my then 27-year old Grandmother was left with two young children to support, and only a High School education and a glass ceiling so low you had to crawl on hands and knees. She had to put my mother in a convent, and my uncle in foster care, so that she could work (child care clearly wasn’t what it is today). She only got her children back when she remarried, and again had a man to support the family.
From this, you might assume that I agree with Ms. Bennetts that to remove one’s self from the work force is placing one’s family at risk. And truth be told, it is. And yet…and yet, as the New Yorker article stresses, these moms that Bennetts interviewed are not unhappy, depressed women who are being stifled and forced to stay home because of their gender. These are women who are choosing to stay home, in greater and greater numbers, because they find it more fulfilling than the jobs they held, and because they prefer to stay home with their children rather than to pay someone else to do it. And they are generally educated women, who have a much better chance of getting a decent job than my grandmother did in the late 40s. Perhaps not as good of a job as they would have had if they stayed in the workplace, but still, decent enough to pay the bills.
Which brings my wandering mind to another issue…the issue of money. If it’s stifling and unfulfilling to be at home with your child, and you will perhaps lose your humanity by doing so, why is it more fulfilling for your nanny? Or do we not care about her humanity? And also, what of the families who cannot afford to live off of one income? These articles talk as though feminism is carried on the backs of these women with a choice, when actually, it is a burden and a glory carried equally by us all. By the female CEOs, the lawyers and doctors, the computer techs and grocery clerks, the teachers and nannys, the stay at home moms…hell, even the rarest of all, the stay at home wife, who has no children at all. We are all the face of feminism, we are all of us women. We should all be in this together.
And yet, when I overheard those two women say that they had intended to go back to work, but it was impossible for them, I’ll admit, I bristled. Because it’s not impossible. It’s a choice. I do it. Women do it every day. Some because they love their jobs and would not feel fulfilled at home. Some because they need the money. Some for a combination of reasons. These women have chosen to help the kids with the homework, drive them to sports practice and club meetings, cook all of the meals, and clean the house. I do not mean to discount that choice, because it is a valuable one. But it’s not impossible. People do it every day, and it doesn’t have to even be hard. The rest of the family has to chip in more, the kids might not have to do as many activities, might have to take on a share of the housework, as would the husband, but honestly, I suspect that a household where everyone contributes is a happier one anyway. It’s possible.
OK, enough rambling. Time to get ready for jury duty…
11 Comments
Ml
I agree, it’s not impossible, it’s a choice that was made…it’s all about choices.
Interesting post, J. Have a good day at jury duty.
wordgirl
The three days I spent on jury duty last December were very interesting and quite educational. I was riveted. Mainly because I was learning new things about the law all the time. I was using my brain and I loved it.
Autumn's Mom
I agree with ML, it’s about choice. I work full time, get dinner on the table and support after school activies. To make it possible, I live where I work. But that’s my choice and I love it.
Sorry about jury duty. It’s going around man. I keep waiting for MINE! I’ve got a co-worker out today with the possibility of being on a trial for 3 to 5 weeks. Hope yours moves swiftly.
Gina
I have always thought that a woman should be able to choose what she wanted to do without another one sitting there and judging her. I think people know what is best for their families and themselves. Or at least, I hope so.
V-Grrrl
When women discuss their choices, I always think of men, who have so many fewer socially acceptable choices. I think they face a lot more pressure. Technically they have choices but do are they really supported in their rights to choose? A man that decides to change careers, work part time, and/or spend more time with his family at the expense of his income is generally considered to be in “crisis” and somehow “unstable.” A woman who does the same thing is seen as “coming around” and “putting family first.”
ally bean
If a woman (or a man) chooses to stay at home for whatever reason, and if they aren’t a burden on others or to society at large, what possible difference does it make if they do so? People are useful and fulfilled at home. People are useful and fulfilled at work. Isn’t the point of life to be useful and fulfilled somewhere?
Maya's Granny
I’ve read about that study, and what was brought out in the article I read was that the women who were making the choice were women, as you’ve noticed, with a good education and a husband who made plenty of money. They didn’t need to work to feed the kids. And, many of them found that when they returned to work, although they had to take a pay cut, they were still earning more than women without their advantages. And, there aren’t nearly as many of them as the press coverage of the study would indicate.
I hope jury duty goes well.
Author Mom DogNut
There are no guarantees no matter which road we decide to go down in life. Husbands may die. Companies can fold. Jobs may be outsourced. To base decisions about working or being home with children on the fear of the “what ifs” is a bad idea.
lalunas
I know the first thing I am asked by stranger is where do you work? I remember earlier in my life when I was pregnant with Big Sis I could not get a job. No one would hire a pregnant lady. I felt useless, because people would ask me where I work and when I said I didn’t I felt like I was being judged. I was so unhappy because I felt that I was useless in society’s eye. Truth of the matter all these years in the work force, I have never really been happy either, but at least I am not being judged so harshly by other women. I am gald more women are making choices about staying home. More power to them.
Ginger
Well, I work for a variety of reasons like you said. Could we change our lifestyle and live on one income? Probably, but then I enjoy my job more than hubby so why wouldn’t he choose to stay home. Since I work a different schedule than M-F I still have lots of time to spend with my kids. Also, when both partners work, the household chores (getting supper on the table, homework, etc) are shared.
Annie
I just came across your blog today, and will explore more later. Just had to comment on this one post.
You say you ‘bristled’ when these women said it was impossible to go back to work, and it struck me that that is the same feeling I get when working moms tell me that it is ‘impossible’ for them to stay at home, even if that’s what they say they’d prefer to do. It is, as you say, all about choice.
As for Leslie Bennets? Where in Bennets’ book is the advice for women to protect themselves financially? Where is her acknowledgment that some of these women might actually be smart enough to have planned to stay at home, and have taken the necessary financial precautions?
I suspect she is jumping on the Linda Hirschman bandwagon, penning a controversial book, generating lots of publicity and making lots of money from it.